<p>I am wondering how to respond to DS’ latest preoccupation. He is questioning all expenditures beyond bare necessities, and saying that money should be given to charity. For example, you can spend $45 on going out to dinner or use it to pay for a water filter for an African family. I was afraid that he would question the money we spend on his private music lessons, and I was right. He feels guilty about the music lessons. Music has always been a major part of his life, and he is very accomplished on two instruments. He practices a lot, and he loves playing in two bands at school, and he loves playing the piano. He’s been asked to play the piano with the school orchestra next year, and he is already working on the piece. He did a recital yesterday and he was very excited afterward, because he enjoyed the piano so much (a grand piano, not Steinway, I’m not sure what kind, but it was open and he loved the sound). Now, today, he’s saying that music is not essential and maybe he should give it up. I’ve told him that he would be able to make decisions about money he earns as an adult, but not about money that his father and I earn. </p>
<p>I’ve talked to him a lot about how to make an impact in the world, working for a nonprofit, becoming an engineer or plant scientist or doctor, earning a lot of money and giving much of it away. I’ve said that he needs to focus on education and preparation for an adult life, and that in the next few years he would be thinking about what kind of adult life he would like and working toward that. </p>
<p>I am worried because he is quite capable of deciding that he can’t live with himself if excessive (in his view) money is spent on him, and giving up music and deciding not to go to college. He became concerned about animal rights years ago and he has not touched meat since then. He’s very disciplined and determined.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if this will be helpful or not, but you might want to read up on “white savior” or “western savior” complex and how it can actually be extremely detrimental to developing countries. </p>
<p>For example, one story that really stuck with me was how we think we’re doing a lot of good by sending unwanted clothes to Africa but what we’re really doing is killing the local economy by putting tailors and retailers out of work. Volunteers that go over are doing work for free that others in the community can be paid to do. Etc, etc. I’m not saying it’s always bad, but I am saying that there are unintended consequences that are difficult to see if you’re not looking at a larger, more long-term picture. </p>
<p>Instead, a way to help is by going to college. Work up a position in power where you can collaborate with those from developing countries in order to build up their own infrastructures and empower their own people. Giving money and whatnot only helps put a bandaid over the situation and can make it much, much worse in the long run. </p>
<p>There is a very small consulting company that I worked with a few months ago whose mission was to take small public health projects that had proven successful in African countries and help them scale-up those projects. They’re making a huge difference but are going where asked rather than assuming they know what’s best for the community.</p>
<p>Perhaps turn focus to the good that comes from spending money locally and the power he has to influence his community with how and where he chooses to spend? The music teacher needs employment. The waitress or restaurant owner needs to earn a living. Maybe let him identify waste or “frivolous expenditures” to cut - for example if he needs new shoes buy a cheaper pair of shoes and donate the "extra. Encourage him to consider spending money at locally owned places rather than big corporations. </p>
<p>Romani and VSGPeanut, those are very helpful suggestions. I have mentioned the possibility of training for a policy position in our government, dealing with foreign aid. I will look for stories on the internet about the problems that can be caused by well-intentioned but misguided charity. And I’ll mention the effects of spending money in our community. </p>
<p>I have told him about the KIND project as an example of an effective charity started by someone who became prominent in the for-profit arena and then used his influence to do some good in Malawi. Lawrence McDonnell has a television news/opinion show and he has used his large audience to raise a tremendous amount of money for desks for schoolchildren. Importantly, the desks are built locally, giving employment to local carpenters. He liked this idea, as he understands the importance of education in developing countries. </p>
<p>People here and elsewhere keep repeating the mantra of “find your passion” or “show passion” or something like that. Getting into colleges, or having a successful life is not about GPA/SATs or which school, or which job you get…etc and so on.</p>
<p>Your DS seems to have found something that he is passionate about! Bravo!!
That is nothing to be afraid of.
It isn’t as if he decided his passion was working on Wall Street and harming the middle class.
