Don't do it

Applying to College
1

This is going to be a fairly long post, so bear with me. Here, I will explain my guilt as a warning to any student who is thinking of doing the same thing I have done.

I attended a prestigious high school. I graduated with a fairly high GPA and a decent ACT score, that I don’t recall at this time, but it was competitive.

I have a mental illness that causes me to experience psychotic episodes. This deeply affected my self-esteem and self-worth.

My school, despite its amazing teachers and rigorous programs, had a very toxic culture. The students had a gang mentality where they opted to bully anyone who didn’t fit their mold. Well, you can guess where I fit in. After classes ended, I would run to the train to get home.

I was barely active in extracurriculars besides two internships and a leadership position. I participated in one thing my freshman year of high school. But besides those few things, I was invisible. I was the definition of a “nobody.”

When college applications came around, I didn’t have high hopes to attend any top tier school. I actually didn’t mind attending my state school because it was cheap. I wrote my essays, had recommendations from teachers who loved me, which I am still confused by, and I turned in my transcript. I thought that would be enough. But one day, my counselor explained how we needed to beef up our resumes. I completely mistook that as exaggerating small details.

I was interested in learning about certain topics. Because of my social life at school, I spent a lot of my time engaging in online communities with shared interests. But on my application, I said that I was an active general member in clubs that focused on these topics, when in reality, I probably attended 1-2 meetings every year.

At the time, I didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. I honestly believed that what I was saying was true, and that I was accurately representing my interests. I knew the topics so well, that when asked about them in interviews, I was able to explain every specific detail of these topics including why I loved them. I tuned out my conscience and heard the voice in my head that justified every decision I made. I think I snapped out of this trance when I read an article about how my acceptance can be rescinded. I immediately thought, “What have I done?” Now, I realized I could have gone about describing my interests in a more honest way. It is so strange that I was very accurate and specific about a few ECs but still exaggerated my time commitments on a couple of others. I was even honest about a disciplinary infraction.

Fast-forward to a few years, and I am entering my senior year in a very prestigious university. My GPA is currently above a 3.6, and I am actually involved in real ECs. I made the straight A list a few semesters. I haven’t fabricated anything since, and I constantly worry about whether or not I am being accurate in my descriptions. I haven’t lied or cheated my way through college because academics was never a problem for me. The social elements are what held me back.

The problem is the immense guilt that I have. It usually manifests when I am already experiencing a depressive episode. My negative thoughts and feelings fall in love with each other and make babies named “self-loathing” and “misery.” The guilt is so bad that I sometimes contemplate suicide because of the anxiety. I truly believe that I don’t deserve to live for what I have done. I sometimes worry that all of the honest work I have done will be taken away from me with no questions asked.

I have actually sent an anonymous email to admissions displaying my guilt, and I never got a response. Probably because it was anonymous.

If anyone is thinking of telling white lies for whatever reason, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. If you have even a shred of morality, this will haunt you. Maybe it won’t. It is very possible that my mental illness exasperates my guilt. But sometimes, i don’t know if it is worth living when I feel like a fraud. I don’t know if I could handle the consequences should anything happen, which I hope doesn’t. Will a faithful path make up for this one sin I committed? I don’t know.

I hope this gives any student who has done similar things some peace of mind that they are not alone in their guilt. And I also hope that this steers students away from committing this act.

2

@dpeytonlive First offf, please give yourself a hug. You are being extremely hard on yourself. If you are having suicidal thoughts you need to immediately seek some professional help to deal with these feelings and emotions. Nothing is ever worth even considering this as an option. You have obviously worked very hard in HS and have dealt with a not so great experience socially and managed to pull through and attend a prestigious university. This alone shows your strength of character and you should be commended. You realize what you did on your college app was not correct and feel badly about it but you have to stop guilting yourself and move on. From what you have written you know now you should not have done it and won’t ever do it again. As young adults we all have made mistakes of some sort and look back and say “what was I thinking?” Nobody is perfect! You are not alone and please don’t ever feel that way. Part of growing up is making mistakes and lessons we take away from these mistakes improve who we are. Grow from your experience and learn to forgive yourself. Be well and take care of yourself. Seek counseling to help you deal with your feelings.

3

Please seek help. Having suicidal thoughts is very serious. Please seek help. Your mistake is small. It was a mistake but it is not one worth ending you life over a small mistake.

4

You are falsely amplifying a very minor past experience to find a reason to beat yourself up. Please stop whatever you are doing and seek help immediately. Your college has counselors who are trained to talk about this, or you can set up a meeting with a therapist in your hometown as soon as you arrive home. You should also discuss this with your parents who love and care about you. Meanwhile, try to see reason. Your college has no cause to check on the things you listed on your application. You are a senior in college now, and NO ONE is thinking about what you did in high school, except you. You will feel much better by the mere act of making an appointment, so do that before doing anything else.

5

Thank you for your comments everyone. You all are very kind. I do need help, and I am currently looking for therapy programs this summer. I still struggle with my mental health, and school is one of the few things that has kept me going. I see how desperate students are nowadays, and there are many, like me, who are very hard on themselves. They have made mistakes and may think about them everyday. I hope this board isn’t deleted because of my mentioning of suicide, but I will reiterate that I have a lot of support from family and friends. Writing this post was therapeutic for me, and it gave me an outlet where I can share my feelings. But thank you so much to everyone who has posted. I appreciate your words, and they have given me some peace. I feel that I still have some atoning to do, which is why I am considering coming clean to the school. What do you all think about that?

