Downside of kids going to college far from home - Marriage

Parents Forum
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<p>emerald “We are a close knit small family, and she is a big part of it & I recognize that she is grown now, but especially for her sister, if not for her parents, I am trying to keep the connections going as much as we can.”</p>

<p>You have nothing to apologize for. There are wonderful benefits from having close relationships within a family! Desiring a close family doesn’t mean that parents aren’t recognizing that their child has grown up (altho some people may make such a claim). I think that people are healthier, happier, and live longer when they have a close, loving extended family that loves them and helps take care of each other (when needed).</p>

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I was going to write a similar comment and then thought if any general observations can be made there are probably at least two. For kids who are career focused and/or at elite schools with eclectic student populations drawn from diverse areas the comment above probably often rings true … the professional path is most likely to drive where the kids end up living … or even if they meet their spouse at their school this usually implies little about where their spouseis from or if they will settle there. For kids who go to a big State Flagship U the situation might be very different … the kids will overwhelmingly be local, will want to settle locally, and the job recruiting will be more local … it seems the odds that a big State U experience drawing a kid to move to that area seems higher.</p>

<p>All that said the late teens and early 20s is a great time to move a few times and experience some of the world … hopefully when my kids settle down they will re reasonably close to each other (and if that is not near my wife and I we may move to make it so).</p>

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<p>I wasn’t really apologizing but I was also trying to recognize that while some part of me is actually envious of my sister, whose oldest moved back with them after college graduation while she tries to save money for grad school, I also am coming to terms with that the time of most influence in our older daughters life is over, although I want to make an effort to support the connection, especially for the sake of the relationship between the sisters. ( I am not close to either my sister or brother-- mainly because their perspective is kinda my way or the highway- but I also no longer will just sit quietly and smile and nod while they go off on their rants- so it is easier just not to see them- However- the girls are much more similar in viewpoint and personality, and I have tried hard, not to compare them to each other- so I hope they can maintain some common ground as they move into adulthood)</p>

<p>I think relationships, even by blood, have to be nurtured, and as they both currently have a fairly good relationship, I would like to see it stay that way.</p>

<p>( And since younger D will be out of the house in a few years, it will be more difficult to get them physically together-then again- maybe she will move to Portland!* but it is probably more likely she moves to Perth*)</p>

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<p>Too funny EK! My brother is in Sydney. It’s a long swim back to the States!</p>

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<p>We think the sun rises and sets on our son, who is our only child. We have encouraged him to hightail it out of our midwestern state after he’s done with college. I actually worry about him meeting and falling in love with someone who will thwart our plans to get him out of here and and moved somewhere else that has a better climate both weather-wise and economic-wise.</p>

<p>I’d love to live near my son after he marries. We actually plan to relocate when we retire to a place that might insure frequent visits. Either way, I will know my grandkids and DIL. I refuse to be an absent grandparent. Somehow it’ll all work out. Due to his major we half envision him locating to Nashville or Las Vegas. Either one works for us. :D</p>

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<p>Haven’t read the whole thread but I agree with the OP’s original comment, that it’s selfish to encourage kids to stay close to home. While I love mine to death, I’ll take a leaf from my parent’s and in laws book–you go where your kids are when you want to be with them.</p>

<p>I want my kids to have wings, to have adventure. What’s the chance that’s going to happen in my back yard? This is a global era, those with exciting careers are likely to live several different places during their lives. </p>

<p>I’ll visit often and maybe retire near them but will never suggest they stay close to home.</p>

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<p>Our family found that unless a family member lives within an easy driving distance(say 2 hours), the distance is immaterial. My mom lived about 2-1/2 hours away while my inlaws lived across the country in NMexico. While we only were able to make the trip to NM once or twice a year it was usually for 2 weeks minimum or about 20 days total on average.</p>

<p>We did not spend any more time getting together with my mom even though she was thousands of miles closer.</p>

<p>My wife and I are seriously considering a permanent move to Ireland when I retire in a few years and are using this experience w/r to our son and his eventual future family. We would probably come to the US for a long holiday(3-4 weeks) to see our son, other family and friends. We would also buy plane tickets for him and his family to visit in Ireland once a year, probably coinciding with a holiday or other significant occasion.</p>

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<p>cruella: </p>

<p>Just curious - is your S planning on going into the entertainment industry (Nashville, Las Vegas)?</p>

