My D was online tonight talking to two of her close guy friends. They have been friends for at least 5 years and they are all going through college, doing different things but still remain close even though the one friend- Nick now lives in West Va. Nick is also wheelchair bound and has muscular distrophy. Tonight, D, nick, and Dan were online playing games, chatting when nicks mom came into his room yelling at him about 2 pairs of pants that were left with Dan the last time nick came to town. (About 2 months ago). Apparently she didn’t like what nick said or the look he gave his mom, so she slapped him.
D heard all of it, and got upset, came to me in tears telling me what she overheard. This is not the first time nick and his mom have argued but I think its the first time she has hit him. I’m not close to the mom, we know each other and have had conversations but we have not spoken since she packed her and nick and moved back to wva about 18 months ago.
I want to say something to her but don’t want to make things worse for nick as he truly is reliant on her for everything. …I was thinking about emailing her and telling her what D overheard and how it upset her but not sure what else to say…
I’d appreciate some input, does anyone have any suggestions?
My suggestion would be to reach out to some kind of support group for caregivers before doing anything that could result in further stress and isolation for mother and son. I know literally nothing about this kind of situation, but I would tread carefully. That does not mean drop it.
Be sure to ask her how she is doing. If there is help around.
But, yes, address what your D heard.
If she denies it remember that she still knows that she was heard. Even that can help her get a grip.
Agree about calling.
I would talk to Nick first. Tell him you are concerned that his mom is having a tough time and is taking it out on him. Try and gauge how bad it is if you are lucky enough to get him to open up. Suggest counseling at school if that is a possibility. Tell him you are going to talk with his mom . Tell Nick you are there to help. Explain that he can call you if she hits him or harms him again.
Talk with his mom. Tell her you heard that she slapped Nick.Tell her you can’t imagine the pressures she is under. Tell her you care for them both and offer to help her get help. Let her know that you care for them and you feel a need to make sure she doesn’t hit Nick again.
There has to be programs for parents whose kids have disabilities. Look on line. Make phone calls. Gather information anonymously . Your goal is to find them both help if they need it. Ask on the thread for parents with kids with disabilities.
The issue with MD is that it only gets worse. You can’t leave him to handle this alone.
Give your daughter a hug. Tell her you have got this. Tell her she did the right thing by telling you.
I agree with sax about speaking with Nick first and let him know you are going to speak with his mom. I would be concerned if his mom would isolate him from OP’s daughter after OP makes the call. It is a sad and disturbing situation.
I work for the West Virginia Department of Health and Human Resources. If none of the above suggestions help, I would suggest contacting Adult Protective Services at 1-800-352-6513. http://www.wvdhhr.org/bcf/children_adult/aps/report.asp
@sax and @Bestfriendsgirl - thank you for this information. And thank you to everyone else who has responded. I had D ask Nick for his mom’s cell number. I thought I had it but didn’t. Nick is going to talk to his mom’s BF because he seems to listen to Nick. I told D that I would let her know when I was going to call Nick’s mom so he would know.
I want to call and address this, but I’m also afraid of making this worse. Although, like others have stated, I think that when physical abuse starts, it usually doesn’t stop. I was thinking of starting the conversation with asking her how she is doing and then address what D overheard.
I know she is stressed, but some of the stress has been caused by her own decisions. When she lived here in VA, she was living rent free in one of the houses her BF (now ex BF) owned, had a job and a support system in place. Nick had plenty of friends and also a caretaker that would come and spend time with him so mom could get out. Then her mom died, she decided VA was the worst place ever and she moved back home to live in her dad’s house where she and Nick have to share a room. Nick finally started WVA last fall but he still lives in the boonies and has to rely on mom to take him back and forth to school.
It doesn’t help any that when Nick comes to visit, he stays with that caretaker who has told him numerous times that Nick can move in with him and his wife. They even have a room for him.
Anyway, thanks everyone, I’ll let you know how the conversation goes. I will call Adult protective services if I have to as Nick does not deserve what he is getting.
Has your daughter asked Nick if it was a one-off situation or something that happened before? If it was me, my approach would defer depending on the answer.
Just a caution…has your D asked Nick about it?
What is your goal in calling her? To tell her that you are watching her? That you’ll report her? Tell her to get counseling?
Whatever you say is going to be perceived as a threat. My guess is that Nick’s mom will have him cut ties with your D.
The situation of Nick and his mom sounds dreadful. If you do call her, I would concentrate on sympathizing with her and seeing if you can encourage her to improve their circumstances. I think if she feels threatened, which she is almost certain to do, she will most likely just cut ties with you and your D, as gouf78 suggests.
While it is not okay in any way for her to abuse him, I don’t think the situation is going to be improved by starting a process that could lead to her ending up in jail.
Is there some kind of support group for caregivers that you can talk to first, so that perhaps you can offer her some concrete help?
I hope this was a one time mistake and not part of habitual abuse, and that Nick will discuss it with your D before you make any decision. It’s hard to know how best to help him.
In my own experience with an abusive mother, the few times that anyone outside of our family became aware of her behavior she both punished me again for her embarrassment and isolated me from whoever was aware of her abuse.
It may help to talk first not only with Nick but also with his former caretaker. Is your D his only friend who may know about the mother’s behavior? Is there anyone else who to speak with social services reps about the situation? Because you’re dealing with second hand knowledge of something overheard it may not be possible to anyone to act, especially if the mother says your D misunderstood or is mistaken and Nick is too frightened of the consequences to speak up for himself.
I mentioned this before in my post #13 but I am going to say it again as @silpat has above but more context is needed and hopefully can be obtained by your daughter talking to Nick prior to any discussions or courses of action being taken.
I will say that I was slapped by my mother as a teen once for some backtalk and I would not consider my mother abusive at all. I was being a brat and she was probably stressed and I’m sure she felt bad about it. More info is needed before making a leap that Nick is being abused based on one incident. Given his dependence on his mother it is worth looking into further, however.