Drug intervention: moral obligation or none of my business?

savethekid · December 19, 2006, 11:06am

I’m a regular cc’er posting anonymously on this one.

My D has a friend who is one year out of hs and not in college. He lives independently of his parents. He is using cocaine recreationally and regularly. H and I knowand love this boy and he is a great kid in all other aspects of his life.

I feel morally obligated to contact him about his drug use, but he may view it as none of my business. The risk here is severing the parent-ish relationship H and I have with the boy, but isn’t this where the rubber meets the road?

If anyone has advice or experience either from the parent or child perspective, please share. Thanks!

Northstarmom · December 19, 2006, 11:38am

Warmest wishes to you for caring about this young man.

If you know he’s using cocaine regularly, invite him out to lunch or something and express your concerns to him. Expect that he’ll deny his use and may also try to make you feel guilty about confronting him. Don’t back down from expressing your concerns, but do try to express your concerns while talking about the facts without putting him down.

Still, if you know that he’s using, the only thing that you can do to try to help him is to be honest with him about your concerns. If he’s like most users, your talking to him won’t turn him around. It usually takes at least 5 interventions – confrontations on their drug use – for drug users/alcoholics to begin to believe they have a problem. It is normal for them to become angry with people who express concerns about their use. Yes, you’ll risk that, but how would you feel if he were arrested or died of an OD and you had done nothing to try to confront him about his problem?

If you act like everythimg is OK, that will not help him, only continue to bolster his feelings that he’s fooling people in his life. Your relationship also will be a sham because you won’t be being honest with him about your concerns.

Also consider getting involved in a group like Al-Anon or Nar-anon, the suppot groups for people concerned about a loved one’s substance abuse. At least read their on-line sites, which have some excellent information.

I worked for years in the substance abuse field, so my advice comes from that perspective.

somemom · December 19, 2006, 12:30pm

I would say that even if nothing appears to happen immediately, it would still be a good thing to confront him, but know that he will be in denial and in many cases people need to hit their own wall before they can decide to stop the negative behaviour. Ask him what he would do if he were arrested? Would he then choose to give up the habit and try to do a drug diversion program to clear his record? If so, then why not stop now and avoid that hassle.

emeraldkity4 · December 19, 2006, 1:16pm

I have used cocaine- actually that was one of the reasons why I got out of the hair business in the late 70s. It seemed at the time, that the “hot” shops used recreational drugs for recreation, something that I didn’t find fun anymore.
But I really can’t imagine why someone would use it regularly- yuck
I think it is a very dangerous way to go, particulary if he is combining it with other drugs including- * especially* alcohol.

I don’t believe everyone who self medicates is trying to compensate for something like ADD, or depression, but I think that is worth investigating, he might listen more if you came at it from that perspective.
<a href=“http://www.fda.gov/fdac/features/1997/597_adhd.html#diagnostic[/url]”>http://www.fda.gov/fdac/features/1997/597_adhd.html#diagnostic</a>

But I agree, someone needs to confront him, even if physically it doesn’t harm him ( which it very well may, if it hasn’t already), it is obviously impacting his finances, and pretty soon his career.

He probably would view it as none of your business, but wouldn’t you confront a friend?I agree that you have a moral obligation to contact him.
Some people do better actually with more stressful situations like a confrontation- managed by a therapist. By doing better I mean, it seems to make more impact when several of their peers/friends are there- rather than one on one.
What does your daughter think would be most effective?

I also agree with checking out sources like Al-Anon. If one group isn’t helpful try another, they vary quite a bit.
Good luck to you and your friend

savethekid · December 19, 2006, 2:02pm

Thank you, all three of you, for your advice. I should have specified that this young man lives about 3000 miles away from us. (He is an ex-boyfriend of DD, not of his choosing, but due to the drug use. It is obvious he still loves her, and I suspect the feeling is mutual, but to her credit she won’t have anything to do with him while he is involved with drugs.)

So, because of the physical distance, my contact with him would be in the form of a letter. There are downsides to this, but one big plus is that I’d be able to say exactly what I mean without the emotions of an in-person conversation.

From that approach I need to identify a couple of major points while keeping the letter caring-based. Any advice on what to say is welcome!

I have lost a lot of sleep and shed many tears over the possible loss of this boy to drugs and wouldn’t forgive myself if I do nothing and he winds up an addict, in prison, or dead. I just need to find the inner strength to take this on and risk him shutting us out of his life.

emeraldkity4 · December 19, 2006, 2:23pm

He is an ex-boyfriend of DD, not of his choosing, but due to the drug use. It is obvious he still loves her, and I suspect the feeling is mutual, but to her credit she won’t have anything to do with him while he is involved with drugs.

