<p>D1 and I were discussing, and D said she probably would be somewhat resentful if in the OP’s place. She said that if (1) it was a sibling, and/or (2) the cost was for an undergraduate education that really wasn’t available in the home country, it wouldn’t bother her so much. Also, if the parents’ retirement is fully funded (so OP won’t be supporting them eventually when they could have used this money), then there is less room for resentment.</p>
<p>You don’t know what this money and the power of its potential represents to your parents. The money is no longer earmarked for you - you are taken care of, in their eyes. Now, they are willing to share it with the extended family. What generous people they must be! I’m sure they feel very fortunate to have a son “settled.” They may feel an old obligation to the family of the niece, or feel that they are the niece’s best chance for a middle-class life. Many girls have their fate decided for them, but your cousin will be free to choose her own.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would take the initiative in suggesting and even negotiating the contract terms with your cousin. You are very close to the academic crucible and know more about the difficulty of the terms of her tuition agreement. You don’t have to do this in a punitive manner; you could really help with supportive discussions on how to get that high gpa, how to avoid time traps, etc.</p>
<p>Are your parents set for retirement without this money?</p>
<p>Reminds me a little of the parable of “The Prodigal Son.” I most easily identify with the older brother who did everything right. It’s hard not to be a little resentful, but maybe that parable can help you see the bigger picture.</p>
<p>How the OP’s parents choose to spend their money is their business. It is not his in any way. He can feel however he wants to about how they spend their money, but it is not his place to suggest that they negotiate a contract with their niece, or that he inspect their retirement funds, or question them in any way. There is nothing in the OP to suggest that his parents are not fully rational, capable adults who can manage their own affairs. This kid is 22-23 and is resentful. He can tell his mother that if he wants, and risk hurting her feelings if it makes him feel better, but to suggest that he knows better how to manage their money is just silly. If I had suggested to my father that I negotiate a contract between he and my sister on how she would pay for her education he would have knocked me into next week. He needs to learn to deal with his feelings, but to suggest that he has a better handle on their finances and how they should be spending their money is not the way to do that.</p>
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Well, as somebody suggested earlier, this can be hard to do if your parent helps out relatives who need the help because of their own bad choices. Intellectually you can accept that it’s their money, that they want to help the ones who need it, etc.–but viscerally it can make you feel bad. It’s as old as the story of the Prodigal Son.</p>
<p>college_query and Hunt,</p>
<p>I have read the four Gospels before, but the Parable of the Prodigal Son has never felt more at home. Thanks for mentioning it.</p>
<p>lololu,</p>
<p>Maybe it’s because I’m a “22-23…resentful kid” and not a parent yet, but I can’t help but get the feeling from your post that because the money I saved my parents by choosing a less expensive in-state university “is not mine in any way,” I have no say in the matter and any feelings on my part that suggest otherwise should merit my being “knocked into next week” by my dad.</p>
<p>Let me clear: I thank everyone’s input on the matter, and to repeat, I believe that many of the perspectives offered are helpful because I truly did not think of them prior to making the thread. But, from the perspective of a “resentful” 22-23 year old, I don’t fully agree with the posts that say “it’s your parents’ money, not yours. End of discussion.” If that’s truly how these parents feel, then from my angle, I shouldn’t have thought of my parents’ finances five years ago. Had I chosen the private LAC I had been admitted to, I would likely have never made this thread because then my parents would not have been able to support my cousin’s postgraduate education. The issue would never have arisen.</p>
<p>Of course, many people would respond by saying that such thinking is self-centered, selfish, entitled, etc. And I would agree: it is self-centered, selfish, and entitled to think that way. But a post that in essence says “it’s not your money, so you have no right to be resentful” can only lead me to think that had I been self-centered five years ago, this would have all been a non-issue.</p>
<p>That’s why I find coureur’s post to be very helpful. I may not like how my mom is thinking, but it remains that the money I saved may be used to help a family member live a better life. So from coureur’s point of view, no, it was definitely not a mistake to think of my parents five years ago, and I feel a lot better knowing that.</p>
<p>I clarify that I didn’t make this thread to seek validation. I certainly didn’t want replies that only tried to make me “feel better.” In time I may see otherwise, but right now, I just can’t agree with the reasoning that because the money I saved my parents “isn’t mine,” I’ve got no right to be “resentful.” If that’s the case, then no child has any incentive to think of his parents’ financial situation when selecting which college to attend. Why bother saving money that isn’t yours? I don’t know, but I’m glad that I thought of my parents then.</p>
<p>I would probably be hurt too; they’re your parents and you were content and use to the idea that they wouldn’t sacrifice their whole life savings to spend on your education - fine.<br>
