<p>Wait- no one here said that 16 is too early to worry about sex/pregnancies/ diseases. Hopefully we are not that naive! That has nothing to do with liking/not liking his girlfriend. The best thing you can do there is make sure he is well educated, make sure he has access to birth control, acknowledge that it may already be happening, and be there for him if he needs you.</p>
<p>I also loved Smog’s comment!</p>
<p>I am DoinSchool. I really am. </p>
<p>My God does every one here think if I don’t like her he will rebel and like her more? What is this a James Dean movie? </p>
<p>That is bogus. </p>
<p>Sorry not buying that. </p>
<p>He likes her for the exact reason I said. She likes him. He doesn’t have to extend himself or risk looking uncool in any way to get her attention. </p>
<p>When I said she was “easy” I didn’t mean sexually although I am pretty sure they are heading there pretty soon. </p>
<p>I respect the don’t do anything it isn’t your business mantra (repeat after me 100 times) I just don’t agree with it. </p>
<p>And my wife is a better parent than I? Now that is hilarious. Both my kids would be homeless if she were making all the decisions. I have friends, family memeber and co-workers who do the hands off approach to parenting and in about 50% of th ecases their kids are wayyyyyyyyyyyy off base compared to mine so my tough love no excuses get things done right form of parenting is working pretty well so far. </p>
<p>For as long as I can remember people have been telling me that one my kids will do this and that wrong and I won’t be able to control them and all I can do is smile and nod and hope they turn out all right and funny thing so far that day hasn’t come. My kids, both of them, know who has their back. Both my kids know no one on earth will do more for them over thier lives than I will. </p>
<p>He hasn’t broken up with her yet but he’s listening. He knows that I wouldn’t give him bad advice.</p>
<p>Yikes…</p>
<p>This thread just makes me very sad…</p>
<p>given your description of her, there’s nothing wrong with their relationship…yet, you want to interfere…</p>
<p>I’m very thankful that my daughter is not going out with your son…and I say that with respect…and realize that we are soooo lucky that she is going out with a great kid whose parents are actually nice to her…</p>
<p><em>sigh</em> Been there and made just about every mistake one can make! And in the end I had to go back to answer A and stay out of it. Barring a very serious or dangerous situation there is nothing you can do that will not make your son dig in his heels and make the whole thing worse. He’s 16, he has to figure it out his likes and dislikes on his own. As far as her being “easy,” most people will take the path of least resistance 9 out of 10 times. It’s not a bad thing, it’s normal. Try to find something you like about her and never let on that you don’t really like her. </p>
<p>Oh, and remember: This too shall pass! Just my 2 cents. Good luck.</p>
<p>“Why don’t I like her? Nothing big. She has values. She’s nice. She isn’t incarcerated. But she just isn’t the right girl for him.”</p>
<p>The answer is A, do nothing.
Read what you wrote above. She’s a nice girl. His (I assume) first ‘serious’ girl friend.</p>
<p>If you convince him to break up with her, what does that say about his ability to make his own decisions in his adult life? He is almost an adult. If you don’t start treating him like one, he’ll never get any practice.</p>
<p>Your wife’s parenting style might not be the right one for small children, but it’s a great one for kids approaching adulthood, especially barring any serious behavior issues. Sounds like your son is a good kid. Do him a favor. Let him have his life. Repeat after me: it is HIS life. IT IS HIS LIFE.</p>
<p>Pick your own battles, you can’t win this one!
I have 4 kids & there have quite a few significant others I haven’t liked over the years.
