Downside of kids going to college far from home - Marriage

Parents Forum
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<p>I thought I’d start a thread on this subject since I haven’t seen it discussed much.</p>

<p>Although I would have supported my kids going anywhere to college, I’m very happy they both chose to attend reasonably close to home. Many people meet their mates during their college years. If they’re going to college far away from home there’s a good chance the mate is from a distant locale and they’d end up settling far away from home. From a selfish perspective, I’d rather have them settle close to me. There are no guarantees this will happen even though they’re attending college close to home but I think the odds improve significantly. From my selfish perspective, I’d like to see them (and possibly grandkids someday) reasonably frequently without one or the other traveling across the country.</p>

<p>Did any of you either breathe a sigh of relief when your kid chose a college close to home or have reservations due to the above if they chose a college far from home?</p>

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<p>Mmm, I feel the guilt kicking in.</p>

<p>I went 800 miles away to school, met my fiance (who is from the area), and will be staying here – definitely for the next 5 years and potentially forever. It has caused some friction with my parents, as they’re a little jealous that I spend more time with my future in-laws than I do with them.</p>

<p>Although my mom is happy for me and glad I chose a school that made me happy, she would have strongly preferred for me to go to the state school 15 minutes from home.</p>

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<p>Interesting - I’d never thought about that. My D is a reasonable distance away (4 hour drive, 3 hours on the train), but her suitemates hail from all over the country. So while the fact that she’s pretty close and can get home easily on Amtrak for vacations is certainly a plus, there’s no guarantee that she won’t meet a mate from across the country or from another country all together!</p>

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<p>Well, hubby and I met at the closest state u to our home area ~1 1/2 hrs-1 3/4 hrs. We now live 4+ hours from ‘home’ (almost 6 hours from ‘school’).</p>

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<p>And then there are parents who retire to other parts of the country entirely, and either foil any plans their kid might have had with respect to staying close, or give said kids the green light to pick up and make a geographic change themselves.</p>

<p>Interesting topic… but I think we’re already complacent with getting on airplanes to get to anywhere we want to be, pretty much, so that will mean no surprises if both our kids stay on the opposite coast from us (one is already there in college, and the other fully intends to follow to that coast next year).</p>

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<p>You are correct, mootmom. I didn’t factor in the ‘retirement home’ :wink:
We CCers should investigate house swapping.<br>
My baby is hoping to attend college on your coast; older sib is job hunting and little sib is suggesting ‘California, so we can be together!’</p>

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<p>hi ucsd/la-
I can’t answer the question, but I’m glad you posed it, we’re still struggling through that question…I do think you and I are in luck though, given the desirability factor of where we live, many kids will want to re-settle here after college, regardless of meeting someone from, say, west texas…(not to pick on west texas, just there were some funny posts about it lately where people wanted to get out of there when choosing colleges. Or in my case, upstate NY…again, not picking on it, some of my relatives love it there) …but not too many kids want to leave the so cal bubble, it seems!</p>

<p>in other words, if the kid wants out of the hometown for whatever reason, going to college out of state or meeting someone out of state won’t necessarily be the deciding factor if they move away from home after college…it more relates to how much they want to live in the home town and how important it is to them to stay around family.</p>

<p>no experience with this yet as a parent, but both my brother and I went to college out of state, and I ended up eventually settling in the college state (CA), and he ended up in a totally different state (GA) from both our home and his college state. poor grandparents! neither of us wanted to live in upstate NY, bottom-line…but he met his wife at his office in her home state (after law school) and they happily settled there. I bounced back and forth CA to NY a few times during and after college, but married someone I met at work back there, and then moved back out to CA…</p>

<p>or they could go to college here and meet someone from out of state and end up moving there anyhow…</p>

<p>i do worry about lack of networking ability if they go to college out of state, but then want to come home and work…</p>

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<p>There are other advantages to staying at least remotely nearby.</p>

<p>I’ve driven my daughter to school a number of times- she had too much stuff to get it there easily otherwise- and it would be nice to make this trip reasonable.</p>

<p>Marriage is not the only risk for long-term geographic separation. Job offers and graduate school admissions also tend to have a geographic correlation.</p>

<p>a friend of my daughter’s has had some medical issues to deal with recently, and it would be nice if she could continue treatment uninterrupted with her same doctors. This would be an argument for staying quite close at home, really.</p>

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<p>I figure the kids will have to chase me around the globe at least as much as I chase them. </p>

<p>Glad my older one is in Italy. Half way between South India and Washington State. :wink: (Wouldn’t mind if she married, and stayed there, provided she’s got a guest room…)</p>

<p>My parents told me that I could go to college anywhere within three hours of NYC (except for Cornell, 'cause they really didn’t know where it was.) I tell my kids they can travel and go to school anywhere within a three-day radius of Washington State by air.</p>