But they suddenly seem so eager to help your cousin out? I would honestly be angry and confused. Try talking with them and telling them how you feel. If your mom is like my mom, she’s going to be very defensive - let her be. Just try to explain how you feel.</p>
<p>Accoutrement, Think of it this way - what your decision to go to the less expensive school bought you was the ability to follow whatever path you wanted for graduate school, without respect to finances. Had you wanted medical school, your parents would have been able to pay. Your choice back then was in giving yourself unlimited options and choices, with no debt whatever career you chose, a luxury that many don’t have. Nobody back then, including you, had a crystal ball to know that you were going to end up in a fully funded PhD program at Duke. </p>
<p>The money was earmarked for educational expenses - which are no longer needed by you. You seem to be saying that if you had a chance to do it all over again, you’d have chosen differently. Again, easy to say that now with the benefit of hindsight… I could empathize with you if you were saying that your parents can ill afford this expense at all and that they truly need to save for their own retirement, something that you also took into account five years ago.</p>
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<p>Not exactly. I had a great time at my alma mater. My professors were excellent, as were my friends. What I’m saying is, I disagree with the posts that suggest that I have no right to be angry or confused because the money saved isn’t mine. At my age, that seems to suggest that kids shouldn’t be trying to save their parents’ money since their parents’ money isn’t theirs and therefore, kids should not consider their parents’ finances when choosing which college to attend. I admit I’m not a parent and so my perspective may change when the time comes, but that doesn’t seem like the right message to be sending.</p>
<p>I really do feel like the older brother in the Parable of the Prodigal Son. I knew my parents were paying for my undergraduate education. My parents didn’t attach any strings to their funding, but I respected the fact that they were footing the bill by studying hard for my classes, and it paid off. But now my mom’s niece–my cousin–is planning on coming to the United States to pursue her Master’s while being fully funded by my parents. It’s $8,000 a year only if she maintains a 3.5 GPA every semester, which won’t be easy since the classes will be in English (not her native language) and her undergraduate GPA was less than 3.5 / 4.0 at her home institution with classes taught in her native language. What’s more, her parents aren’t paying the bill; mine are, so she has much less incentive to maintain the GPA requirement than if her own parents were responsible.</p>
<p>I stress that really, it’s only my mom who is willing to support my cousin; maybe it’s because my cousin is not related to my dad, but for whatever reason, my dad is much less supportive of the plan. That’s another part of why I was angry and confused. Five years ago, my dad was reluctant to pay for a private LAC or research U but was still willing provided that the school was “good” enough. My mom, on the other hand, just wasn’t convinced that there was any point in doing so. The med school arrangement at the time was a sort of compromise, but now that it’s irrelevant, I’m not bothered by that. I’m just confused as to why my mom wasn’t willing to pay up to $25,000 a year for her own son’s education but is willing to pay that up to that amount for her niece’s education.</p>
<p>As coureur said, however, it wasn’t wrong to think of my parents at the time. I may disagree with it, but the fact remains that if a family member can be helped by my decision, so be it. I’m not saying that I’ll definitely see it my mom’s way, but maybe when I’m wearing the parent shoes, it’ll make more sense to me.</p>
<p>What’s more, her parents aren’t paying the bill; mine are, so she has much less incentive to maintain the GPA requirement than if her own parents were responsible.</p>
<p>If your parents (both parents) have no intention of paying more money if she loses her scholarship because of GPA, then they need to make that clear to her now. If that isn’t clear to her from the beginning, it would be quite a shock to her to get the rug pulled out if she drops to a 3.4 GPA. </p>
<p>How much would it be if she loses her scholarship? Do her parents know how much?</p>
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<p>But again, couldn’t the answer be that your mom wanted to be sure to have that money in case <em>you</em> needed it for graduate school? Now that you don’t it’s a whole different set of circumstances than it was five years ago.</p>
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<p>My cousin had to apply for the in-state tuition scholarship, but before she earned it, my mom was already ready to pay the out-of-state tuition and fees, which are currently around $25,000 a year. Of course she’s relieved that my cousin earned the scholarship, but my mom was still willing to pay full freight, and I’m not sure if my cousin’s parents know just how much that is, especially when the currency is converted and adjusted for cost-of-living back in my parents’ native country.</p>
<p>That my mom behaved so differently in this situation compared to my own five years ago is what caused my anger and confusion. There was no sit-down conversation for my cousin; when her dad–my mom’s younger brother–said that he wanted her daughter to come to the States to pursue a Master’s, my mom immediately said yes without any hesitation. As I said, at the time, my cousin hadn’t even applied for the in-state tuition scholarship, and there was no guarantee that she would earn it. In my case, however, my dad had to convince my mom to accept the med school compromise. So that’s why I titled my thread the way I did; I didn’t understand why my mom was so eager to pay for my cousin’s education but so reluctant to pay for anything other than our in-state option.</p>
