Dormmate coming out

Parent Cafe
21

<p>I think Cool is just fine, hey I am gay, okay, cool…</p>

<p>“i accept gay and straight alike” is unnecessary</p>

<p>All is needed is a it is not a big deal kind of response, because it isn’t a big deal to the people she is now telling</p>

<p>if her family was mean, it is not up to the new people to deal with all that history, just make sure the current environment is welcoming </p>

<p>A sorry “you had a rough time of it, and can’t wait to meet you!!!” will suffice</p>

<p>There is nothing to be fine with, saying that is like saying you are fine if they are tall, blind, a little person, or a natural blond, it is not ours to be fine with, by saying you are fine with it is making a judgement that there is something that for some its okay not to be fine with, if that makes sense</p>

<p>I would just say, welcome to the dorm!!!</p>

22

<p>For your daughter’s situation:

</p>

<p>For casual mentions in the future:
“That’s cool” generally suffices for the college aged crowd.</p>

<p>For future information:
“A Straight Person’s Guide to Gay Etiquette”
<a href=“http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/queer/etiquette/intro.html[/url]”>http://www.io.com/~wwwomen/queer/etiquette/intro.html&lt;/a&gt;. It covers a lot of topics, and it’s worth a look. I haven’t looked at the site for years, but I remember thinking that it was pretty good.</p>

23

<p>both my Ds have had classmates come out in various ways, and generally the response was, well Duh, or Cool (or something to that affect)</p>

<p>the least amount of explaining how you are responding to the news, the more natural it is</p>

<p>WHen you get to know the person a bit better, then you can share more personal information if you so choose, until then, it is just one aspect of a person</p>

<p>The thats’ Cool says it all, that it is no big deal, that it doesn’t bother you, that it is what it is, nothing more nothing less</p>

<p>Having my Ds share their classmates stories, that response is not terrible, it is perfectly clear…no big explanation is necessary</p>

<p>If the roommate had said, oh btw, I am black, would someone say, well gee, I am fine with that? no, oh that’s cool says it all</p>

24

<p>mini,</p>

<p>Yes! You said it better than I…</p>

<p>"Or it might be, “I know it took courage to come out like you did. I am not sure, but I might also be a lesbian, or bisexual (though my parents don’t know yet - they think I like guys 'cause I date 'em), or maybe not, but I accept gay and straight alike, and wish you the best at school. Looking forward to a great year, blah blah blah…” "</p>

<p>Except personally, I’ve been married for 25 years now (to a guy), and so far that’s been perfectly fine with me. :D</p>

25

<p>ZG states that the girl is struggling with this, had a difficult time coming out, and is worried about people’s reactions. There’s nothing “cool” about her situation. She’s having a tough time. She wants her roommates to be “fine with it.” We can assume most college kids would be fine with it, but not all would be. So she’s sending out feelers. If a roommate DID have a problem with a lesbian, wouldn’t the lesbian want to know in advance? She’s already faced non-acceptance; living in a tiny dorm room with someone who wasn’t accepting of you would be an unnecessary burden on a girl who just came out. And CGM, you mention having a blind roommate as a situation that someone should not have the right to question. I don’t agree at all. There are many special considerations that someone sharing a room with a blind person would have - - failing to keep junk off the floor could be dangerous, for example. I really think the sighted roommate should have a choice if she was willing to make the accomodations necessary. Not everyone would be willing. Early risers & night owls might clash. Any number of pairings could cause proiblems.</p>

26

<p>Wow stickershock</p>

<p>I can almost guaruantee that the girl in question wants to hear that her being gay is no big deal to anyone, and this whole “fine with it thing” is a way of saying you aprrove of something that isn’t “normal” </p>

<p>Saying, you are fine with someone being gay implies there is something wrong with being gay and there isn’t</p>

<p>I live in a ciiy with all kinds of people, SF, and I know where of I speak</p>

