Drug intervention: moral obligation or none of my business?

[lealdragon]

<p>I just thought of a way to convey what I was trying to say in my previous post, in response to NSM:</p>

<p>Maybe it depends on whether you were…</p>

<p>a person whose youth revolved around college but happened to include a bit of drugs/partying</p>

<p>or…</p>

<p>a person whose youth revolved around drugs/partying and included a bit of college.</p>

<hr>

<p>Anyway, NSM, I think we really are splitting hairs here. Studies or not, there’s no way for anyone to conclusively say that they should or should not tell their kids about their past. I think it really depends on a lot of factors, including just how involved with drugs the parents were, just how open the family is (some are more touchy-feely-talk-about-feelings than others) and of course the kids’s temperament. Some kids ask more questions than others. Some are in social circles in which it might not be a big deal (though that could easily change when they get into college). My son first encountered pot when a neighborhood friend lit up…at age 12.</p>

<p>So, I was very glad that I had ALREADY talked with him about it. If I had waited til he asked, it might have been too late.</p>

<p>Likewise, there are many cases of teens who are squeaky clean in high school but then get overwhelmed by all the partying in college. I’ve always thought that information is a good thing. The more educated my kid is about something, the better equipped he will be to make a decision. I trust in his ability to utilize that info. And as a former partier I feel more qualified to give him that info than that kid down the street. I’ve experienced the BAD, whereas, chances are, that kid down the street has not yet gotten to that point so it’s all still ‘cool’ to him. Kids are not naive. They can usually tell that their parents are leaving stuff out. For example, that kid I mentioned whose dad still gets high - he would never admit it to her. But she knows. Same with the one who got busted with her mom’s stash.</p>

<p>I do agree with you that if drugs were not more than an occasional youthful indiscretion, then sure it might be better to just not mention it. The difference is that I was referring to those parents who were part of the ‘drug culture’ which is a very major thing.</p>

<p>I learned from your post about that study. I hadn’t really thought about the difference between the risk-takers and the cautious kids. Of course that makes sense. </p>

<p>We’ve probably gone way beyond what the OP needed. I was going into more depth in answer to berurah’s question about how and what I told my son. It probably does not apply in OP’s situation, but maybe it will be useful to someone else.</p>

[Westchestermom]

<p>I have read the research as well… and there’s a poignant article in the New York Times Sunday Magazine by a dad who admitted his brush with “ice” to his son… kid ended up an addict, under the thought that dad did it, so it can’t be that bad. </p>

<p>A drug counselor at our son’s high school told us she gets asked all the time if she ever tried pot. She answers, “I’m not going to tell you yes or no. If I say yes, you might wrongly think it would be okay for you, because I am doing well in my life. If I say no, you might dismiss what I say because you wrongly think I don’t know anything about this topic.” She would then turn the focus around to the kid asking them, “Why is it so important to you to know what my choice would be? What are your thoughts on these choices?”</p>

<p>When I speak to my kids, I try to emphasize the cool, fun things in life you can do that don’t involve recreational drugs. I try to sprinkle in cautionary anecdotes… not in a preachy way, but more in a reading-the-newspaper way… “Gosh, what a tragedy, this kid was driving drunk and is being charged with manslaughter after his passenger was killed in an accident- how awful for everyone involved”… and then get a conversation going… ask your kid his/her opinion of the event.</p>

<p>Another thing I point out, in terms of drinking, and I constantly remind my kids of this… We go to a New Year’s Eve party at a friend’s house- people (adults) are drinking, dancing and having fun. I point out- Are people having fun- YES. Are people drinking- YES (but moderately). Are people doing shots-NO. Chugging beers- NO. Vomiting and passing out- NO. Having the ambulance called- NO. I tell my kids that the drinking age is 21, and the law is the law… considering that there have been arrests in my town- of kids as well as parents- for underage drinking- I am not going to say anything else. My point of view is- it’s the law- we have to follow it- you will get to drink in a few years- and when you do, you need to do it smartly and responsibly- and if I tell you this, it’s because I love you so much and never want to see you in a hurtful situation. </p>

<p>I think each parent does their best in these discussions and it is very individual between the parent and the kid, so there’s no one way to handle the discussion. I am glad lealdragon’s conversation with her son worked well and she tailored it to their particular relationship and circumstances. There are however, many ways to approach these conversations and perhaps one nice thing about this thread is to share different approaches.</p>

[lealdragon]

<p>Thanks, West! And I agree with what you said. We each have to decide based on our own circumstances. I do not regret our decision. I know that it was the right decision in our case. But, after reading the other posts in this thread, I now realize that our approach might not be the best for everyone.</p>