He is questioning spending besides bare necessities and trying to help others. Be proud! </p>
<p>Have him explore how he can spend a couple years in Africa to improve the water situation. Work on creating a more cost effective water filter.<br>
Think outside of the box.</p>
<p>Yes, local is another good point. In America, 1 in 5 children will go hungry at some point during the year. Is it as big of an issue as in other places? No, but a suffering child is a suffering child regardless of where they were born. </p>
<p>I hear from the OP that you’re afraid he will prematurely quit his music because he thinks spending the money is wasteful. Ask him, what kind of world would this be without music and the arts? If he has an interest and talent, he really is blessed with a gift, and it would be “wasteful” not to continue. The pleasure that he can derive from it, and the pleasure he can give others, is also worth a great deal. </p>
<p>I hope your son continues his music. But know that for some musicians that can happen with or without piano lessons. </p>
<p>It was with a heavy heart that we admitted during DS’s junior year of hs that he no longer had time for piano lessons. He was just too busy to go to lessons (he drove himself) and practice the assigned pieces. That did not stop him from having a senior year bursting at the seams with music… piano, sax, composing and even a guest gig as a “cannon” percussionist in The 1812 Overture. </p>
<p>My son was like that at that age. However he gave all his money to the local food bank. He gave away so much money that he was on their high donar list and received many, many offers to attend special fund raising events with high powered people of wealth. Of course he turned that down as that was wasteful and believed that money should all go directly to feed people. He was on some high powered mailing lists and would get solicitations for high end stuff all the time, like the local Lamborghini dealer. They had no idea he was a kid.</p>
<p>The funny thing is the more he gave away the more money and good will he received. He went to school for free, went to grad school for free, was given money for summer research and internships. He even got relocation money when he got a job and moved away for free.</p>
<p>The only thing he ever accepted from us was a car. Begrudgingly </p>
<p>It has been amazing to watch. Funny kid.</p>
<p>Anyway, he grew up got a job and lives a simple life. I have no idea how much money he still gives away but he is very happy and always lands on his feet. </p>
<p>So let your wonderful son do his thing. When he needs money or wants something he will figure it out.</p>
<p>Does he have any teachers or other adults in his life that can help him pursue this passion? Sometimes it can work better with someone a little bit removed rather than mom and/or dad.</p>
<p>I can’t say that I have the same problem with my DD thinking we might spend too much on her (ha - never in my lifetime!) - but she did have an amazing experience traveling to Guatemala with a group called Global Leadership Adventures (GLA) where she spent 3 weeks in a language/service program that was very impactful. She was the same age as your son when she did it (as a rising junior). </p>
<p>Not sure if I can post a link in this case but it’s easy to find the company with a google search. I was very impressed with the quality of the program, safety, leadership, etc. They offer programs all over the world with different themes to choose from. I suggest you seek out some opportunities like this to help him channel his passion and develop leadership skills while he’s still in HS. </p>
<p>Also you could suggest he start working towards doing a piano performance to raise money for some cause he would like to support. He could either charge admission or make it free and ask people to make a donation - but either way it’s a nice way for him to use his music for a higher cause. </p>
<p>Do you have a source for that? I can’t find one. It does not appear to be correct.</p>
<p>The only source I could find was a recent USA article that referenced 21% of kids had “uncertain access to food”.</p>
<p>It seems in the US we moved from “starving” to “going hungry” to “uncertain access to food” and while we did that we managed to greatly increase the childhood overweight/obesity rates to about 31% (Kaiser).</p>
<p>There are a lot more people in other countries who are still in one of the first two stages.</p>
<p>I have one daughter likes your son, she has friends whose parents only make $20K a year, sometimes she came over to their house and there is no food, mostly ramen noodles. It was a good thing because she was a little bit frugal when it comes to her study abroad. She said she could go for cheaper programs, save me money and such. She often donates gift cards to random stranger on the net, who knows where she gets their name from. She got free gift cards from tutoring kids. </p>
<p>My advice for her is to make a lot of money and donate half where you can make a difference like some gazillionaires. I don’t know if she listens to me or not.</p>
<p>Taking music lessons enables the teacher to survive. Does the music teacher support a family? Even if s/he is a family of one, your tuition helps that person to survive, rippling through the economy, and supports the arts. </p>
<p>Music feeds the soul.
What good is food, if you are dead inside?
Music, art and dance ( as well as storytelling) are very important to people who don’t have a lot else.
He has these opportunities. if he was to exchange places with a similar boy in say, Rwanda, should the boy feel guilty or should he fully utilize his chance to learn, in order to bring joy and life somewhere else?
<p>Anyway, it is all propaganda. There is no such problem in our mightiest county on the planet. Let’s sweep everything under the rug. Where is that rolly-eyed smiley when I need it? </p>