Good for her-

a letter makes it more tricky- because the words will carry a lot of weight- and can’t be softened by hugs or glances
But you also can’t be interrupted, and he can take in, what he is ready for, always being able to come back to the letter later.
I don’t know what his family history is like- but having more difficulties with addictive behaviors can be genetic- and perhaps approaching it from the point of view that it is actually a sign of strength & maturity to realize that you need help with your addiction-
You might also include in your letter- phone numbers or addresses of resources in his area- even though he could look those up himself, taking an obstacle away, might make it easier.
even times of AA meetings- they aren’t just for alcoholics- and listening to someone else talk about their struggle might demystify it.

It says alot that not only your daughter recognized that it wasn’t her problem to fix and that you are still willing to be supportive of this young man.- He is very lucky to have both of you concerned about him.

Hanna · December 19, 2006, 2:50pm

“isn’t this where the rubber meets the road?”

Yes.

citygirlsmom · December 19, 2006, 4:21pm

hard thing is, you don’t KNOW for sure…if you don’t see him…plausible deniabiity…

This is when the "parentish’ stuff has to come in…if he IS on a relly bad path, if you say nothing, you will feel terrible…if he is just a “recreational” users, maybe you will give him some food for thought…either way, if you say nothing, I doubt he will suddeny just go “all done”

Is he working…cause some places do random drug tests and that can come back big time…for insurance, jobs, etc…

It can be a practible sort of letter:

Bob, um, word is going around you are doing coke quite a bit lately…are you okay? You know. my friend from college got busted (or was drug tested and lost his job) or (whatever fits)…I would hate to see that happen. You are like a son, and I would feel bad if I never said anything. So, if you want to talk about this or anything else, great…I just worry about you, as I would my own kid…

EliHopeful07 · December 19, 2006, 8:33pm

Don’t bother to confront him.
Lots of kids go through things like this. The best thing you can do is ensure that he has a support network and that if he ever feels like he is losing control, he has someone to turn to right away without shame, fear, or anything like that. Casually keep that channel of communication/support open with him (it’s not clear from your letter how close you are to him now)…perhaps encourage your daughter to stay in friendly contact with him so that she can hear about any problems he may be having (but perhaps if they broke up over the drugs, he would not trust her completely if he was having problems with them). Anyway, maintain or cultivate your trusted-adult position so that you can be there for him if he needs you. That’s all. Don’t confront him–you wouldn’t be telling him anything he didn’t already know.

lealdragon · December 19, 2006, 11:23pm

I did a lot of stuff back in the 70s. Now, many of my son’s friends do drugs (thankfully my son doesn’t - he is straightedge) and I always confront them, any chance I get.

The key is: HOW

Since I have experience, and I still like to rock to heavy metal music, they don’t take my advice the same way as they would from someone who’s never ‘been there.’ I speak from experience, and that makes a HUGE difference! And they can see that it is possible to still rock and be (sort of) cool (well, as cool as one can be when one is old! ha!) so they actually respect me for it and appreciate it, I think.

So, IF you happen to have any past experiences yourself, I would definitely be upfront about it. He’ll take it much more seriously that way. I very clearly remember as a teen rolling my eyes at parental drug lectures. I was so smug, because I knew they had no clue what they were talking about. But the drug generation of the 60s/70s is now the parental generation. Let’s use it to our advantage.

If you never did drugs, then in that case, since he is so far away, all you can do is offer encouragement. Tell him you know he is still a good person. Don’t let him think that you think he is scum. That’s s sore spot. When adults who’ve never had experience with drugs come across to druggies with disgust, it backfires. I made straight A’s and held down a full time job, then went to college, got a 4.0 GPA while still working, and did an assortment of stuff all the while. So high-achieving druggies have the illusion that they are all ‘together’ and yes they actually are in many ways. They get defensive if you talk down to them. Let him know he is accomplishing a lot, but that you are concerned because drugs DO eventually catch up with the person, no matter how ‘together’ they are right now.

Also, I just saw a doc on tv about meth/crystal/ice which is the new hybrid methamphetamine that is taking the country by storm. Are you sure he isn’t into that? He may say it is coke but coke is nothing compared to this s**t. The coke of the 70s was relatively benign in comparison. This new stuff is seriously nasty. They said it was addictive from the very first hit.