My husband & I always kept our mouths shut, which was the correct thing to do. </p>
<p>Eventually when they split up, DO NOT say “Oh I never liked her anyway.” (Because they could get back together again! This also can happen with married couples, too, so it is best to just keep your opinion of someone to yourself.)</p>
<p>So, I thought you username was familiar, OP, so I took a look at your old posts. And then I remembered why you’re familiar. You posted in the “What if your kids are average?” thread months ago and I remember that you absolutely scared the crap out of me and I copied your words to show to friends as an example of “OMG CC PARENTS ARE CRAZY!!!”</p>
<p>Here’s the quote in particular: “But let’s be clear. My job is to push him. My job is to make sure he doesn’t settle for vanilla or average since he has the tools to reach higher and accomplish more so no, now that you asked, I damned well won’t let him settle for being average.”</p>
<p>I’m assuming you’re talking about the same kid, since you said the older one was the not-average one of your sons. From my perspective, it looks like you have an overly high opinion of your son. So he’s smart, big deal, smart kids are a dime a dozen. So you think he can get a “better” girlfriend, well, you clearly haven’t seen how brutal the high school dating scene can be (and how brutal high school girls can be. Trust me, I know, I’m currently a high school girl who spends a good portion of my time counseling various male friends who get rejected). Also, your only objection to this girl seems to be that she happens to <em>like</em> your son (as opposed to playing hard to get)… the horror! Would you prefer that he’s with a girl who stomps all over him just because she knows she has the power in the relationship (and trust me again, that happens all the time)? You said yourself that this girl has values and is nice; since she’s not some sort of pothead or sociopath, what, exactly, is wrong with this relationship?</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re trying to live vicariously through your son. You need to let him decide <em>some</em> things for himself. I can understand (even if I don’t agree with) the pushing academically, but this is his own love life, for crying out loud. If you make him end this prematurely, he may very well grow to resent you. And really, with all due respect, I’m guessing you’re in your late 40s/early 50s, so you’re pretty much out of touch with today’s dating scene, especially at the high school level. I mean, when you were dating, the internet and cell phones weren’t even invented, never mind Facebook and texting. </p>
<p>There’s the flip side too. Maybe your son’s just not all that attractive and he <em>can’t</em> do better. Sorry to say, but it could be a possibility. And with the academic stuff, maybe he’s <em>not</em> as smart as you think he is. Lots of parents, especially in this day and age, are completely blind to what they’re kids actually are. </p>
<p>And yes, I do realize that I’m only in high school and I probably don’t know what it’s like to be a parent. But I do know how I would feel if I got all these restrictions, and that would be extremely resentful. If not now, then in the future. And if I were your son, I would eventually just start dating behind my parents’ backs. Also, my parents don’t control my life to anything near this degree (and they’re very typical Asian parents too), but I still turned out absolutely fine, even by Asian standards.</p>
<p>Sorry for the long post. In summary: option A.</p>
<p>I do think that parents telling their 16-year-old sons that a girl isn’t right for him could lead to him clinging to her more to prove that she is.</p>
<p>My parents sat down with my 21-year-old sister to discuss her boyfriend with her. They had specific (valid) concerns. She told him everything. It created a difficult situation throughout their marriage. They are now divorced.</p>
<p>You can vent on the parents’ forum. But please don’t say anything to your son!</p>
<p>Say nothing.</p>
<p>Because one day she may be your daughter-in-law. And then what will you do? How will you take back and/or live with what you said? It happened to me.</p>
<p>We didn’t particularly care for our older son’s GF from junior year in HS. We said nothing. He eventually dumped her because she demanded too much of his time and he wanted to be free his senior year. Fall of 2008, he went off to college 600 miles away and she stayed in town for college. They got “back together” by phone, FB, e-mail, etc. Second semester, she dropped out of college, moved to live near him and got a job. August before sophomore year (and one month before our son was supposed to leave for a semseter in Spain), they told us she was pregnant.</p>
