If there is no way you can win with her, then don’t even worry about it. At this point In your life and marriage, just focus on keeping your husband happy, within reason (I.e., don’t stay there, you have that right). What I mean is be respectful of everyone, don’t badmouth them to him, don’t get him worked up and upset even more than he is about being #2 . Be calm, and just get through it and don’t argue with him about her, or the siblings…that just gives her power over your marriage. Bite your tongue. If he needs to vent listen.
Is DH insistent you stay a week? That seems like a long time to me.
@happy1 Dinner with them ? (hahahahahhaha!!!) If we were to go to dinner with them, my DH is expected to pick up the tab. Call me selfish, but I am not going to pay for my BiL, his wife and kids.
Your MIL is going to be disappointed in you no matter what, so do what you want to do. At least in a hotel you and husband are comfy.
Stay at the hotel, plan a dinner at MIL’s house (is there something you can bring in like pizza or spaghetti, since you will have to pay for it anyway), you do it all (cook, clean) and then back to hotel.
DH wants to stay a week there. We haven’t visited my PiL at their place in many years (which my MIL has griped about on numerous occasions) , so he thought it was the perfect opportunity to do it.
I like my parents (or just my mom now) and even like my siblings and their SOs, but we stay at a hotel when we get together for holidays.
Why should you pick up the bill. When it comes split it with your BIL. A simple, “Should we split it?” should take care of it.
Here is my opinion. This is a funeral time…not a “gee it would be fun to visit time”.
Go for the funeral. Then go home.
Then go back in a month or so and visit just MIL on your own time when there is no funeral involved. She will appreciate (maybe) a visit dedicated just to her…not a piggyback to a funeral.
Re: meals. Do you plan to spend a week there eating out someplace without any other family members? That seems silly too.
@oldfort Well I think it is just better not to go to dinner with them. I don’t want to hear my mom saying bad things about my DH for not being generous. My BiL has a daughter from his first marriage, so my DH brought her birthday and Christmas gifts every year until we have our first kid. When our first child was born, his brother didn’t give us any gifts, none for baby shower (they didn’t show up), Christmas, nor first birthday. So we decided not to give his niece a gift, they told my MIL, and she got mad at us. My DH called to talk to her and she hung up on him after she told him that he didn’t love his brother, that he isn’t her son etc. After several months, when she finally decided to talk to us, we told her that they didn’t get any gifts for our child, and she said they don’t have money to buy gifts and that we have money, we should be spending the money on his brother and SIL…
@momofsenior1 Have no idea how long they going to stay. I hope no more than a couple of days since they don’t have as much vacation as we do. So I was thinking that we stay at the hotel while his brother and wife are there and then stay at my PIL’s house after they leave. I think that is a good compromise as long as his brother and wife leave early.
You know…honestly this sounds like it’s a LOT deeper than just the relationship with your sister in-law.
Just go to the funeral…and go home.
Then come back to visit your MIL when it’s not funeral time. It might be a cheerier time to visit…and she won’t have other company…and might welcome yours more.
I also like my family and my husband’s family…but for something like a funeral…we would stay in a hotel…and we would not try to turn it into a social visit. The social visit would happen at a different time.
Can you communicate with MIL on email or social media? Have the MIL commit to a casserole which you can bring from home, or breakfast of bagels and fruit. CC the BIL wife. Drop off the casserole with a large Ziploc bag and tell them to put the dirty dish in the bag. Then leave. If MIL wants the breakfast make sure you and your husband have a code word to exit immediately.
@thumper1 it all started when the SIL and I got in the picture. My MIL was pretty happy with my DH, even though he is #2, since he listened to her before we got married. I have no problem with his parents, since I understand where she is coming from, so I try not to let it bother me too much. Good thing she lives 12 hr from us. My MIL and I get along pretty fine as long as we don’t talk about his BIL and his wife. She gets upset with us since I don’t listen to her and my DH listens to me more than her.
We also want this to be a visit with his parents afterward, since if we plan for a later date to visit her, she will tell her other son and his wife to visit her the same week we’re there. We had to leave early one time because of that, and we had to cancel a couple of visits to her house since she invited her son, wife and their kids down the same week. She wants all of us to spend time together, which is understandably, but I don’t want to be in the same room as my BIL’s wife.
The in-laws sound very difficult. But geez, the MIL just lost her sister. I think you should at least consider staying at the house, especially if that is you DH’s preference.
@MaterS I refuse to do anything that my SIL will participate in. I know it makes me sound childish, but I am that type of person. I have no problem helping people even strangers, and I rarely get mad. In my personal life, if someone ever gets me very mad and say hateful things to me , they don’t get anything from me. I don’t behave this way in my professional life, since I have to work with them.
If you absolutely cannot fathom staying overnight in the house, have your DH handle communicating your travel/lodging plans with his mother. You may have to be in the house some of the time during the week, so be prepared, and have a “code word” your husband will understand if you need him to come “rescue” you from your SIL.
His mother sounds awful, and her losing her sister doesn’t excuse her bad behavior. You don’t have to sit around and listen to her berate your husband even if he is okay with it.
You need to stay in control at any function (the wake, the funeral, the eating after the funeral). Car ready to go back to the hotel, designated driver ready to leave at any time. Control. Your own car.