It is alot cheaper than pure coke. I would highly suspect that this may be what he is doing.

What I would suggest is that you go on the assumption that it really is coke, and express your concern because you’d heard about the new drugs so readily available. Maybe even do a search on meth and get educated, and send him the link via email. Making clear, of course, that even if it is ‘just’ coke, it can easily lead to the nastier stuff, because coke quits working after awhile. Yes, the more I think about it, the more I think it’s meth that he’s probably into. Especially since you say he’s been doing it for many months.

Lastly, and probably most importantly, send him a copy of this book as a gift:

Wonderland Avenue by Danny Sugerman

<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/0349101752/ref=cm_cr_dp_2_1/002-5970522-5421614?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort_by=-SubmissionDate&n=283155[/url]”>http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/customer-reviews/0349101752/ref=cm_cr_dp_2_1/002-5970522-5421614?ie=UTF8&customer-reviews.sort_by=-SubmissionDate&n=283155</a>

See my review. This book truly is life-changing. You might even consider forgoing the letter in favor of just getting him to agree to read the book. The book makes a better case than anything anyone else could say.

Whichever approach you use, DO speak up. He will thank you for it some day!

As for the previous post in which someone advised not saying anything, since this is ‘normal’ teenage behavior, I disagree. If it were just a bit of weed, sure. But this is serious stuff. I wish someone had intervened when I was 20. Getting clean all alone, with no support, is no easy task.

If it truly is ‘just’ coke, and it truly is ‘just’ recreational (as in, on the weekends) then he may not see it as a big deal. Lots of people do coke on the weekends and function just fine the rest of the time. Back in the 70s we thought of coke as really mild!

What we called ‘speed’ or ‘crank’ back then, but is now even stronger in the form of Meth, otoh, is something that DEMANDS daily use, and DEMANDS more and more and more…it is impossible to keep it in moderation.

I disagree that pot is necessarily a ‘gateway’ drug. I’ve known many people who still get high and they’re now in their 50s, and they never did anything else. (They just never grew up.) It just impairs their motivation. But lots of those people never have any desire for anything stronger. Coke, though, that’s different. Once someone gets into the chemicals, it is a different matter entirely. Coke is a chemical, make no mistake. If he doesn’t quit, it WILL lead to something stronger, like Meth.

berurah · December 20, 2006, 12:37am

lealdragon~

I have a question for you…

I think that it’s possible that you may be right in that those who are using drugs may listen more closely to those who have “been there,” but have you ever found that any of the young people you’ve talked to have felt more along the lines of, “Well, if YOU did it and YOU’RE O.K. now, why can’t I do it and be okay later also?”

I was a really straight teen and young adult…barely drank (and that was with it being legal at 18 where I lived) and used no illegal drugs ever, including pot. So far, knock on some serious wood, I’ve had no trouble with my kids (and I have four teenagers, though my oldest will turn 20 fairly soon). So for me, at least thus far, my “brainwashing” lol has been heeded.

May I ask what you tell the young people about your own experiences that you think is effective? I am really curious about this. Thanks!

~berurah

cheers · December 20, 2006, 1:01am

These floating kids…they do present issues, don’t they?

I figure if a kid is treating me like his parent then he needs parenting. I am not a ‘friend’ to any 18 to 22 year old peer of my son. Kids don’t need more friends. They need more parents.

I am a parent figure and I speak like one. I think habitual drug use–including pot-- is a criminal waste of an amazing life and I say so. Drug use doesn’t disgust me–it breaks my heart, crushes me with disappointment.

I can name off countless boomers who have gone through life as pot zombies. I can name a number of former hard users who have children with disabilities and significant chronic illnesses. When I was 12 I would have said that pot use isn’t a problem. I don’t say that as a 49 year old who has seen the damage caused by drugs and pot.

If a young adult already has a chronic drug problem–that is the most difficult problem of all. Words will not make a difference. Sometimes a residential treatment center will make a difference, sometimes not. Is he in a residential program? If he isn’t, can you help him get into one?

One little known fact about the Association of Independent Educational Consultants is that the very best ones have a working knowledge of the best residential drug treatment centers and therapuetic boarding schools and colleges.

lealdragon · December 20, 2006, 1:53am

berurah:

That’s a very good question. I know that this is the rationale that many parents of our generation utilize in justifying their decision to lie to their kids by claiming that they never did drugs. They are afraid that the kids will think ‘Mom did it, so I can too.’

