Dormmate Problems

I think my roommate is faking sensory issues but I want advice first. My roommate says she doesn’t want me to use body spray in the room because she said she is sensitive to the smell. Alright fine. But get this. She uses body spray while telling me not to use mine. So seeing this, I’ve been using my body spray again. Now she said she’s allergic specifically to my perfume. When I asked her what body spray I could buy that wouldn’t trigger her she said I was being disrespectful to her. What should I do about this?

Use her body spray.

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Yeah that would make sense since apparently mine is “strong” so maybe she should let me use hers! But that’s really unrealistic, so no.

Or you could just buy the same brand that your roommate uses.

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Don’t assume she’s faking; her brand may work for her, your brand may trigger. Why not respectfully ask her if you can use your own product in the bathroom (presumably down the hall and not part of your room set up), if you can try her brand to see if it works for you; or if she has a list of products which are safe for you to use in the room so you can choose the one you prefer?

Wouldn’t you want HER to accommodate a reasonable and respectful request you’d make of her? Give her the same courtesy.

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Read what I said again. I asked her what to buy that wouldn’t be triggering to her, assuming her body spray is okay for her. She said I was being disrespectful to her for asking. Of course I’m being reasonable but if she’s spraying after we made an agreement for no one to spray in the room then how can you assume I’m being unreasonable?

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And by the way, I tried doing it down the hall too, and claims she smells it from there. So now what are you going to say to that?

READ what I said. I asked her but she didn’t tell me anything.

Do you speak to her the way you have responded to posters here?

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I think the original request for no strong smells in the room is a valid one and you responded to the request. After that, it sounds as if a miscommunication happened. Very often I find that when we have negative feelings about something we engage in internal negative self-talk that is not communicated to the person we have an issue with and it results in an escalation of the problem. This might have happened to both you and your room mate. I suggest contacting your RA and coming up with a solution/contract that both you and your room mate agree upon and sign. Good luck. It’s very hard to cohabitate with someone when there is conflict in the air.

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Could you speak with your RA for ideas and/or maybe there are other issues and your roommate is using this one - agree it seems a bit passive aggressive when you asked her for the name of her perfume. Hopefully the RA or someone could help you mediate before it blows up to a bigger conflict.

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This sounds like a rude roommate to me. I am very smell sensitive and my hubby likes a lot of smelly things. We have had to negotiate both types of scents and strength, but we’ve made it work and found smells we both like and a strength I can live with.

So, while I understand your roommate’s issue, the fact that SHE is wearing something scented but doesn’t want you to wear anything (even the exact same thing) is selfish and rude. If there’s another issue (like you put on too much), she should address that, not insist you can’t wear anything scented while still wearing stuff herself. I would be frustrated, too, when confronted with such a double standard.

I agree with the advice to talk to an RA. Get a neutral party to help, and try to continue being a good listener and cooperative even though you probably feel like behaving different because you’ve already made a good-faith effort to compromise and she hasn’t. Good luck. Would love to hear how this ends.

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Was your “respectful” request to her delivered with the same “respect” you are demonstrating here?

Unless your next move is to move out in order to retain your god given right to use your own brand of body spray, seems to me like you need to keep an open mind about some possible compromises…

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I didn’t ask the name of the body spray. I asked for the ingredients of it so I can buy one that doesn’t have a “strong smell.” What everyone in the comments doesn’t understand is that I’m really trying to reason with her so we can both be happy. How can I improve if I’m willing to buy a whole different body spray and instead of saying, “Ok, here are the type of body sprays that are bad for me, here are the type that are good, so you could get this, she’s outright ignoring me. If I wasn’t reasoning with her I could understand people saying I’m not being flexible, but I think I’m doing the most I can do by trying to switch body spray. My biggest issue is that we agreed that no one in the room should spray but she is spraying still , and is still telling me not to use it. That’s what I’m trying to say.

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If you both agreed that nobody would spray in the room and if she is using her spray but won’t let you use any, this is a matter to bring up with your RA. It is their job to mediate your disagreement.

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I thought you were totally reasonable when you asked which ones would be okay. It sounded like a good compromise. She is the one not compromising and then being rude by ignoring you. I suspect there’s something else she’s not telling you, which is why I think you should get an RA to help. Maybe she will talk to a third party more openly.

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Yes. Like I was trying to say, when she first told me to not spray, I immediately stopped. I made sure to go to the bathroom and only spray two times. I felt horrible for spraying not knowing she had this issue. But then I started to see her using Yankee Candle room perfume (which is extremely strong) her body spray, and that made me super confused. This is why I started spraying again, because she said, how about we both not spray in the room, which I was fine with, but I didn’t like that she was continuing to spray, yet tell me to not spray at all.

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Thank you.

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Also agree that your roommate sounds unreasonable, rude and somewhat of a control freak. What is disrespectful about discussing body spray?

Definitely engage the help of your RA but if the roommate still refuses to compromise then it’s your room too and I’d just go with you can each spray in the room.

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