<p>I asked my Ds about this today, and with their friends that came out, some of which had family problems, they just wanted to know that people didn’t really care one way or the other, not that people were “fine” with it, as if being gay was a choice</p>

<p>Her situation was she had parents or people that gave her a hard time, and by sharing a bit of who she is, she didn’t want a hard time at school</p>

<p>If you talk to some gay young people, being gay is not all of who they are, and people need to remember that</p>

<p>From a teen standpoint, hearing, okay, cool you are gay is just fine, it shows the gay student that the person they are talking to sees them as a whole person who happens to be gay, not a GAY person</p>

<p>We have to get past this notion of needing to say “i am fine with it”, do you say that to an African American or a Jewish person, or a Spanard?</p>

<p>Our vocabulary has to change, and our attitudes will follow- the person does not need our approval, our being “fine with it” for who she is, she needs it to be a non issue…she needs to be seen as a college student</p>

27

<p>Different opinion here. I wonder if asking if there is an LGBT group on campus would give the roommate the idea that she can find “her own” there and maybe not elsewhere such as in the dorm (and/or room.)</p>

<p>While I do agree that LGBT groups are tremendously supportive and do hope there is one on their campus, I go back to the analogy of the visually impaired person. If someone said they were blind in an IM, would one ask if there is a blind group on campus? An Asian group? A very tall person’s group?</p>

28

<p>Cross posted … I agree with Citygirlsmom.</p>

29

<p>I’m more with Stickershock. The girl shared very personal information regarding difficulty she’s had with her family/hometown. She deserves a response that goes a little deeper than a brush off. Otherwise it looks as if you’re ignoring anything she shared other than the “I’m gay” portion. She doesn’t just need confirmation that her roommate is OK with it; she’s (pretty obviously, in my opinion) looking for active comfort and reassurance that she hasn’t been able to get before. By saying nothing beyond “I don’t care that you’re gay,” it could come across as if you were making fun of the fact that this was a difficult step for her, as if she shouldn’t see this as a big step at all.</p>

<p>Responding to someone who’s coming out to you should be much more about the state, attitude, and comfort level of the come-outer than the come-outee. You may see nothing about being gay or straight, but for her this could be huge, so you need to respond in kind.</p>

30

<p>Good points Corranged. I, however, still think that she could infer that the roommate is suggesting sending her off to a club to be with her own. That could be a later suggestion if she is still struggling and is looking for a support group (or a way to meet more people) but I would not suggest it in an initial conversation.</p>

31

<p>My thought is to keep these pre-meeting IRL (in real life) emails light because they’re going to meet each other soon, and can give all the support warranted once they get to know each other. For now, maybe just reassure that the move-in will go just fine. Kids are very nervous right now, I think, so keep it breezy in these emails; give indications of open-minded friendliness, not depth. But maybe that’s because I have a boy and I notice these 3 boys are pretty minimalist in their approach.</p>

32

<p>I can see that, Twinmom, but being gay inherently includes a social network in a way that, say, being Asian doesn’t. (A lesbian by definition needs to be with other women who like women in order to date/etc., whereas an Asian person could go through life without ever needing to meet another Asian person.) Since that “community”–without getting into sociological definitions of community–is needed in one way or another, asking someone whether they’ve found that community is a reasonable question. Further, if I had a new Asian roommate who expressed concerns about how she would fit in as a Chinese person, fears about culture shock, and that she was worried about, I don’t know, her English skills, I wouldn’t hesitate to tell her that I’d be happy to help out in any way I can and then point her toward a Chinese student group that could provide more useful support. So there are two issues: 1) finding the LGBT “community” is necessary for gay students in a way that it’s not for other minorities or groups, and 2) anytime someone is expressing a particular trouble and there is a support group made up of people who have had similar problems and can relate, it makes sense to refer the person to the group that could be the most helpful, after offering some basic help yourself.</p>