I think it depends on what your attitude is towards it. As I said, I’ve known people in their 40s and 50s who still get high. One of my son’s friends, right now, just told us that her dad hangs out in the garage and watches porn and smokes pot all day.

That is DISGUSTING.

Of course, with parents like that, the kids will not get the proper message about how messed up drugs are. (Unless, of course, they are disgusted by it, which some are.)

Another of my son’s friends got busted for pot which she got from her mom’s stash.

And another of my good friends from the 70s is still a stoner, and she’s 51! Is it any wonder that both of her kids are druggies?

Yes, those cases exist, unfortunately.

But that’s not what I was referring to. When addressing cc parents and recommending that they come clean, that is ASSUMING THEY NO LONGER DO DRUGS!!!

It has been 25 years since I’ve had more than a glass of wine. So yeah, I can say what I want, because I have the clean record to back it up!

So this is what I tell them:

(paraphrased)

Hey, I know it feels good to get high. I used to get high every day, for 6 years. From 15 to 21. It was soooooo cool. Back in those days, we just chilled with a Pink Floyd record.

But ya know what? I have very little memory of those days. I went to something like 300 concerts. I had front row tix for Aerosmith, Blue Oyster Cult, AC/DC, Black Sabbath…but I remember almost none of it. It’s all a big blur.

6 years of my life…gone, essentially. Yeah, I know, pot seems pretty benign. And to this day I will defend it as being the lesser of the evils when compared with alcohol. At least it doesn’t cause as many car accidents or violent killings like alcohol does. It doesn’t make people violent; it just makes them STUPID.

We even had a t-shirt ‘Are you stoned or just stupid?’ Yeah, it was true.

So, you are so proud of yourself for getting high instead of getting drunk? Well, don’t kid yourself. Pot might not impair your driving quite as MUCH as booze, but it definitely DOES impair your driving. It’s like driving in slow motion. My kid knows not to ride with someone who’s high. They think they can drive. They’re wrong. Trust me, I was like that. We used to brag about being able to drive while stoned. I’m just lucky I didn’t cause any wrecks. I would feel really sh***y if I’d caused the death of someone because my reflexes were too slow.

It does feel cool to be stoned. I won’t lie to you. But it’s really NOT worth it. Especially now, when you are going to college…you need your brain to be sharp. Why on earth do you want to be S-L-O-W. Because that’s what pot does to you…it makes you SLOW.

I didn’t believe it at the time. But then, after I quit for a few months and then got high again, I noticed that I just wasn’t as sharp. I couldn’t tell when I was doing it every day, but once I stopped for awhile, I could see the contrast. I am a computer programmer so my mind needs to be sharp. When I was getting high every day, I was fogged up and didn’t even realize it til I quit.

It also impairs ambition, drive, aspiration. A-Motivational Syndrome, I think they call it. In other words, it makes you lazy. And SLOW. And STUPID.

It’s a toss-up, really. Alcohol is worse in many other ways, but overall they’re pretty much the same, imo. Both are stupid.

Anyway, but pot’s boring. Let’s move on to some more exiting topics. Like Acid. Speed. Mushrooms. Coke.

5 acid trips, and it’s a wonder I didn’t end up in a mental hospital. It’s like playing Russian Roulette. The first time, I thought I saw God. The 2nd time, I was in the pit of hell! Demons were unleashed. It was the most hideously awful, terrifying experience of my life! My body was crawling with demons and I was terrified of all my albums - my boyfriend kept putting on music and no matter what he played, demons came out of the music and they were VERY real. Afterward, I was nearly psychotic. It took me a year to get over it. Seriously f***ed me up!

Speed freak for a year. Totally couldn’t function without it. Lemme tell ya, your teeth grinding is a nasty feeling. Sure, I got a lot done the first couple of days…but after about 3-4 days, I was climbing the walls…couldn’t sleep…had to get wasted to go to sleep…and by day 5 was totally strung out. I didn’t think I’d get hooked. I justified it. I said ‘Oh, but it helps me work better.’ Yeah, but later I found out I made some seriously stupid programming errors while speeding. So it only gave the illusion of being productive.

Rushing on speed is fun at first, but after a few weeks or months it gets really scary. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. Your teeth are constantly grinding. You have to sneak off to the bathroom at work every 30 minutes to snort…ugh, it’s not fun. It’s like being hostage to a very demanding master.

And that’s nothing compared to what Danny went thru in ‘Wonderland Avenue.’

