does this tell anyone about me? essay

[bond35]

<p>Am I really telling the colleges anything if I am comparing myself when i was 11 yrs. old to a now 17 yr. old?</p>

<p>I went to visit vietnam once when i was 11 and another time when i was 17. I want to say that I have learned to appreciate and explore other things around me, and in a sense I became for independent. </p>

<p>But does this really tell the admissions anything about me, i mean people will obviously change within a 6 yr difference...right?</p>

<p>this is what i have so far...</p>

<pre><code> The moment I stepped off the airplane, I felt the fervor of the Vietnamese air. And I would soon learn that the use of air conditions was rarely used here. I mean it wouldn’t have made any sense; the windows in Vietnam were to the best extent windows without screens, the air would have easily escaped. Instead they used fans to circulate the air. But that wasn’t what I was thinking the last time I came to Vietnam 6 years ago, as an 11 year old.

As an 11 year old, I remember getting up early in the morning and quickly running over my neighbor’s house to play with her dogs. The thought of looking around, exploring and appreciating the culture surrounding me never occurred to me.

</code></pre>

<p>....
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I'm am so stuck. HELP!!!</p>

[huashi8846]

<p>nice beginning</p>

<p>u choose a good topic to focus on
keep on</p>

[JIMMY_KILLARNEY]

<p>try to have a focus. You are talking about 4 things all at the same time in the first paragraph.</p>

[idamayer]

<p>"The thought of looking around, exploring and appreciating the culture surrounding me never occurred to me."</p>

<p>It never occured to me to explore and appreciate my cultural surroundings.</p>

<p>delete the extra "me"</p>

[bond35]

<p>I wasn't sure if i like that first paragraph. I don't think that it supported my overall point of my essay so I made a new one (this is my first paragraph and some of my second paragraph, i'm having some trouble with my 2nd paragraph):Which one is better?</p>

<p>The humid, fervent air was unbearable, even during the nighttime but I left the airport in Ho Chi Minh City, intrigued in what I saw next. Although the streets had two lanes, people did not keep in an orderly fashion. Two lanes soon became 3 and 4; to avoid an accident the taxi driver drove in constant honking. My family and I passed by countless houses on the way to my grandparents. I found it interesting how most of the houses were a two-in-one—a house and a store. But that wasn’t what I was thinking the last time I came to Vietnam 6 years ago, as an 11 year old.</p>

<p>As an 11 year old, I remember getting up early in the morning and quickly running over my neighbor’s house to play with her dogs. It never occurred to me to explore and appreciate my cultural surroundings. I left my neighbor’s house only to go where my parents went.</p>

[celestial605]

<p>To be blunt, I have not gained any insight into your character from what you posted above. Why don't you first post exactly what you aim to convey?</p>

<p>"I thought about things differently when I was 11 versus now, when I am 17." This is not a specific enough topic. Everyone thought differently when they were 6 years younger.</p>

<p>"I am more observant now than I was 6 years ago, and I have noticed that I pay special attention to the architecture around me and how things are built. I find the variations in structures fascinating." That tells something about you ; it would say that you are interested in the art of structural engineering.</p>

<p>Please think about exactly what you want to say!</p>

<p>P.S. Just to clarify, those sentences I posted in quotes aren't meant to be part of your essay. I was giving examples of main ideas.</p>

[coopertemplegrl]

<p>the grammar is atrocious. it takes away from the essay.</p>