Drama and guilt...two of the worst things ever. How to cope?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am stuck. I need help. I’ve cried and cried over this so much, and I want advice. </p>

<p>Newspaper drama. </p>

<p>I posted a thread earlier this week about this situation, but now it has escalated to an entirely new level. </p>

<p>So here’s the deal: I am editor of our school paper. We have a website for our paper which I founded a while ago. We started with an web staff this year…who are let’s just say not, my most favorite people. However, I am pretty good most of the time working with people no matter who they are…I’ve developed a lot of respect through that. Well, so these two people were entirely in charge of the web. However, since this was initially my idea, I am typically the one to handle all criticism, etc. etc. But these two staff members were supposed to be working on this, but never really did due to other “commitments” which they should’ve told me about. Instead, all they did was complain to me and others “oh this project will never get done, no one visits it anyways” Well, so I took this claim to heart, the fact that we were a few days away from deadline, I intervened and tried to work with whatever minimal work the two members had accomplished (which btw was a disaster initially). I spent all of my weekend when i say all ( i legit mean ALL like all day long), didn’t study for two tests because of this so it could be finished. I messaged the two staff members about what I was doing…no response. </p>

<p>Well it turns out TWO DAYS before the deadline, they go and kiss up to the advisor and say bad things about me like that I have been taking over and changing everything while saying that THEY put in their time and effort into it and I just changed things because I wanted too …when in reality they failed to come to any of our production meetings or anything. </p>

<p>Now, my advisor is so mad at me for intervening because apparently the two had claimed that they were “so angry” that I finished “their” website for them that they wanted to leave the paper forever. My advisor went to the extent of saying that I don’t put my soul into anything I do anymore because I am so concerned about getting “things done”. I tried to explain that this was simply not the case, if it was I wouldn’t have spent hours over the weekend creating this project, in fact, I would’nt have introduced it in the first place.</p>

<p>I don’t mind criticism one bit. But when others comment on my lack dedication to something that I genuinely love, that’s where I draw the line. I was so upset. My advisor was basically telling me that I had other things on my agenda, that I’d rather do. This is not true. I felt like I needed to prove myself that this was true, so when I got home, I withdrew from a huge dance competition that I had been training for months for because I wanted to show myself that my newspaper was my priority. I kind of regret doing this, it was a rash decision, but it is what is i guess. I don’t things just “to do them”, I do it because I love them. </p>

<p>However, what bothers me is that if the web staff was so concerned then they should’ve come to the production meetings, they should’ve responded to my facebook messages, and e-mails alerting them that I was working on this…but no. Basically, I am painted as the bad guy here and everyone is so angry AT ME that I can’t even explain my perspective. I just get cut off. Now I am told to apologize to them, which I don’t mind at all. I realize being a leader makes you sacrifice things. But at this point, I feel like I am slicing my ego in half.</p>

<p>I feel guilty for apologizing and not apologizing. I am not sure what to do. I’ve cried so much over this, and I realize it probably seems so mininmal but it is really bothering me. I am not used to disappointing others. I hate this.</p>

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<p>“I don’t mind criticism one bit.”</p>

<p>Are you sure? Because when I read in the previous post, I get the idea that you DETEST criticism. I know that this may seem easy to say…but you need to detach yourself from this sort of drama and negativity and not let it eat you up. Only you can do this. Apologize and move on.</p>

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<p>I don’t mind criticism for my actual work at all…that’s what has helped me become a better writer. I am so not afraid to admit that. </p>

<p>What bothers ME is the criticism regarding my commitment. In my previous post I mentioned that I get criticized whether I do the work or not, and to me, that KIND of critcism I recieved was NOT constructive criticism regarding the quality of my work…it was more like:</p>

<p>“Oh, the website isn’t finished. Why didn’t you do it?”
or
“Oh, the website is finished. Why DID you do it? That was my job! You’re taking over!”</p>

<p>This is the kind of criticism I’ve been recieving, and yes, I DETEST this type of criticism. No doubt.</p>

<p>If it was constructive criticism, then I would be far more recieivng and it wouldn’t bug me nearly as much because they’d be evaluating my actual work, not WHETHER the work was done or not or who did it.</p>

<p>I hope that makes some sense.</p>

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<p>Just letting you know that I sympathize. When he was in high school, my older S went through something very similar with his school paper. He tried to be a team player, but it ended up that he was doing all of the work, and his advisor wasn’t supporting him at all. S ended up doing lots of work as a volunteer for a community weekly, even being their sports editor. They truly appreciated his efforts, and the staff that he attracted were mature and dedicated enough to work with him to get the job done.</p>

<p>You might want to see if you can put your energy to use at a community weekly or similar publication.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>Thanks Northstarmom, I am sorry your son had to go through this…it really sucks especially after putting in so much work.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, I am in a bind that I cannot leave. I am editor-in-chief so I can’t exactly “leave” my position, and I don’t exactly want too either i guess. Usually I am great sucking things up and just going with the flow, but this was kind of a bit too much.</p>

<p>Fortunately, I do also write for several community publications who are very supporting of my work so that is wonderful.</p>

<p>I just wish my staff at school, whom I interact with the most, would have that attitude as well.</p>

<p>Oh well, I guess we can’t always get what we want…</p>

6

<p>If you want to leave there is nothing stopping you from doing so.</p>

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<p>Hi hardworker, I sympathize too. I also know there are two sides to every story - do you think those two were lying or might they have legitimately seen the situation completely differently from you? </p>