6

@dpeytonlive Your wanting to come clean to your university is admirable but please let it go. As @Lindagaf said above you are magnifying your error and making more of it than it is. And… you are a senior and the college isn’t going to care about something on your app from 4 years ago. You have punished yourself way more than you should have for this minor infraction. I’m glad to hear that you have such a great support system and are seeking help. Focus your energies on getting help and continuing your great work at college. Be proud, you deserve to be.Take a deep breath and forgive yourself.

7

And what will that achieve except possibly destroying everything you have worked so hard for? Was your crime that bad? Do you truly deserve to have four years of work stripped from you? Come on, what you did is very common and did NOT hurt anyone else. You have punished yourself enough and it’s time to move on. You deserve all you have achieved. Any college would wonder why in earth you are bothering to tell them about something so minor and you really run the risk of endangering your achievements. Enough is enough.

Think of the expression “let sleeping dogs lie.” It’s applicable in this situation. You have to stop punishing yourself for things that are not hurting anyone else.

8

Do not “come clean” to the school. There is no utility in taking this step, and truly, your infraction was so minor it is simply not worth dwelling on. You have nothing to atone for. Please work on forgiving yourself and enjoying your senior year. You will soon be a graduate and have worked hard for - and DESERVE - all of the benefits that come from that!

I would also like to reiterate what everyone else has said. You are being too hard on yourself, and I encourage you to meet with a counselor at your college this week. Typically a few sessions are included in the cost of tuition, or at a seriously discounted cost, so you should absolutely take advantage of that. That doesn’t prevent you from simultaneously looking for a therapy program this summer, which is also a great idea. Please, please, please take care of yourself.

9

Based on the information are you sure you didn’t have a psychotic break when you applied for colleges? You said you really believed you were active in those things so i don’t think it was done to be malicious or slick if you truly believed them at the time. Even if you were you seem like an insightful individual with a lot of potential to do well in the world. Not many people feel remorse for doing similar things so kudos to you. You obviously deserve to be at your school considering your grades alone and I don’t think they chose you because of exaggerated ECs if anything that was probably 5% why. Don’t beat yourself up anymore I agree with everyone else here that you have put in a lot of effort and that is commendable

10

You would be hard-pressed to find anyone (with a conscience) on this earth who does not regret certain youthful choices. It is great that you have learned from your mistakes! It’s the people who have no regrets that we worry about, either because they don’t have a moral compass or because they have never felt free enough to experiment and make mistakes. It is long past time to forgive yourself and to revel in your hard-won ethical perspective. There is no virtue in being merciless with yourself, any more than there would be in being merciless and perfectionistic toward others.

11

I agree with @MatzoBall.

I have heard it said that there are only two types of adults on earth: Those who regret something that they did or didn’t do in the past, and those with bad memories. That is why the “forgiveness” part of Christianity is so important. Those who don’t forgive are doomed to be unhappy forever.

“It is long past time to forgive yourself”

Absolutely true. You are doing great, and you deserve to be where you are. Your academic performance proves this. Keep up the good work and look forward, not to the past.

12

Hello. Your responses are very comforting. I agree that I should not beat myself up, even though it is easier said than done. I just know that I will never do something like this again, or anything worse, because I would have a difficult time coping with the guilt. This experience has made me more empathetic towards other people who have made mistakes or will, especially when it comes to the college process. I believe that the competitive environment of getting into college can drive even the kindest and good-hearted students to do things they otherwise would have never done. This can be said for the real world as well. I regret my childish decision(s), but I don’t regret how those decisions impacted my growth as a student and human. I was surprised by the encouraging remarks because I know a lot of people are hard on dishonest here, but I want you all to know that your compassionate responses have saved me from further self-destruction. I plan to read these comments whenever I feel myself heading down that path again. Really, thank you so much.

13

You are very welcome! What a beautiful response.

14

@dpeytonlive: Life is hard enough without beating yourself up. Trust me, I’ve done it. Everyone makes mistakes, especially youthful ones, and yours were relatively minor and not intentional. It’s great to learn from past mistakes, but not so great to torture yourself over them. Recognize that beating yourself up is part of your psychic makeup, and try to cut yourself a little slack. You are to be applauded for your integrity, and for having clearly achieved a lot while struggling with personal issues. Learn from your mistakes, but look forward, as @DadTwoGirls suggests, and God bless.

15

" I just know that I will never do something like this again, or anything worse, because I would have a difficult time coping with the guilt."
Then you have learned a VERY important lesson AND have become much wiser in the process.
you are off the hook . dont dwell on this one, small mistake any longer. Look forward , not back.

16

@dpeytonlive Your heartfelt sincerity comes through amazingly in your writing. You ability to convey your feelings and thoughts is wonderful. You have worked hard and should continue to be proud of your efforts. I’m glad that you have found some comfort in the support here on CC. I wish only the best for you! Don’t lose sight of your goals.

17

How are you?