<p>Despite what I thought about her two years before, she was now the mother of my grandchild. She and I planned a wedding in three weeks. They lived with us for two months while trying to find jobs here and a place to live. Our gorgeous grandson will be 8 months old tomorrow. Our son is working full-time as a minstry assistant at their church. He is not in college this semester because he’s not sure if he wants to continue his former major or become a pastor. Our daughter-in-law is taking 10 hours of college classes (and we are paying for them from our son’s Coverdell IRA.) They are 21 and 20 and amazing parents. They struggle financially and relationally but they accept that this detour was of their making and they are determined to make it work.</p>
<p>My daughter-in-law did not have a great role model for a mom. She now considers me that role model and we have a wonderful relationship. If I had told my son to dump her because she was wrong for him back in 2007, what would our relationship be now?</p>
<p>E. Buy duck tape. Cut 10" strip. Place over your mouth. This is not your game.</p>
<p>Make sure your S is aware of how to protect himself. Be kind and respectful to your spouse. Model caring, loving behavior. Your S is conducting his relationship opnely. Don’t drive it underground with your disapproval.</p>
<p>OP - you should listen to happilyhelen. She is wiser than you.</p>
<p>Reading between the lines, your biggest objection seems to be that you don’t find your son’s girlfriend attractive. This is - in a word - creepy. After all - she’s “nice” and “has values” - if only she would reject your son and make him work harder for her affection! Then her worth would seem to increase in your eyes.</p>
<p>I hope for your son that he has the maturity of some of the kids posting on CC and not what he’s seen from your example. He will be a far happier person if he’s not in the same “game” you seem to find so satisfying.</p>
<p>Given your view of your own wife I can only wonder that she hasn’t served up some of the rejection you crave and declared “game over” on your marriage.</p>
<p>I am sad for your family.</p>
<p>I always thought it was the mom’s who think that no girl is good enough for their little boys not the dads.</p>
<p>Happilyhelen - just had to comment that you are remarkably together for a high school student…lightyears from where I was at your age.</p>
<p>OP - I thought this was a ■■■■■ post when I first read it. The choice is A.</p>
<p>^^^ Though E, proposed by CountingDown in post 31, sounds good, too. And great post from olderwisermom (#30)!</p>
<p>OP, I’m wondering how you see your role as a father as your children grow older? Will you always want to exercise control over their choice of girlfriend/boyfriend, or are you mostly concerned because this is your son’s first experience?</p>
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<p>@OP – can you appreciate how arrogant this remark is? Do you really think it is impossible that you would give your son bad advice? Do you really think you know what he needs better than he does. I think liking someone because they like you is a perfectly good reason to be in a relationship. Relationships should be easy at this age, who needs all the drama?</p>
<p>You seem to have an attitude that an overly controlling style of parenting is a good style of parenting because your kids are turning out well. That just means you are getting away with the behavior, it doesn’t mean that there might not have been a better way to handle things.</p>
<p>This thread is sad because your kids acquiesce to your control and that proves to you that the control is good so you exert more. Don’t be so sure you won’t one day regret your behavior.</p>
<p>I think you would benefit from some professional counseling.</p>
<p>I second the vote for counseling.</p>
<p>Sadly, I suspect your wife and kids will be the only ones who end up on the couch.</p>
<p>Whoa. </p>
<p>Interesting. </p>
<p>Some really great and well meant advice. Thank you. Some advice I don’t agree with. Thank you too. Some wild off the cuff assumptions and word splicing. I guess that’s par for the course. So thank you too. </p>
<p>It seems the general consensus is not to say anything because if I do he will hate me forever and be dysfunctional forever and never be able to develop normal relationships. Or something like that. I don’t agree with “A” do nothing but I will tell you that of the people suggesting that I especially appreciate the words from those who have intervened and realized later they were wrong because at least they are speaking from life experiences. </p>
<p>I’d like to reply to everyone but I am in a rush to give the very same son a ride back to school to see a game. Quickly , happilyhelen if my words on an old thread about having high expectations for both of my kids “scared” you, well, that is kind of weird. There is nothing wrong with trying to get people to reach their potential and achieve their dreams or to even have dreams. Oh, maybe you read that as I beat my kids until they have good grades and stay out of trouble. No. Not exactly. </p>
<p>Okay. Got to go. Will be back. </p>