<p>I think one of life’s hard lessons is… you can’t always rescue others. Sometimes you have to let them fail, and sometimes, unfortunately, that reflects badly on you. (It’s been a tough lesson for me to learn, anyway.)</p>

<p>One suggestion going forward, assuming you are backing off and letting those two be the webmasters: let them do it the way they want, even if they’re late or mess up or whatever. And whenever you have any kind of status meeting, make it clear (preferably by praising them) that they are in charge: “I understand Evan and Joe are working hard on the website, so if you have any questions or comments, it’s best to talk to them”. This approach has the added benefit of distancing yourself from their errors. </p>

<p>If anyone complains to you about the website, say “Thanks for your input. Evan and Joe are handling it, it’s best to contact them”. If the website goes horribly awry and people complain to you, refer them to the newspaper’s advisor and let him/her sort it out with the web staff. Or who knows, Evan and Joe might come through after all and produce something really good, even if it is late or different from what you had expected.</p>

<p>And btw, this kind of stuff happens all the time in the corporate world: people who are supposed to do their work DON’T necessarily and others may take the fall; other times there are just misunderstandings about delegating tasks and who was supposed to do what. (So in that respect, those group projects in high school are eerily like the real world!) Just try to do your best work on what you are in charge of, and acknowledge whenever possible the work that others should be doing so it is clear to everyone. (My former manager used to say, “there’s no such thing as over-communication”.)</p>

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<p>Thanks so much. I really appreciate that.</p>

<p>I will definitely take your advice. I did end up apologizing via phone to the girls and asking them out to lunch next weekend. I haven’t heard any response back…</p>

<p>Regardless, I do intend to touch base with them again personally on Monday.</p>

<p>Things might be a little rough, but I suppose it’s okay.</p>

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<p>One small addition: Make sure that notes or minutes are taken of your staff meetings, preferably by someone else (see comment about that at the end of this post). Make the assignments, statements, that are suggested by AutinHills. Make sure the advisor is copied on on the meeting notes.</p>

<p>When you send emails (do not text, do not IM) about the status when someone is already late, copy the advisor. And when you receive a response, if the advisor is not copied, respond to the staff and copy the advisor on the string of emails. If there is no response, send another email as a follow up and copy the advisor.</p>

<p>Either the staff will shape up or the advisor will see what is happening.</p>

<p>(Note about meeting notes: under most circumstance, he/she who writes up the minutes sets the context for the subsequent discussion. In this instance, however, you want the notes to come from an disinterested party.)</p>

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<p>Sorry you’re stuck in this situation. One positive is that this kind of stuff happens in the business world ALL THE TIME, so now you are prepared to deal with it. Mafool’s advice is excellent.</p>

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<p>Also, have all people attending meetings sign an attendance sheet.</p>

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<p>And the attendees should be noted in the meeting notes.</p>

<p>(this is excellent information to have at hand when you are out in the business/ organizational world.)</p>

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<p>You have been given terrific strategies. As you implement them it will be important to do so in a way that you do not appear to punishing the girls or trying to catch them at being less than honest. I would say something to the effect that you have a lot of responsibilities and you don’t want to swoop in and do something if it is being taken care of (or something to that effect). I would say that I need to keep track of what we are doing so I can relax. </p>

<p>Right now you are in a tough position and you will have to be extremely careful in your tone. Whatever you do - don’t complain about these other girls to anyone. </p>

<p>I don’t know you and I don’t know the other girls, but I have been in situations where people who shirk their responsibilities are adept at launching a preemptive strike and making someone else look bad. Last year, I counseled a young woman who was doing ALL (and I do mean ALL) of the work as editor of her newspaper and another editor was MIA. She didn’t criticize the young woman I was counseling, but she had uncanny knack of positioning herself for any honors that were awarded and had the Adviser pretty well fooled. It can happen.</p>

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<p>I understand that sometimes advisors don’t engage the way you would like them to, but one thing to work on is managing upward. Before stepping in and doing someone else’s work, let your advisor (manager in the business world) that you are concerned that something isn’t getting done. Ask the advisor’s advice on how to accomplish it (it never hurts to have a few suggestions of your own, but be open to it if they have other ideas). If you are communicating regularly and effectively with the advisor on the status of the work AND making it clear when you are needing to step in to support the staff more than expected, it is much harder for the staff to go around you and succeed in making you look bad.</p>

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<p>Document, document, document. In this fashion, you will hopefully have created a nice paper trail that can be followed. The excellent thing about computerized systems is that they provide the ability to easily store communication. Software also shows when documents have been created, edited, etc. As a manager, I’ve unfortunately had to resort to using such electronic “paper trails” to negate some fabrications my staff made as to assignments made, when they had worked on such tasks, etc.</p>

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<p>To be balanced, there’s a bit of the Little Red Hen here at work. I can totally relate to that impulse - I’m the type of person that would rather do something myself, instead of risking other people doing a poor job of something. But delegating and letting people do the job they signed up to do is a big part of being a manager (or editor). At the same time, employees/staff should do the work to the level that is expected and in the agreed timeframe. If you are an employer, you can fire or discipline employees who don’t do their jobs. As the head of a volunteer group, you don’t have that same ability.</p>

<p>Was the timeframe clearly spelled out and did everyone agree on it in advance?</p>

<p>Mafool’s advice and the advice of others regarding DOCUMENTING who promised to do what, and by when. And cc’ing the advisor as well.</p>