It got really scary when I realized I was becoming addicted…all I could think about was my next hit. I got irritable. (Why do you think they called it ‘crank’?) My boyfriend was an ogre when he was speeding. Coke was milder in comparison, but the high only lasted 20 minutes. Then we got REALLY cranky if we didn’t get another hit. We did it to have fun, but by the end of the night we were fighting and bickering and it really ruined the night. Coke definitely brings out the worst in people.

And all of that’s mild compared to todays’ Meth. It supposedly lasts for days. I just saw a documentary about it and it showed this girl who got down to 70 pounds. She almost died from her meth addiction. She was 16.

Drugs give you the illusion of being powerful, for awhile. But they take your power. In a very short time, you become their slave.

<hr>

I show them my disgust. That’s the key. NOT self-righteousness, which is a turn-off. DISGUST. Like, c’mon, I know what you’re about, and you are really an idiot if you think that sh** is cool.

<hr>

Look at it this way: It’s sort of as if Cheech and Chong walkd up to them and told them that they were now clean and wow, did they ever regret their drug days. What was once now cool is no longer cool.

<hr>

In answer to your question, NO, to my knowledge, no teen has EVER misinterpreted my words as a justification for doing drugs. I made sure of that. I had nothing positive to say about it. They got the message loud and clear that doing drugs is seriously stupid, and I think they appreciated my honesty.

They don’t instantaneously and miraculously quit, but I do think I’ve made an impression on them. One guy, an 18-yo who’d already been in rehab for heroin, read Wonderland Avenue (which I gave him) and told me it helped him stay clean. So yeah, I feel that some of the seeds I planted might have done a bit of good.

<hr>

cheers: ‘Parents’ are not very effective at keeping kids off drugs. Kids think parents don’t know s*** about drugs, especially if the holier-than-thou self-righteous parents never did drugs. At least that’s the way my friends and I felt back in the 70s. If you never did drugs and you kids didn’t either, then that is commendable. But there are LOTS of parents just like you who don’t have a clue about what their kids are doing. In that respect, I contend that open communication with one’s kids (being a ‘friend’ to them) is a LOT more effective.

lealdragon · December 20, 2006, 12:34pm

I think the point is to convey the thought that I understand its appeal, but it is STILL not worth it. Someone who has never done any drugs does not understand, quite simply. So the druggie has an easy way out - an easy way to disregard the advice: “She means well, but obviously she’s never been high, so she’ll never understand.” Whereas, coming from an ex-druggie: “Hmmmm…she did a lot of drugs, so she KNOWS.”

People who’ve never done drugs tend to come across like “You’re an idiot for smoking pot” while they drink their booze. It comes across hypocritical. Back in the 70s we used to ridicule people who criticized our dope habits while they drank and smoke cigarettes. We had nothing but disdain for them. In fact, we thought we were soooo smart for choosing something that didn’t pollute our lungs (at least there’s never been a connection to lung cancer, last I heard) and didn’t impair our driving (we were wrong about that; pot most definitely DOES impair driving).

A ‘friend’ just connects, but does not lecture ie: “You do it, I do it too, we’re both cool.”

A ‘parent’ (authoritative figure) just lectures but does not connect: “I am the authority. I have never experienced what you are doing. I have only book knowledge. But, you need to trust me because I know better than you do.”

Whom do you think the kid will listen to?

Neither is very effective.

Ah, but there is a 3rd option: an understanding adult who’s been there…

An adult ‘friend’ (for lack of a better term) sounds sort of like this: “I understand. I really do it. I see the appeal. I’ve been there. And I’m here today to tell you that it was a MISTAKE. It almost f***ed up my life. I almost died. In fact, I know people who DID die. Lots of them. Don’t be stupid like I was. Get out now. Get some help. Quit. It’s not cool to be addicted. It’s stupid and it’s sick. If you think you aren’t addicted yet, then get out now before you get addicted. I thought I could quit at any time. Everyone thinks that. Everyone is wrong. Don’t be so arrogant as to think that you will be the first person on the planet to have complete control over your drug habits. We all thought that, and we were ALL wrong.”

See the difference? It’s a hybrid of ‘friend’ and ‘authority.’ I am NOT saying to just be a ‘friend.’ No, the kid already has enough friends, most of them naive and many of them giving bad advice. So, no, don’t just be an adult pretending to still be a kid. That NEVER works; it’s too ridiculous. They won’t take you seriously at all.

