Don’t like one of son’s friends...what would you do?

Parent Cafe
1

We have a small summer weekend place. My son is out on his own working now, as are all of his friends. 3 years ago, while they were still in college, we had 3 couples at our place. DH and I spent all weekend entertaining them, taking them out to dinner, etc. We don’t mind as we love it when the kids want to bring their friends and we enjoy seeing everyone have fun.

He brought this one friend we had just met and it started off ok, but he seemed to get just a little too comfortable and we didn’t like him that much as a guest, at the end. We think we are gracious hosts and would never have let him know our feelings. Then, we saw him that fall at a restaurant while sitting with DS and his GF. This guy leaves the restaurant and waves over to DS, but did not come up to say hello to us. GF said how incredibly rude that was and apologized for him.

We just don’t want him back.

But my son is like a pitbull when we wants something and won’t let go. He acts like we never told him that we didn’t appreciate how he behaves, couldn’t even come over and greet us nd he’s not welcome. Pretends like we never said it. So now, he wants to invite 3 guys up in a few weeks, which includes this one.

He mentioned we didn’t care for another of of his friends, but we gave him a second chance when his was older. (This is true, but that boy was 16, then 21 when we had him again)…lots of maturity. He said this guy was 19 and now 25 and married ( untrue, he was 21 the first time). He thinks we should give him another chance. We don’t want to, but I wonder if we are just making too big a stink.

DH says he needs to think about it. This time around we are not paying for their dinners, and they can bring their own alcohol. But, in doing so, then they feel free to imbibe what they want.

Part of me is just mad that DS doesn’t come to us to ask , but tells us as if we will just forget about it. I think I need to tell him that. So, what would you do? It just irritates me to have him there again, but I don’t want to alienate DS.

2

Your house. Your rules. If you aren’t comfortable with this person, that should be the end of the discussion.

3

What exactly did this boy do in the course of one weekend to annoy you so much? I think 21 is still relatively young. If he wasn’t purposely destructive or openly rude to others, I wouldn’t hold his behavior against him.

Is your son’s girlfriend related to his friend? My mother would have considered it incredibly rude of her to apologize for someone else. She may have cut her some slack if she was related to him, but not much. She also wouldn’t have thought highly of discussing someone else’s behavior in a public place, especially with people who aren’t family. But customs differ. Maybe your son’s girlfriend was raised to think that was okay and his friend was brought up not to intrude on other people’s meals. I don’t like being disturbed when I’m trying to spend private time with my family, but I don’t hold it against people who stop by to chat and I wouldn’t use it as a reason to ban them from my house.

Ultimately, I think this is your son’s guest. If he isn’t destructive or a danger to himself or others, I’d stay out of it.

4

Honestly, it would never occur to me that I would have a say in the friendships of my 20 something year old child unless the friend was a danger to my child in some way.

I don’t know what I’m missing but it sounds like you don’t like the kid for 2 reasons: one time for being too friendly and the other time for not being friendly enough?

Maybe he was nervous and really wanted you to like him the first time. Maybe there was something going on in his life that had absolutely nothing to do with you the second time and he wasnt able to socialize so thought a casual wave of acknowledgment was enough.

5

If it was me, I would let it go. I’m not sure I would think it a snub for the friend not to come over. Often, if I see people I know eating together I don’t go over and I just wave. But that’s me. After all it’s just a weekend. If you see your son a fair amount anyway, why not just allow your son and his friends have the place for the weekend?

6

This is an awkward situation, because on the one hand, you really don’t have a say in your son’s friendship, but on the other, you do get to decide whom to invite to your own house. It’s not clear from your post exactly why this guy annoys you so much, but I know these things are difficult to explain. Sometimes it’s just a feeling and none of us is really qualified to make a judgment here. If he annoys you, he annoys you, and that is that.

My daughter has one friend who is extremely socially awkward, clingy, and unable to socialize with others in the presence of my daughter. She focuses on her to the exclusion of everyone else and it’s very strange, especially in a 23 year old, who should know how to include others in a conversation. I don’t like having her here especially when there are other guests because she is so high maintenance. But to someone reading this, it may seem unclear why this young woman annoys me so much and you may think that my daughter’s friendship with her is none of my business.

But when it comes to having guests in my home I get to decide, and I choose to invite people who are comfortable to have here most of the time.

7

Let the guys have the place for the weekend - you and your H stay home.

8

The restaurant incident doesn’t seem like a problem to me - a friendly wave seems appropriate. I would stay out of this relationship unless you believe this guy to be engaged in illegal activity, or is racist/sexist/etc.

9

Like others I don’t see what was rude in a wave to you or why it bothers you so much. Think you’re reading way too much into it. And yes there is a big difference between 21 and 25.

Let it go.

10

Thanks all. I’m not trying to pick his friends. I don’t want to get into why he annoys us because I don’t want to hear others opinions of my feelings. So…,it’s better to just say he annoys us, leave it at that and try to put yourself in my shoes (using your own annoyance level) in my situation.

I suppose it never hurts to give it one more chance. But I’m having a strong discussion with DS.

As far as the GF, she’s not the GF any longer. But the young mans GF and she are best friends and they hung around together as a group constantly. She’s also very opinionated and has not trouble speaking up. Rude, herself? Maybe that was…but it validated our feelings of him not coming over, if a 20 year old thought that was rude, too.