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<p>I’d miss my kids terribly if they went far far away, but if there’s something worthwhile that lures them to a school out of our half-day-drive ‘comfort zone,’ I’d have to deal with it (sigh…).
The only time I ever lived off Long Island was during college in PA, where I met my husband (who, it turned out, lived less than 5 minutes away in our same district, but attended parochial school). Married young and have lived here ever since. Like George Bailey minus the charm. I love our home and town, but regret never having lived elsewhere. Long Island can be a great place, but the crowds, prices and traffic sure get to you. It would be great if the kids got the chance to experience life elsewhere. They could always come back if thats what they really wanted.</p>

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<p>Our immediate family are all in the state of California. Of my sibings most of us also married native Californians. We don’t see each other nearly enough. My inlaws live 45 minutes away and we are all so busy that we are always shocked how long it has been since we saw each other last. Though my spouse has lunch with his Dad every week. That is something really special especially as his parents age. My Mom when she was alive babysat my nieces while their parents worked. When I was growing up we had the opposite. My parents were both from large families but moved across the country to California. We grew up knowing we had family back East but because neither side could afford the plane fare we grew up not knowing our relatives including grandparents.
We live in a small city on the central coast of California. Though many young people have a desire to go away and live somewhere else there is much talk about dreaming one day of coming back here to raise a family. Most won’t have that dream come true since the cost of living here is so high and the job market somewhat limited. We have tried over the years to make some investments in rental property that hopefully might one day be a home for our children.
Given that we would support our children’s choices. I actively encourage them to at least leave for college and a few years beyond. I think it is a great world out there with much to see and I do feel like we live in an unreal world here.</p>

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<p>ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad, Yes I guess he is headed to the entertainment industry he has a double major, sound engineering and english with a technical writing minor. He wants to work in a recording studio in Nashville or actually to be the recording star. :smiley: There’s no telling with him, it’s possible. I asked him to do the technical writing minor just because it would pay the bills while he gets his foot in the door. He could also do the sound systems of Broadway shows or Vegas shows or movies. I guess he could write the movies too, he’s very creative. He’s already written, performed and recorded 2 albums of his own…he plays all the instruments and records one over the other and even sings with himself, all this on quite primative equipment, he reminds people of an early John Lennon. This is the preppiest kid you’ll ever see, so his choice of careers is interesting.</p>

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<p>H & I bleed Bruin blue & gold, but D1 is attending college in PA. We, too, are tired of the traffic and congestion of LA and plan to leave CA when we retire—hopefully sooner than later. We’ve already decided that home is where we are at the moment…so the kids are free to decide where they will settle. Heck, D has already visited her boyfriend’s family several times—and I have yet to meet them! :wink: Besides, it will be fun to visit different parts of the country.</p>

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<p>A friend’s S has earned a LOT of money (enough to put himself thru private U) playing instruments on albums for others (he also plays pretty much all instruments). He’s not quite sure what he wants to major in, but his mom is glad he still loves music (she auditioned for the MET in her day). She’s quite proud of him that he’s been able to earn everything thru playing music, tho as you say it’s not the easiest or surest way to make a living.</p>

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<p>Most of our immediate family is right here in the Atlanta area with the exception of our youngest child, our daughter, who is in college in NYC. We are a very close family and she loved being home for a few weeks this summer. However, she was almost beside herself with happiness when we took her back to school this fall. That makes the drive back home to GA. much, much easier. </p>

<p>And, yes, she is in a relationship with a young man who is NOT from “around here”…and she spends more time with his family than ours during the school year. Probably will spend Thanksgiving with them. And, as much as I miss her (and I miss her terribly!) I would not trade this for anything because she is ultimately where she needs to be.</p>

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<p>I agree that it is impossible to predict how things are going to work out. A child going cross country to college can end up with the “girl next door”. Career and grad school choices are not necessarily near the home. My husband’s uncle has 5 kids, and the least likely of the bunch to leave home lives the farthest away.<br>
It seems to me that kids who are going off to college are making personal commitments to a significant other much later than they used to, so it may be more the location of that first job that defines the locale of a couple rather than school.</p>

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<p>CMM: she is ultimately where she needs to be.</p>

<p>Exactly. Brava. The attitude any parent should have.</p>

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<p>nothing makes me sadder than to see a local kid do well at college, only to come home and settle in their home town. especially in my little, rural, area of the country. what better time than now to spread your wings? sure, i’m saddened that my son has chosen to attend a school across the country, but how sad would it be to think he was “scared” or “tied-down” into staying near home?</p>

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<p>I don’t think anyone has said that their kids were “scared” to leave their area.</p>

<p>I also am a big believer in “power of place” .
I would rather have a lower powered career, but be able to live someplace I really loved- than have to move every couple years, in order to move up the ladder and not having it matter where I lived because I didn’t have enough time or energy to enjoy or be involved in the community.</p>