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<p>Our D is within a half days drive. She has a boyfriend but he lives halfway across the country. When I was growing up, my parents lived in 3 States. Since my younger D was born we have only lived in 2 States. My D who is 10 years older lived in 6 States. I wouldn’t count on my kids stayed put. Also I expect to move after retirement.</p>

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<p>My parents let all 3 of their children attend colleges oos, subsequently we all married and settled oos. My mother then voiced regrets about not having any of us closer to home. I kind of laughed and asked her what did she expect when we all went so far to be educated. However, 25 years later one sibling and his family have moved back to our home state, and my husband and I intend to retire and sit on a rock next to a lighthouse very close to my parents!</p>

<p>In this day and age I think that it is very difficult to predict where jobs and life will take anyone, so I say whatever happens, happens.</p>

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<p>And what about kids choosing careers that will pull them away? S1 is at a state u 2.5 hours away but plans to be in the military upon grad. and could end up in timbuktoo! </p>

<p>In-laws moved on us. For years they lived 3 hours away. 7 years ago they moved almost 8 hours away making visits few and far between. They thought moving to a resort area would mean we would all come to visit often but the drive is just too long. They are are in declining health and we really wish they had not chosen to go so far away.</p>

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<p>I grew up in Philadelphia, went to college in Massachusetts, lived in MA for twenty years–and moved to Seattle for love… but I’d already been married to him for ten years by then and we had two children. That was where his job took us. I don’t think you can assume anyone will stay put anymore.</p>

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<p>Then you have the third culture kid’s dilemma: I don’t even know what continent my parents will live on when I graduate from college, let alone country, and not even necessarily the same for both. Staying “close to home” isn’t really an option (where is home?). :p</p>

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<p>My brother stayed the closest to home (7 miles door-to-door from the childhood home to MIT) for college. He’s now been in Australia almost since college graduation over 13 years ago.</p>

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<p>My parents were in the foreign service, but DC was their home town as much as any place. (My mother is originally from Boston and Dad from Chicago.) I went off to Boston and met my husband who also happened to be from a foreign service family. Followed him to Caltech where we got married, then to Germany where we spent five years. Now we’re in NY. Meanwhile my parents moved three hours south of DC to Lexington VA and more recently north to NH. My first boyfriend, a Lousiana boy, has settled in Hong Kong. In our family it really isn’t an issue. Airplanes are our friends.</p>

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<p>I agree with camelia - ‘home’ is relative. I certainly don’t expect to be living out the rest of my life in my current home or state. And having moved throughout my life I wouldn’t be surprised if my children do too, for college and beyond.</p>

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<p>I think given a choice my kids and I all would end up here. OOS is OK for college if there is some compelling reason, but I think they will still want to come back after that. We have it too good here. However, with the cost of housing in our area, who knows how realistic it will be for us parents to stay here as retirees, or for them to get a start as homeowners here.</p>

<p>Although I did see a NY Times article listing the “best places to retire”, based on an AARP survey, and much to my dismay San Diego was on the list! along with Bellingham and Spokane, WA; Ashland, OR and 10-11 other places. Apparently affordability wasn’t given much weight…I believe the article was 9/6/06 if you want to find it.</p>

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<p>UCSD-Dad and Wecando, I, like you, live in San Diego. I encouraged my daughter to look out of state, and will do the same for my son. I think it is important for kids to see that there is a world beyond the state border.</p>

<p>My daughter is attending a school in Wisconsin. If she marries and stays in the midwest, she and her future spouse will be able to afford a VERY nice house there for less than $300,000. In San Diego, that wouldn’t even buy a condo. </p>

<p>Add in the fact that my daughter is looking at careers that will be relatively low paying (social work, teaching, graphic artist), and it’s clear that San Diego probably will rnot be economically viable for her without either a rich husband or some parental assistance. She might come back (and I’d be happy if so), but if it doesn’t, I’ll understand.</p>

<p>I feel the same way about my son, who may end up in a more high-paying career (although right now his dream job is college professor) but is unlikely to go into bio-tech or work for the Navy, both of which are the main career choices here. </p>

<p>Airfare is relatively inexpensive. If they don’t return home, we’ll visit. If they set up shop in a place we like, we may even - gasp - consider moving closer to them as we age. Bottomline is they have their lives to lead, and we have little say in the outcome. I sure wouldn’t want them moving back here just for me. </p>

<p>And, you never know. Life has a funny way of leading you in unexpected directions. I say this as someone who went to an in-state college three hours from home, then five years later moved 3,000+ miles away from home in order to marry a San Diegan native. I met him, by the way, an hour away from my parent’s home. :)</p>

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<p>Nope. Mine(5) managed to find themselves in all corners of the country. I do miss them greatly, and we talk daily but no, my need to have them close by never factored into their school choices.</p>

<p>Kat</p>