<p>What is the appropriate response from one incoming freshman to another, when the other comes out online to everyone in the small group? ZG’s not sure what to say because her inclination is “oh, that’s nice.” Because she hasn’t met the girl yet and, frankly, is more interested in the girl’s preference for milk or dark chocolate than in her sexual orientation. So what is proper? For someone close, of course one would be supportive (unless it’s your husband, which is a whole 'nother story), but what if the contact is, thus far, very limited and the person (people) on the receiving end simply have no opinion either way? How does one avoid either sounding callous or phony?</p>
<p>Did the dormmate suggest it was a difficult process for her to come out? That she was struggling with her identity? that she expected to encounter trouble? Or was it just very matter of fact? In the latter case, there does not seem to be a need to make a big deal of it; an expression of “welcome, I’m looking forward to seeing you in person” should be fine. In the first case, expressing support and sympathy seems called for, along with expressions of welcome.</p>
<p>I’d probably respond, “Oh, that’s cool. I’m straight.”</p>
<p>Might depend on whether I was straight, gay, or questioning. Honesty and welcome is always good.</p>
<p>"Did the dormmate suggest it was a difficult process for her to come out? That she was struggling with her identity? that she expected to encounter trouble? "</p>
<p>Very much so, and ZG felt sad about that and showed me, but, again, they haven’t met and ZG is afraid of being presumptuous.</p>
<p>I would just consider as I would, I am 6 ft tall, I have blue eyes, whatever</p>
<p>So no real need to say anything at all. D can just ask what matters to her, food allergies, pizza preference, etc. Going on like it is no big deal is the normal response, like your Ds instincts tell her. </p>
<p>“cool” is probably about the right level of response</p>
<p>If there was some problems, with family or such when the doormmate came out and she is concerned, ZG can say, hey, sorry that happened, but hey, welcome to the dorm!!! Btw, I snore alot, so anyone got them nose thingies, JK!!! make a joke about yourself, to lighten the air a bit, while still acknowledging the coming out, without maknig it the central part of the discussions, that is not dismissing the concerns of the girl, but showing her by actions that it isn’t a big deal she is gay, not to her future dormmates anyway, and that everyone has some stuff they are bringing to the table- some silly, some serious, but that they are all starting fresh, and it should end up being a blast</p>
<p>I suspect that the girl who came out online is both 1) worrying that some of the others will condemn her and 2) secretly hoping that there’s at least one other lesbian in the group so that she won’t feel alone. It would be good for her to get responses from the other kids, and the more matter-of-fact the response, the better.</p>
<p>If an online friend had just revealed that she was Buddhist, I think your daughter’s response would probably be something like “Have you met anyone else at our college who’s Buddhist yet? Is there a Buddhist organization?”</p>
<p>So how about a response like “Have you met anyone else at our college who’s lesbian yet? Is there a GLBT organization?” This shows some vague interest, with no condemnation, and doesn’t express any potentially troublesome opinions.</p>
<p>At a lot of colleges (and even some high schools), being gay or lesbian is no big thing and not even particularly interesting.</p>
<p>In the “can you top this” category, my D told me that during her freshman year, the dorm Resident Advisor wrote all the girls midyear that she’d determined to be transgender and from now on would be presenting herself as a boy. If it bothered any female student to have a male RA the college had already lined up someone female to assign and she wouldn’t feel at all badly if anyone switched. It was moderately angst-filled, reading between the lines. My D wrote back a one-word email, “Congratulations!”</p>
<p>In your D’s situation, it sounds as though the rooomate could be an excellent one because she’s gone through a process, has been open with people she doesn’t yet know, so that takes some confidence to take a risk. Since it didn’t go well at home to come out, teh roomies can definitely provide a breath of fresh air by expressing light-hearted acceptance. It really isn’t a big deal or particularly interesting by itself. IT’s surely the biggest thing in the roomie’s life right now, but your D can be most supportive by setting out the broad range of typical roommate questions. That alone will feel welcoming, I’m guessing. I like the "is there a LGBT group? followed by some parallel interest group your D is curious about, might show awareness/acceptance without opinion/condescension. </p>