Otoh, being an authority who just dispenses rules but has no clue what it’s like…you think the kids are going to listen to that? No way.

Just to clarify: I am NOT saying to ‘just’ be a friend to your kid and not an authority. Of course, if it’s your own kid, then you can discipline the kid in whichever way you think is best. If the kid already has a drug problem, then obviously putting the kid in rehab might be the thing to do. The kid with the heroin addiction got plunked down in rehab. There was no negotiation; the parents made the decision and they followed thru. They were authoritative. I completely agree with that, when it’s your OWN kid! Of course you have every right to be the authority!

But OP’s question had to do with someone else’s kid. In fact, he’s no longer a kid but an adult. So there is no way OP can be an authority in this case. It’s not a debate between ‘friend or authority’ because the adult has no sayso in this person’s life. So her only hope to be helpful is to present her concern in such a way that the kid will be receptive to listening.

In order to be effective, the key is to have some sort of connecting point…in a ‘friend’ sort of way, THEN you pull out your authoritative tone. It’s a hybrid.

Does it work? Well, to be honest, I can’t really say that there are x number of teens who were dopers and now they all magically quit because of me. If only it were that simple! Truth is, I don’t know yet if my approach will do any good in the long run. I know it worked with my son, and since he is my responsibility, that’s what matters most to me. If I can manage to plant some seeds of thought in the minds of some of his friends, then that’s gravy. I do know that this approach has made an impression on them, and some of them confide in me. Whether that results in a complete changing of their ways remains to be seen.

But, I HAVE TO TRY.

Northstarmom · December 20, 2006, 12:56pm

"I think the point is to convey the thought that I understand its appeal, but it is STILL not worth it. Someone who has never done any drugs does not understand, quite simply. So the druggie has an easy way out - an easy way to disregard the advice: “She means well, but obviously she’s never been high, so she’ll never understand.” Whereas, coming from an ex-druggie: “Hmmmm…she did a lot of drugs, so she KNOWS.”

There actually has been research about whether it deters youths from using drugs if they hear from ex druggies. What the research found is that it deters youths who are most thoughtful and cautious, but it doesn’t discourage youths who tend to be risk takers. The latter category of youths tends to think that they are smarter than the ex druggie, so they will know to quit before they get into trouble. They also are attracted by the fact that drugs must have felt good or the ex druggie wouldn’t have bothered to use.

There also has been research that indicates that parents who share their past drug use with their kids are more likely to have kids who use than are parents who don’t. That’s because lots of what the parents share ends up making drug use sound pleasureable and exciting to the kids. They kids also figure that their parents did it and survived, so the kids can, too. And if the parents’ drug use resulted in problems, the kids just assume that they are smarter than their parents were, so will avoid those problems.

It is possible for an adult to talk against drugs without having used themselves if they talk in a way that doesn’t make people sound like idiots for using and that doesn’t make themselves sound disgustingly superior for not using drugs. They also can talk about alternative activities that are fun, but don’t carry the risks that drug using carries.

lealdragon · December 20, 2006, 1:20pm

That’s interesting. I didn’t know about that research. Good thing I didn’t know about it 5 years ago, because then I might have made a different decision. I might have decided to lie to my son about my past, because the research suggested that would be the best approach.

I don’t think anyone can say conclusively which approach is best for everyone. I think it depends a lot on the type of relationship you have with your kid. In our house, we’re a bit like the Fokkers (or so my son says, half-jokingly) and we value honesty above all else. It just would not have worked to lie to our son. He would have lost respect for us once he found out that we did in fact use drugs. That would have been devastating to him and might even have triggered a rebound.

But that’s us. We are very open people when it comes to expressing opinions and emotions, so being open about our past was in alignment with how we approach everything else.

It worked for us. Our son has his own opinions, and some of them are quite different from our own. In the area of drugs, he feels superior to us because he didn’t make the mistakes we made. In fact, he turns his nose up at us when I have a glass of wine or my hubby has a beer.

Our approach clearly is not the best approach for everyone, according to the research you cited. I would want to know more about the research, though - who were the ex-druggies that talked to the kids? Were they loved ones, or just some stranger? There might be other factors at work here. I suspect those kids in the study who were more likely to use drugs, despite hearing about their pitfalls from ex-druggies, would have used the drugs anyway. As you said, it was the ‘risk-takers’ who were more likely to do drugs after hearing from ex-druggies. Well, they are the ones more likely to do drugs anyway! It is true that my son falls into the ‘thoughtful and cautious’ category.