<p>I don’t feel that my mom doesn’t love me. That’s definitely not the case. I guess I just feel that sometimes, she has a strange way (to me) of showing it. Maybe as JHS said, my mom felt that I already had an excellent option, one that wasn’t available to my cousin. Maybe she felt that I didn’t “need” to attend a private LAC or research U, that she trusted me to take care of myself and do what was needed to be done at the in-state public U. In the end, if it goes through, then I have to let bygones be bygones and be glad that I helped a family member out indirectly.</p>
<p>Maybe this isn’t about your mom’s relationship with her niece, but instead about her relationship with her brother… Could be something there that makes her want to pay this expense. Looking big/rich/comfortable in the eyes of her family back home? People do stupid things sometimes in order to appear generous (my ex-H was a perfect example… another story for another thread, though :))</p>
<p>I do get what you are saying, but you are still comparing her willingness to pay for two totally different type of degrees - undergraduate vs. graduate. Seems like your mother never opposed spending whatever was required for your graduate school. Maybe your mom, like many on this forum, does not feel that spending for private <em>under</em>graduate studies, when one is aiming for grad school, is a good value (not talking for myself here). It was a happy, although unanticipated outcome that your parents were in the position to make it possible for both of you to pursue the graduate educations you wanted. I hope you can get to the point where you can be happy for your cousin rather than resentful of what your parents are doing for her.</p>
<p>I am just curious but how would you have felt if your parents had spent the money on something frivolous- perhaps buying a large RV or a boat? Would it still bother you that they spent the money? I would be concerned about the GPA requirement and the change in the tuition bill but aside from that- it is their money. </p>
<p>We spent more money educating our youngest than our oldest and we even made the oldest pay for the extra year she took. However, we are helping her out now because of some life changes. Life isn’t fair and it sounds like you have done well. Talk to your mom and then move on as life is too short to be obsessing on this stuff.</p>
<p>And no, your feelings are not wrong; it is how you feel.</p>
<p>“I’m just confused as to why my mom wasn’t willing to pay up to $25,000 a year for her own son’s education but is willing to pay that up to that amount for her niece’s education.”</p>
<p>Have you asked your mom this?</p>
<p>Think carefully about your choice of words, and then ask her why she wants to fund her niece’s education in the US. She’s the only one who can really answer that question. I agree that it may be more about her brother and the extended family (especially if this niece is a godchild of hers), than it really is about the niece. If you can’t ask your mom, try asking your dad. He may be able to explain her logic to you.</p>
<p>Michelle Singletary, who writes about personal finance for the Washington Post, has written several columns over the years about helping out extended family. If you read through her column archives at [washingtonpost.com</a> - nation, world, technology and Washington area news and headlines](<a href=“http://www.washingtonpost.com%5Dwashingtonpost.com”>http://www.washingtonpost.com) you might get some ideas about appropriate ways you can help your mom help your cousin, and ways to determine if your cousin is (in Michelle’s terminology) triflin’. One suggestion that occurs to me would be to encourage the cousin to take the next couple of months perfecting her command of English. That way she will be better able to perform well in her classes once they start.</p>
<p>Wishing all of you all the best!</p>
<p>I had a vaguely similar situation after I graduated law school which I had paid for on my own. My mother then decided my brother should go to law school and offered to pay in full. She still doesn’t know he didn’t get high enough LSAT scores to be admitted…she thinks he didn’t apply. Years later it still rankles even though I finished debt free and she didn’t spend any money on law school for him.</p>
<p>There could be all kinds of reasons why your mom is doing this. You can politely ask.</p>
<p>Sometimes people do this to silently brag to relatives that THEY can afford to do this.</p>
<p>My dad was notoriously cheap with his kids. It drove my mom crazy, especially when my dad would whip his wallet out in no time flat whenever a niece or nephew wanted some toy or something unnecessary. My mom finally had to put her foot down and tell him that the family money goes to OUR kids first.</p>
<p>I think the real problem is not money although many of us are making it about money. Apparently, OP doesn’t need money and the parents have plenty of money to help the niece. The problem IMHO is that OP felt he took his parents finances/feelings into careful consideration when choosing a college. Now, he feels that the parents have given no consideration to his feelings in deciding to help out another relative. It’s about the feelings not the money. </p>
<p>Of course, it’s the parents’ money and it’s their right to do what they please with it, as the OP acknowledges. But that doesn’t help the feelings. </p>
<p>How was OP told of the situation? Did the parents sit down and discuss the fact that they felt that now he was settled in grad school, they could spare some money to help a less fortunate relative? I think not, because the OP doesn’t appear to know their motives.</p>