<p>I think that many teens and young adults just lack perspective. I know I did when I was that age. I was probably an average kid in terms of empathy and kindness and tact, but I know in retrospect that I had lots of blind spots as a teen/young adult and they tended to cluster in certain areas. One of them was around money. </p>
<p>I remember feeling frustrated (and at times somewhat hostile) to the idea that my parents would only pay a certain amount of money toward college. I was scraping by as a pauper (which is normal for college kids) and yet when I’d go home and see that my parents bought a new refridgerator I would feel really upset. My thinking was if they just held off for a few more years, I could have put that money to far better use. Nevermind the old fridge was probably 20 years old and on its last legs. I just couldn’t separate in my mind that my parents had a whole host of priorities to balance with <em>their</em> money - four children, a mortgage, retirement, house repairs and upkeep, etc. It is not like they went on vacations or bought fancy cars - they bought a refridgerator! I was wise enough to keep my mouth shut about that fridge, but it ate at me for a very long time. I just could not “see” the big picture of what it meant for my parents to have to balance out all the different needs. I was just a little too selfish to allow my parents to make their own priorities without my own internal running commentary. </p>
<p>I probably didn’t wise up until I got married and had my own kids – and then got to live through the same issues but on the flip side! Just one of many examples - When my 8 year old was frustrated at his Dad and I that we didn’t go out immediately to buy the latest gaming console (we already had one, but it was the “old” version), our son just couldn’t wrap his brain around the idea that if we had money sitting in a bank account why it shouldn’t go to <em>his</em> high priority wish item. No amount of logic helped the conversation! While our son has grown far beyond this issue (he saves up for his own computer goodies now), I am certain that even with our best efforts to raise a wise and compassionate and financially savvy child, that when he makes his first steps into financially <em>independence</em>, especially during college years (where we expect him to contribute to his education) - that the same kinds of struggles will likely occur to one degree or another.</p>
<p>My thoughts for dealing specifically with college aged kids who act ungrateful is to set firm and realistic boundaries, and if being treated rudely to <em>respond</em> at some level to it. I think our children of all ages should get honest responses when they act poorly in front of us. It is also not too late to sit down and redraft the financial agreement between you and a college aged child and expect more of a direct contribution, whatever that might be (summer earnings, some student loans, whathaveyou). </p>
<p>My D asked me once, “If I get a scholarship for college, will you give me that same amount of money since you were going to pay for college anyway?” In other words, would we take the money we weren’t going to pay due to the scholarship and give it to her to do what she wanted with? I laughed in her face, and she was offended. </p>
<p>Actually, Lafalum, I don’t think your d’s question is that off the wall-- with a slight modification. We told our kids there was XXXXX amount allotted for college/education. If they didn’t spend it on college, it was there for grad/professional school, but not for corvettes or ferraris.</p>
<p>"My D asked me once, “If I get a scholarship for college, will you give me that same amount of money since you were going to pay for college anyway?” </p>
<p>We handled that by splitting the difference with older S and us. Seemed like a fair thing to do since his hard work had earned the scholarship, yet our offering to help pay for his college was doing him a favor. It wasn’t an obligation.</p>
<p>"jym626: I see what you are saying here. She is accustomed to “going without,” because we never had the financial ability to give her a lot of things. For example, she has never had a car (the only one of her friends who didn’t have one in high school). </p>
<p>I think it may be a phase, as some of you have said here. But it is still a bit hurtful at times. I try to remember that she needs to focus on doing well in school. Since she is going to apply to high-level graduate schools, how she does now will greatly impact her future. So maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving than I have been."</p>
<p>My kids were the only ones of their friends without cars, but I don’t think that my kids viewed themselves as being deprived because of that. They were aware that kids who really are deprived are the ones in homeless shelters, kids who are being raised by ailing grandparents, kids who don’t have food or access to education. My carless kids had very cushy lives compared with kids in the majority of the world.</p>
<p>It’s very possible to do well in school while working and taking out loans. Most of my friends did so, including those who went to Ivies and went to top graduate and professional schools. One of the top students whom I ever taught – at the 2nd tier public where I taught – was sending herself completely through school by working 30 hours a week and taking out tens of thousands of dollars in loans. She graduated magna with exceptional achievements in her field. </p>
<p>After college, she went on to an excellent job in her field and later got a fellowship to Harvard that was connected to that field, and Harvard offered her an adjunct teaching position.</p>
<p>I think that you could expect a lot more appreciation from your daughter. I don’t think you are out of line by being hurt. There are plenty of college students who are appreciative to their parents for whatever help the parents provide for college expenses.</p>
<p>I was the only one of my friends who didn’t get a car on her sixteenth birthday, and I wholeheartedly agreed with my parents for not giving me one. I thought it was rather ridiculous to give a kid who’d only just navigated drivers’ ed their own car, and I never thought that I was being deprived of anything.</p>
<p>Deprivation is not getting an adequate education, not having enough to eat, and not having a safe place to sleep at night. Not having a car is only deprivation in the teen-angst sense of the word.</p>
<p>LOL everyone! I hadn’t realized until now that there were several (all correct) ways to interpret my comments. Reading how many of you have read my post, I am struck by the fact that there are 2 ways to think about the OP’s daughters behaviors, and it got me looking at it from both sides (I’d only thought of one originally- so thanks everyone for presenting various interpretations). If a child growing up has everything given to them because mommy and daddy can afford to do it, then they may not entertain the thought that they should be expected to contribute or to pay for any of it, and may come across with a sense of entitlement. But equally true is the fact that if a child hadn’t had things in the first place because the parents couldn’t afford it, and they were not accustomed to having these things or to have to pay for them, then why, when something is provided, would the child think that they would be expected to contribute? It just isn’t in their repertoire. It is eye opening, and explains why the term “entitlement” is also used for some government subsidies. Thanks everyone!</p>