As for it being possible for parents who never did drugs to not talk in a condescending tone, of course I agree with that. I am certainly not suggesting that a parent fabricate a drug past! The past is the past, and each of us has to deal with it the best we can.

Likewise, it is entirely possible for ex-druggies to NOT speak of drugs as being exciting. A bit of that element will probably sneak in anyway, but to me that’s just being honest. To say that driving fast is not exciting is simply not true, and the kid is smart enough to know that. You have to consciously make a point to balance that out with plenty of discourse about how the bad effects outweigh the good. (“Sure, it’s a thrill to drive fast. But then you die, and maybe take innocent people with you. Not worth it.”)

Well, I only offered my story in the hopes that it might be useful to others. As I said, it remains to be seen if my approach does any good with any of the other teens. I am just grateful that it worked for my own son. Each parent has to make the best decision based on their overall approach to parenting. Lying just didn’t work for us. We value open communication.

You have to know your child. My son despises hypocrisy. For us to have covered it up would have caused far more damage; of that I am certain. He values honesty. And, thankfully, he is level-headed and thinks things thru. So I know that we made the right decision in our case. Each parent has to consider what their kid is like when deciding how to handle something like this.

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“They kids also figure that their parents did it and survived, so the kids can, too”

That’s easy. Just show them the long list of stories of people who DIDN"T survive. Have them read Wonderland Ave. And plenty more names have been added to the list since that book was published. And that’s just the famous ones. Show the gritty, nasty details. Make it UNappealing. That book is effective because it starts out showing the appeal and the excitement, but then gets into the really nasty details, enough to turn one’s stomach. Details like being cooped up in a room for days on end, shooting up, and blood and vomit all over the place, and being violently ill, and existing only for the next fix…it’s pretty graphic. Show them the documentary about the methheads who lose all their teeth by the time they’re 25, and get down to 70 pounds, and constantly feel like there are bugs crawling in their skin. This after just a few months of meth use.

I suspect the parents who made their stories sound ‘exciting’ didn’t do the hard stuff, so they have nothing bad to say about it. If they’d done the hard stuff there would be plenty bad to say about it.

emeraldkity4 · December 20, 2006, 2:06pm

There also has been research that indicates that parents who share their past drug use with their kids are more likely to have kids who use than are parents who don’t. That’s because lots of what the parents share ends up making drug use sound pleasureable and exciting to the kids. They kids also figure that their parents did it and survived, so the kids can, too. And if the parents’ drug use resulted in problems, the kids just assume that they are smarter than their parents were, so will avoid those problems.
Yes I don’t think * Reefer Madness* scared anyone away-

Recent research has not only identified marijuana has much more harmful than previously suspected, especially when used by adolescents.
<a href=“http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,20921062-23289,00.html[/url]”>http://www.theaustralian.news.com.au/story/0,20867,20921062-23289,00.html</a>

( and yes I did wonder about my casual drug use (before marriage) affecting my kids- but my parents also had similar problems- with learning issues as do I and my sibs- & my dad even rarely drank a beer let alone used any drugs ( same with mother)

Even though my husbands family has difficulties with addiction ( alcohol) and that was one reason why D opted for a sub free dorm freshman year, because she knew she was at risk, my concern about drugs/alcohol, isn’t the toll it takes on your body and your life over time.
Unfortunately, most of my experience was with friends who died accidentally, because of careless decisions made while under the influence.
They never had the chance to “get cleaned up” because they died before they were 22. Ironically, compared to behavior of some young adults that age 25 years later, we were pretty tame. A few drinking parties, but no contests, but some bad decisions like drinking and driving or drinking and swimming.

Personally, I don’t believe in being “cool”( if youre concious of it- youre not ), although I do enjoy seeing my 24yr old and her friends, and recognize they are adults ( well Im working on it), I also really try to be concious of role modeling, as I do with my 16 yr old. Although my husband doesn’t drink, I do, lightly and I use it in cooking etc. However, as I am very concious of modeling behavior, I don’t drink as much as I might if I wasn’t a parent.
Lots of restaurant dinners I only drink water, mainly just because I don’t want the kids to think that every time I go out to dinner I have to have a glass of wine. I dont want them to think that drinking is a way to relax or necessary to have fun.

I think that my oldest uses alcohol moderately, I was aware that her college had a rep as open to drug use, and that was a concern, but its my impression that they talk about it more, and don’t do it, any more than any other place filled with 20 year olds. She hasn’t been interested in taking drugs, she really doesn’t like not being in control- and drug use takes that away from you.