<p>By the way, can’t find it now, but for the poster who thinks it is “creepy” that I don’t think the girl is good enough for my son based on looks (that poster’s assumption, hell, half this thread is based on assumptions) well I hate to break this too you but occasionally people in the Real World are judged based on physical beauty. </p>
<p>And really quickly. My wife and I have been together for a long time. I’ve only been married once and have no complaints. She’s pretty happy too. I’ll ask her later just to be sure but I have no doubts about that. I’ll reply more on point when I get back. </p>
<p>Frazzled I’ll answer you in about 30 min too.</p>
<p>My advice was based on actual experience. </p>
<p>To me the whole goal of parenting is to raise kids who become confident adults who can make their own decisions. If they ASK me for advice or my opinion, I am honored. </p>
<p>But once they hit their late teens, I try to let them make their own way. Because, like I said before–you need to let them try their wings. And possibly–gasp! Go out with someone you don’t think is 100% perfect. It is what he thinks that is important. And if you are sort of working on him to change his opinion of this girl, that seems immature, controlling and manipulative to me. I’d ask myself why I wanted to control him so much, if I were you.</p>
<p>One of my kids made a romantic choice I wasn’t wild about. I was very uncomfortable initially and wished I agreed with the choice, yet there was nothing wrong with the object of her affections, I just didn’t personally connect…and then it hit me like a lightening bolt! It is HER life, not mine. She was almost 17 at the time. We’d had all the talks about being safe/avoiding STDs/avoiding pregnancy/waiting that we were ever going to have.</p>
<p>The more I repeated to myself ‘it’s her life’–the more I realized how true that was. And how it was my duty as a parent to begin to let go, and show her I trusted her to make her own life decisions.</p>
<p>It would be the best gift you could give your son. It is his life, it is his girlfriend. </p>
<p>Other aspects of parenting/involvement aside, his friends and his romantic interests should be his own territory. I’d only step in if I saw abuse or something like that.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>You talk about “trying to get people to reach their potential,” but who are you to decide what their potential really is? Like I said before, you’re his parent, so you are in no way an impartial judge and I feel like you’re blinded by what you want him to be. I’ve been the kid that people expect to reach some impossible “potential,” and I can tell you that it leads to constantly doubting oneself, having a debilitating fear of disappointing anyone, and a complete inability to accept or even talk about even the smallest failures. It’s like the change from potential energy to kinetic energy- in real life, some of the energy is lost to heat. Similarly, no kid can ever actually reach their expected “potential.” Just last week, my school sent me to the hospital to get a psych evaluation because they thought I was suicidal based on a blog post I wrote after I got a low grade on a test because of a mistake on the part of the teacher (he entered it into the electronic grade book wrong). I wasn’t suicidal and the psychiatrist that evaluated me said that the school had overreacted, but the point is that this is what intense pressure to reach “potential” can lead to. And my parents only pressured me in elementary school; the pressure didn’t continue on through high school like you’ve done to your kids.</p>
<p>Also, the “or to even have dreams” concerns me. Dreams are personal and should be up to your kids and it’s not for you to decide what their dreams are and if those dreams are big enough for their “potential.” Give it time for them to figure out what they want to do with their live. When I was in 1st grade, by dad pushed me and taught we 4th grade level math. The only thing I wanted in the world at the time was to be “normal” and not the freaky math girl and the entire experience ended with me, to this day, disliking math (though I’m decent at it). I do well in school now not because of constant pressure from my parents, but because I care about academics now. Give your kids the chance to even care for themselves, which they can never do if you’re doing all the caring for them. I may be wrong about this (since I’m going from memory), but you said in the old thread that your older son prefers playing video games over schoolwork. Ever considered that that might be because you’ve made school not fun for him with all the pressure? </p>
<p>I don’t think you beat your kids. I think you impose impossible to reach expectations that will mess up their mental and emotional growth. </p>
<p>I’m sure your wife does love you. But does she know that you publicly proclaim on internet forums that she’s a bad parent and that your kids would be <em>homeless</em> if it was up to her? (Besides, being together for a long time doesn’t automatically equal still being in love.)</p>