<p>She could also say, “You sound like you’ll be a great roommate and I look forward to meeting you!” I know that is a bit of a gush, but might be understood as a big acceptance after she just took what she understood as a risk.</p>
<p>Wait, if you change your sex to become man, then why would you be allowed to live on an all-women’s floor?</p>
<p>Maybe it was a co-ed floor. My son has lived on co-ed floors, and there were usually RAs of both genders.</p>
<p>Zoosermom:</p>
<p>I’d have ZG wait a while before asking her dormmate “Is your preference for milk or dark chocolate?” It might take on -uh - a whole new meaning. :)</p>
<p>“Wait, if you change your sex to become man, then why would you be allowed to live on an all-women’s floor?”</p>
<p>It gets more interesting at a women’s college (my d. tells me).</p>
<p>My work is in helping to plan alcohol/drug treatment and support services (including supportive housing.) We have very interesting cases where a biological man identifies as a woman, lives as a woman in the supportive housing setting, but shaves and gets dressed to work as a man in the community every morning. She is afraid to live in the male wing of the building for fear of violence; women who live in the female wing fear living with a man.</p>
<p>I lead an interesting life.</p>
<p>Something along the lines CGM suggested would be fine. “Sorry that you’ve had a rough time, but this is college, and you’ll make new friends. I hope to be in that number. I look forward to seeing you in September.” Something like that.</p>
<p>Your D, by the way, sounds like a very thoughtful young woman.</p>
<p>Zooser, your daughter sounds like a very compassionate and empathetic young woman. It is clear that the other girl has been through a very hard time, and that she is not in an accepting environment at the moment. She’s taken a major risk (in her view) by revealing this. I imagine that she is hovering over the computer, anxiously checking for responses. I think it’s important that your daughter respond as quickly as possible. I like marite’s and CGM’s suggestions. It doesn’t matter exactly what she says, it just matters that she let the other girl know that her sexual orientation is not going to be an issue.</p>
<p>"I imagine that she is hovering over the computer, anxiously checking for responses. "</p>
<p>She actually said that very thing. I’m going to tell ZG that it might be nice to ask if there is a LGBT group on campus.</p>
<p>Perhaps her intention was to “warn” roommates, so that if changes were to be desired, they could happen sooner rather than later, and she would not have to deal with it. They are challenging transitions, coming out, and going to college, and both experiences are bare introductions to the evolving lives they will have. LGBT suggestion is excellent, they are a very supportive resource at every university…and I do hope they will be attending a school which has such constituencies!</p>
<p>I would say something like, “I know it took courage to come out like you did. I am not a lesbian, but I accept gay and straight alike, and wish you the best at school. Looking forward to a great year, blah blah blah…”</p>
<p>I think “cool” is a terrible response! The girl is worried about reactions & has had no support from her family. Not cool at all. A simple show of support, something along the lines of, “It must have been tough to come out to your parents. But it’s a good idea to begin a new school setting being “out” from the start. I’m fine with it, and I suspect the vast majority of our campus will be, as well.”</p>
<p>StickerShock - My response was not meant to be flip, and it was prefaced by “I would probably say…” </p>
<p>It’s just that being gay, or having gay friends, or even having gay roommates, is really not a big deal to most people these days. (Especially young people.) </p>
<p>Not only that, but my impression from the OP was that this is not a close friend - in fact the whole conversation is hypothetical, is it not?, as she came out on line and OP’s D has never even met her. Hardly the forum for heavy duty counseling, as if that were appropriate.</p>
<p>"I would say something like, “I know it took courage to come out like you did. I am not a lesbian, but I accept gay and straight alike, and wish you the best at school. Looking forward to a great year, blah blah blah…”</p>
<p>Or it might be, “I know it took courage to come out like you did. I am not sure, but I might also be a lesbian, or bisexual (though my parents don’t know yet - they think I like guys 'cause I date 'em), or maybe not, but I accept gay and straight alike, and wish you the best at school. Looking forward to a great year, blah blah blah…”</p>