Im really aware that my 16 year old is more of a risk taker- but they are always what she sees as controlled risks- physical generally- surfing, rockclimbing,snowboarding and I am always on the lookout for changes in behavior.
In late middle school, she and her best friends, had a friend that they were worried about, because she was using drugs and talking about it. They contacted a drug/alcohol counselor and hosted an intervention for her.

It made a big impact on my daughter and her friends & I was very proud of them for finding an adult that could help them, as well as taking the risk that their friend would turn away from them.

This of course seems a long time ago, kids who seem so “good” as 14 year olds, may be completely messed up as 17 year olds.
I think that they need more mentors however, not “friends”, and even though they may be 20, drug use seems to interfere with judgement and development so much, that they are emotionally much younger.

I think you need to do with what you are comfortable with, and not make yourself over into something that you are not.
When my daughter was in college for instance, she complained once that families who had allowed their teens to have wine at the dinner table, didn’t see the glamour in alcohol that others who were denied it did.
I just told her I was sorry, but with our family background, I was walking on the edge of comfort just having it in the house, let alone having anyone underage drink.

lealdragon · December 20, 2006, 2:13pm

“she really doesn’t like not being in control- and drug use takes that away from you.”

That’s exactly the reason my son gave for not doing drugs or drink. He said at parties he is the only one ‘in control of his faculties.’

So it might not even have anything to do with how we raised him. I might not get any credit at all. It might just be his disposition. If I had a risk-taker type kid, with the same parenting style, the kid might have made different choices.

We have to take the kid’s disposition into account, and the overall values we are trying to instill in them. I still contend that it would be hard to instill values of honesty and communication while lying about something as big as a drug past.

“I think you need to do with what you are comfortable with, and not make yourself over into something that you are not.”

I agree! Sounds like you are doing a great job of finding that balance.

Northstarmom · December 20, 2006, 4:58pm

“I don’t think anyone can say conclusively which approach is best for everyone. I think it depends a lot on the type of relationship you have with your kid. In our house, we’re a bit like the Fokkers (or so my son says, half-jokingly) and we value honesty above all else. It just would not have worked to lie to our son. He would have lost respect for us once he found out that we did in fact use drugs. That would have been devastating to him and might even have triggered a rebound.”

I have never suggested lying to one’s kids. My kids have never asked H or me whether we used drugs. We have a very open, honest relationship with our kids, and they have asked lots of questions, which we have answered honestly. This includes questions about sex. They never asked about drugs possibly because we don’t have drug users as our friends, and we have been very clear that we don’t support drug use.

I don’t think that parents who have used drugs should volunteer this information, somehow thinking that this will deter their kids from using. If asked, they shouldn’t lie, but there’s a big difference between answering a question briefly without elaboration, and volunteering info, particularly if the info involves describing lots of partying while high or drunk. From what I’ve read, when some parents talk about their drug/alcohol use, they make it sound like a lot of fun, and that’s the kind of thing that can encourage kids to use.

When I think about college and talk about those days, my best times didn’t involve going to parties, but involved much of the social action things that I got introduced to in college. Consequently, when I talk about my good old days, those good old days are about things like protesting or late night bull sesssions about social action issues. Those are the things that I miss about college, and those are what I have always hoped that my sons would experience.

lealdragon · December 20, 2006, 5:52pm

Well, our son DID ask, so we answered.

NSM, I don’t disagree with you. But, not all parents had fun college experiences. Some parents never went to college at all. Some parents’ youth revolved around being a big part of the rock/concerts/music/drug scene. That’s just the reality. There’s simply not much we can share with our kids at all about our past without that context. It would be like you pretending you never went to college AT ALL.

Just as your college experience seems to have been the highlight of your youth, for others it was the music scene, which included the drug scene.

It’s difficult to shrug off something that was such a major part of one’s life.

So, I think both approaches are valid; just different because our circumstances were different.

And, just to be clear, we do NOT socialize with druggie adults. I gave the example of a couple of my old friends now in their 50s who are still potheads, but those people I barely keep in contact with. In fact that is a major reason why I DON’T still socialize with them - I didn’t want their lifestyle around my son.

I hope that my son has college experiences similar to yours - of social action and intellectual discussions, as opposed to partying. You and I have the same goals, I think - to dissuade our kids from partying - but there is not a single right way to accomplish that.

Drug intervention: moral obligation or none of my business?

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