11

Is anyone else surprised that it’s considered rude to just wave at someone you know? ETA - glad to see I’m not alone in this. Others posted while I was typing…

It’s super common here (that or nodding) - esp if one is in a hurry for whatever reason - or doesn’t feel like disrupting something. We’d probably have no friends at all if we chose them based upon that.

For in the house and just a weekend I’d have no problems with any friend invited as long as they weren’t cruel to our animals, destroying our property, or into doing drugs or racist jokes or various forms of harassment, etc. We have lines, but I suppose they’re not to hard for most to stay within. Sometimes we need to teach the friends to clean up after themselves or other similar “not so common” manners, but we let our lads do that if possible as it’s easier for peers to teach peers. It is annoying when it happens as I definitely expect manners to be common, but we chalk it up to gaps in learning and doing our best to help fill those gaps. Just waving vs coming over at a restaurant certainly isn’t a gap. I suspect that must be a culture thing. I see nothing wrong with what the lad did. I’d be more critical of your response expecting it TBH.

12

Here’s the thing. For 3 full days, I cooked and served this group. We took them out for dinner both nights, paid for food and alcohol. Half the time we pulled them around on the boats. It was a hotel and we did a lot of work making it fun.

If you hosted someone for an entire weekend and paid their way, wouldn’t you consider it a little rude to just be waved at in a college restaurant and bar on their way out? It’s not like we were with a bunch of other adults. He drank our booze, ate our food, drove our water raft, etc.

We were sitting there with DS and his GF only. It was rude not to come up and say hi. Period. And I don’t need your insults.

13

I really would not put so much weight in this wave being a diss. My opinion. How do you know the wave was only intended for your son? Maybe it was a wave to the table. Maybe he REALLY needed to be on his way. I don’t do a nice gesture (the entertaining) really expecting a pay back - while the entertaining was probably appreciated maybe it was expected.

If that’s your expectation (that he is was rude), we can’t change your mind. Different expectations or values I guess.

Unless there is something really outstanding (like he’s destructive or a danger to someone or something) I don’t know how at age 25 you tell your son he can’t have him along with his other friends just because the guy irks you.

Let son be responsible for the cottage and the weekend - and stay home and do something enjoyable you and you H!

14

Also think you should let it go. These are adults in their mid 20’s and I would view it as my son hosting them not me. I would either let them have the house for the weekend or make myself scarce so they can fully relax and not worry about the formalities of interacting with parents.

I also have favorites when it comes to the friends of my children. But absent illicit activity it would never occur to me to take anyone off an invitation list because of my own feelings. If my child counts them as a friend that is good enough for me.

15

I think this supports the point that some are making, where the OP is seeing insults that are not there. 21 year olds don’t necessarily have a good sense of money and the young man doesn’t realize that there is a specific response expected that is based on how much money was spent on him.

16

I think it has more to do with his upbringing than his disrespect for you. Some of my kids’ friends would always come over to greet and some were were awkward. My kids have had friends stay over at my place, some would bring a small gift and write a thank-you note, but others wouldn’t even say hello on their way in. I just figured if my kid was fine with it then I was good. At the same time, I no longer entertain my kids’ friends. I let them stay over and that’s it.

17

“I’d be more critical of your response”.

So, that wouldn’t put someone on the defensive? Well, it does me.

I don’t think the young man was intentionally trying to Insult us, and that moment was just the icing on the cake.

After reading several of your responses, I will let him come back up, letting DS know he has to speak to him about any behavior we deem inappropriate. There is no way DH would let DS have the run of the place, yet. Hopefully in a few years, but not now.

18

@conmama I don’t think any of the posts have been insulting to you. You did ask for opinions and people are sharing them.

In my opinion, I don’t think it was that bad of a faux pas that this young man only waved to you in the restaurant and didn’t come over to say hello. Likely the social mores of a young guy his age aren’t the same as someone our age. Even so, I recognize he irks you for various reasons, and you are entitled to not like the young man.

In my view, the reason to have him as a guest with your son at your place is to do it for your son, not for this guy. He’s your son’s friend and you are trying to be nice to your son. Unless this boy does really destructive type behaviors at your place, the issue is you don’t care for him mostly. And as others suggested, you could offer your son a chance to use your place with his friends when you are not there, so you don’t have to mix with the ones you don’t enjoy.

The bottom line to me is you don’t have to like your son’s friends, and you are doing the invite thing to please your son, not his friends.

19

OP - I haven’t read any insults only differing opinions. YMMV

It sounds like you feel your generous gestures were not appreciated the first go around. I get that. I like to host my kids friends because I like to make my kids happy. They see how their friends behave and respond accordingly.

20

“Likely the social mores of a young guy his age aren’t the same as someone our age.”

Or even people the same age but from different regions, countries or cultures. We live in Florida. Since Florida is a popular retirement destination, people who live here come from very different backgrounds. An easy example is the difference in how people say hello. Some people greet others with a kiss, some greet others with multiple kisses, some shake hands and a few find any physical touch inappropriate. All are acting within their concept of proper behavior and doing the perfectly polite thing according to their beliefs, yet still recipients get offended because the recipients have entirely different concepts of a proper greeting.

There are very few behaviors that are universally rude. It seems harsh and uncharitable to assume someone is being rude based on a behavior that might be considered polite to others. Assume good intent.