<p>I think that it sounds as if the roommate made their communication inappropriately heavy/serious/dark/personal, but since she already did that, I think it’s best for her future roommate to try to respond in a way that recognizes what she shared, comforts and reassures her, and keeps the spirits up for future conversations.</p>

33

<p>Corranged: Your points are well taken. However, an initial conversation seems a bit early to problem-solve for someone you haven’t even met. Right now I’d assume that the roommate is looking for friends and acceptance, not dates. I’d think that she just wants to know that she’s accepted in the room, and can be safely out, thereby not having to hide who she is. I’m sure she’s hoping to be friends with her future roommate(s).</p>

<p>Basically, ZG knows nothing about this girl. As with all roommates, there’s a lot to learn; sexual orientation is just a very small piece of who one is.</p>

34

<p>I agree. I just also think that she’s looking for a response beyond “I don’t care that you’re gay.” Sexual orientation is a small part of who someone is but a large part of a gay person’s life, particularly for someone who has never been comfortably out before. In order to not give an in depth, personal answer to someone who is practically a stranger, it makes sense to give one or two comforting and reassuring lines and then suggest another place she could look in order to get the help and advice it seems she needs.</p>

35

<p>Yup. It’s never good to generalize. Some people may want to hear “I don’t care that you’re gay” and others may hope to hear “Fantastic!” and others may wish to hear a simple “Can’t wait to meet you. Who’s bringing the frig?”</p>

<p>There’s no way to know, as, gay or straight - everyone is different. We can’t really surmise what she’s looking for at this point, which is why I’d initially be inclined to say less rather than making suggestions.</p>

36

<p>ZG didn’t come home till very late from work last night, so she didn’t get to respond at all, but her inclination is to keep it light since they haven’t met. Just to clarify, the girl is a dormmate, two doors down, not the roommate.</p>

37

<p>I agree with other posters that mentioning the LGBT community is not a good idea. This girl, who is probably hypersensitive to hints of rejection, could take it as a signal that she should hang around with her “own kind” rather than with the dorm group.</p>

38

<p>

</p>

<p>I think “cool” can convey either of these sentiments, depending on how the word is delivered. Those variations in how we’re hearing the written word may be contributing to some of the differences of opinion here. </p>

<p>I agree with the advice to keep it light and listen but be open to more serious discussion if the dormmate wishes to talk about it further.</p>

39

<p>Shouldn’t people keep their sexual orientation to themselves? Is it necessary to tell anyone?</p>

40

<p>i have a similar situation to that of your daughter. i’m part of a relatively small major at my school and one of the other girls in the major facebooked me and started talking to me on AIM. we ended up talking about graduation and prom, at which point she mentioned “i’m taking my girlfriend to prom, i think its going to be a lot of fun” (or something along those lines). since she wasn’t making a big deal out of it, i didn’t either… and we carried on the conversation, i told her about my prom date, etc. the impression i got was that she wanted to let me know she was gay to avoid a potentially awkward coming out conversation later.</p>

<p>another time, i was rooming with four girls at a summer program. three of us got to be pretty good friends, and for a few weeks we talked about the boys on the trip (of course) and who we had crushes on and all that. after awhile, one of the roommates told the two of us she was close with that she was bisexual and had a girlfriend back home. our reactions were along the lines of what they would be had she said she had a boyfriend back home (how long have you guys been together, how did you meet, what’s she like, etc). she asked us, however, not to tell the 4th roommate because she didn’t feel comfortable telling her (the girl was from a conservative background and seemed to have very set views on morality). it worked out fine until the conservative girl overheard the other talking to her girlfriend on the phone. </p>

<p>so basically, what i’m saying is different people are looking for different types of reactions for different reasons. but trying to avoid awkwardness later seems to rank high on the list. a response that implies acceptance, but doesn’t scream it is the way to go when the people are not close and it is not a coming out for the first time. it’s an entirely different story if the person coming out is doing it for the first time and confiding in a close friend.</p>