What should I do? A relative of the family just passed away and the deceased relative lived near my parents-in-law. My PIL have a house with 4 bedrooms in another state that is a 12 hr drive. We plan to stay with them; however, my BiL and his wife are also planning to stay there. I get along fine with my PiL but the BiL’s wife hates me. She told me that my DH could have done better by marrying someone else instead of me after we got married. After that , I refuse to spend time with my BiL and his wife. We haven’t spent time with them for over 10 years. They live about 1.5 hrs from us. My PiL always spend christmas, Thanksgiving, and Easter with my BIL and his family then drive to our house a few days later. The PiL also love my BiL more than they love my DH. We are planning to drive down there and rent a hotel that is 30 mins from my PiL’s since my PiL live in a small town and the closest hotel is 30 mins away. Now my MiL is pissed off that we don’t want to stay with her and be a family. Do you think I should stay at my PiL’s house for a week and be unhappy since my BiL’s wife is going to be there or just have my MiL be mad at us? I don’t want to stay at their house since my MiL expect us to serve her (ie cooking the meals, cleaning the dishes washing clothes, etc which I am fine with) and my BIL and his wife (which I have no intention of doing).
Stay in the hotel. Your husband should honestly tell his mother that you are visiting to attend the funeral and honor the relative who died. Your husband can tell her that the two of you do not want to stay with your brother and sister in law because you don’t get along. Say it will be more comfortable for everyone this way. If she is angry she’s angry.
Is it possible that this would be an opportunity to turn a new leaf? 10 years is a long time. Maybe sil has matured since then?
That said, if you really don’t feel comfortable, just stay at the hotel and have your dh run the interference with his parents.
@collegehuh This is a sticky situation but you have saved yourself by staying away from BIL and SIL for 10 years so staying with them at the PIL will be extra ladened with stress. Funerals, baptisms, births, and weddings are not places to have fights and ill will. Save yourself the grief and stay in a hotel and participate at the house if you are able if not attend the funeral and other activities only. Remind your MIL that you and SIL cannot happily coexist in the house and that you want the house to be peaceful due to the occasion. I am sure if you have told her before you MIL will remember the comments made and should be ok with it and not angry. Do not sacrifice your own sanity because if you stay there and have trouble they will all label you as crazy or not convivial to SIL and the cycle will continue. Good luck
You can stay in the hotel without telling them all the reasons why. Just tell them that you’ll be staying nearby and will see them throughout the weekend.
I agree with @austinmshauri. You don’t need to go into detail, don’t throw fuel on the fire. Just tell them you appreciate the offer, but you’d just rather stay in the hotel. If they press, I’d just say you like your space and privacy the older you get.
I forgot to mention that this is my MIL’s sister who passed away. If we stay at the hotel, then my MiL is going to think that we are not supportive of her and that we don’t love her, while the BIL and his wife are going to look like they care about her (which they don’t since they just want her money) . How do we show emotional support or love when we are not going to be around her all time like my BIL and his wife?
You can’t really show “all the time” love and support 24/7. Show it well when you are there with them and you should have no regrets about not being their around the clock. If BIL and his wife “win” the support prize so be it. That to me is a sign of pettiness if someone is counting the hours of support. I’m sorry for this loss in your family!
A week is a LONG time to be uncomfortable with people and a long time to be supportive to someone really needy.
We don’t even stay at my in-laws because it’s always way too crowded. Haven’t stayed at their house in many years. We stay at a very nearby hotel.
No explanation.
I would just tell your inlaws that you would be more comfortable staying at a hotel. You don’t even have to say anything else. I have never heard of visiting the inlaws and treating THEM like special house guests, interesting!
Why would you stay for a week? Just go for the funeral and then go home the next day.
Tell MIL you understand this is a stressful time for her and don’t want her to have any more folks underfoot to have to take care of while she is grieving her sister. IMO that is showing her consideration.
@3js3ks if we don’t serve her she thinks we don’t love her. When we don’t do it , she bad mouth us to the other relatives. From what I have heard, my BIL and his wife don’t even help her, but since my MiL love them, they can do no wrong. She always has great things to say about them, and finds any reasons to criticize us to anyone who is going to listen. For instance, my FIL was in the hospital, so we were worried and went there for over a week. She told us that we don’t love her since we didn’t stay down there long enough, while my BIL and his wife never showed up and only called her to ask her how she was doing. She went around telling people how caring and loving my BIL and his wife were to them and how selfish my DH and I were since we were not willing to spend more of our vacation hours to stay down there until my FIL got out of the hospital.
@collegehuh she sounds like someone that is difficult for you to be able to please. Please your husband and yourself and don’t worry about the rest, especially if it is going to be near impossible anyway.
@collegehuh Why are you agonizing over this? You don’t get along with your sis in law and your MIL treats your husbands brother as the golden child. Why would you even want to be around parents that don’t bother to spend one holiday with you but always go to the brothers first? This is easy, stay in a hotel.
You’re not going to change her. I’d stay in a hotel a few days (no way for a whole week) and be polite but you do not need to be apologetic for not staying with her.
Since the rift is not a secret, I’d have H say that it may be too much togetherness to all be in the same house. If you would like you can suggest that you all have a meal together – maybe it can help to thaw things out.
Based on your description, it sounds like it wouldn’t matter how much time and attention you were to give, it will never be enough. Nothing you and your husband do will be enough. She will bad mouth you anyway.
Stay in the hotel. Visit MIL and treat SIL with civil politeness. Your husband should deal with them the most as they are his family. If he prefers you do so, just tell them that this is what you and your husband have decided is best. If they complain or criticize and he still prefers you to be the one to engage, just tell them that you won’t be continuing the discussion. Walk away if needed (or drive away).
Really, you are letting them have power over you unnecessarily.
Is there a cultural element to the funeral that you need to be there for a week? You don’t have to share but I’m wondering if there are is more to this occasion than the typical funeral.
You’re an adult so you need to respond and act with what is best for you and your husband - and will probably actually make your time with MIL more supportive and genuine than if you have to be in her home serving her for a week!
Three days is the longest we have EVER spent at a family funeral.
Why a week?