<p>distance wasn’t a big criteria, but accessibility was. If a school was way out in the sticks away from an airport, it ranked lower than one that was easier to get to, and one that was urban or at least suburban ranked higher than rural. </p>

<p>Some students may decide to stay close to home, because of family health or aging issues, but I also wouldn’t label that as the students being “tied down”. I think that is a sign of maturity in many cases. They have their whole lives to travel, but if for instance they have a father who is late stage prostate cancer, and they want to be able to be there at the end, why shouldn’t they?</p>

<p>From my perspective- not just reading CC boards, but from knowing college students, there is still a perception that you have to go away to get a good education. Many students do great, and they really want to be across the country from their family or that just happens to be where the school they like lives, but some want to stay on the same coast or even in the same state, and have the opportunity to more fully explore their region from an adult perspective rather than as a child living with their parents. The first impulse seems to be to go far away- but also, many I have seen transfer back to this coast, sometimes even instate- and not always for financial reasons.</p>

<p>Im glad that even though my daughter took a year off in the middle of school, she stayed at her same college.Having her college less than 200 miles away, also made it much easier for to maintain contact with her friends and the school during her time off. </p>

<p>I realize that some people really want the stimulus of a completely new environment and enjoy moving every so often . My brother for instance in the service, loved moving every few years, but his wife hated it. </p>

<p>Now if I lived someplace where I really hated it, I might think moving was much more appealing, but living with the mountains, the ocean & the highest number of bookstores per capita, I really can’t imagine living anywhere else.
I am just guessing that my daughter feels the same way. She was first generation college, very blue collar background, lesbian with learning challenges, which she is handling beautifully, but if she wants to live and go to college in a familar environment, I certainly am not going to tell her she is holding herself back. :)</p>

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<p>pardon me if I implied that the op was scared…or that her child was scared. i live in an extremely rural area. the town is so small and everyone pretty much does indeed know everyone. i know of many, many young kids who are scared at leaving this comfort zone behind. and i know just as many parents who are scared for their kids to venture out into the world. my son is probably the only student from our small high school to attend an undergrad college more than 1,000 miles from home. i am almost positive about that. </p>

<p>i was not implying that your child or anyone else’s child here is “scared.” i teach at a small state university, and students tell me all the time that they chose this school because it was “close to home”</p>

<p>wonderful. i want my children to want to be close to home. but not now. right now i want them to feel free to go anywhere. at our little tiny high school graduation, the principal talked about the courage students need to go away. more importantly he talked about the courage parents need to let them go. if my point didn’t come across exactly as i intended, i apologize.</p>

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<p>Oh I understand that
We vacation every year in a town that is about 200, and while I love it, and it is beautiful, my husband wants to retire there, and I think I would go stark raving mad.( although no Starbucks is pretty refreshing :wink: )</p>

<p>I heard someone say once that the value of small towns, is that you know you need to leave them ;)- and I do think, if at all possible, kids should at least leave the immediate area for college. One of the advantages to going to a school where you aren’t going to be with your high school class, is that you can reinvent yourself.</p>

<p>Kids change so much even in high school, but their peers often don’t “let” them change, and going someplace where you don’t know anyone, even if the climate is similar, can be very freeing.
Some kids do need to be prodded a little bit, to accept change, but it has to start when they are young. I think it is hard for some kids who have been kept very close all their lives to even consider a different choice.</p>

<p>My daughter has been very fortunate, and has had opportunities like traveling to Costa Rica in high school ( her first plane trip), backpacking through the Canyonlands, and meeting Pres Clinton and Sen John McCain at a conference at the University of Chicago.
( In July- without air conditioning- so it pretty much canceled any idea about going to UChicago)
She worked summers all though high school at a residential camp, so during the school year, was really the only time we ever caught a glimpse of her- which possibly explains why she didn’t feel that she needed to go 5 states over for college.
( She did choose to stay there after graduation as well)</p>

<p>Contrast that with her cousin, who never stayed overnight anywhere without her parents, until she went across the country to college.
She spoke on the phone to her mother everyday-( I would be thrilled if I got to talk to my daughter once a week), and as soon as she graduated she moved back in with her parents.
I think just like with learning to make decisions, you can’t expect kids to have adult reasoning abilities at 18, if all their decisions have always been made for them, I also don’t think you can expect them to learn to be comfortable in new environments when they are 18 if they have never developed coping strategies to deal with and appreciate new things</p>

<p>And while I understand about adjusting for different personalities, I do think it is the parents job, to help their child develop skills to become fully independent.</p>