<p>I think your DS should ask himself what the relationship is worth to him. These days, few people marry their college sweethearts; the couple likely will not be heading down the aisle. If he would like the relationship to run its course under his terms, not the parents’ terms, that’s fine - but he should know what he’s getting himself into.</p>
<p>The girlfriend might start to break free of her parents, but if things work out, your son could be setting himself up for a lifetime of misery. Read advice columns for a week and you will see a spouse who complains that the in-laws are controlling, and the spouse whose parents are acting up does nothing. </p>
<p>If it were my son (or brother), I would just ask him if he really wants to live like that. Sometimes the answer is, “This girl is so amazing, I would rather have her crazy parents as in-laws than have the best in-laws ever with a different girl.” Sometimes the answer is, “Her parents can be crazy and mean to some other guy. Let me know how that works out for everyone involved.”</p>
<p>BCEagle91, while I would generally agree with your statement, some kids in situations like hers don’t really come into their own/stand up to their parents until after college, when they are no longer dependent on the parents. In a way, she is already standing up to her parents by dating a person they don’t approve of. That’s why I would see how behavior is after college, especially since she is a senior, so it’s not far away.</p>
<p>One can stand up to parents but what happens after that can be dependent on the parents too. The parents could yield control or double down. I’ve seen both. There is opportunity cost lost in waiting on a person and the son has to determine if he thinks that the opportunity costs is worth it.</p>
<p>In general, you can try to change someone else but it often times doesn’t work from external motivation. You often have to live with what you have; not what you want the other person to be.</p>
<p>I’ve seen this sort of thing over very long periods of time in different families. The insider perspective, especially in living through it, is a lot different from the theoretical exercise.</p>
<p>Do the parents speak English? If not, perhaps have your son learn a few words to break the ice/ barrier and show there is interest to learn more about his gf, her family, cultures, etc. Sometimes parents fear that their daughter/son will be “taken away” from them and “ruined” by other cultures. If he can show that this is not the case perhaps they will see that someone from another culture is not always seen as the “enemy”. Though this does depend on how open-minded they are too.</p>
<p>There’s actually something to this. My FIL was a very young GI overseas when he met my MIL. Her family were very prominent business owners in Copenhagen, while he was from a tiny coal mining town in WV. Her parents disapproved vehemently. My FIL was not educated but very good with language and he learned Danish (even though they all spoke English). He learned customs, history, etc, to show respect for her parents. It took time but it did work. By the time I was in the picture I couldn’t imagine a time they didn’t love him, he was a second son. It started when he showed respect for them, that he would always honor their customs. He was no longer a threat. </p>
<p>Obviously the Danes are much different then the Chinese, however I did think this was worth sharing. When someone feels threatened, if it’s really important to you find a way to reassure them.</p>
<p>My husband is the son of immigrants and we have/continue to have issues with his parents. In his culture, the first born son is almost revered and absolutely depended on. They expect him to be at their beck and call and to dump me and the kids to run to them, if needed. They also expect to live with us in their old age, as their parents did with them. (Oh, and they have never thought that I was good enough for their son, or my brother-in-law for their daughter).</p>
<p>We have accomodated their requests as much as possible and we try to be respectful. My husband has defended me on occasion, and doesn’t mind if I stay home when he visits. I was aware of all of these issues when we got married, but I was and still am, so in love with him that I am willing to put up with them and their crazy expectations. </p>
<p>Good luck to your son. He will have to decide if this relationship is worth it. Her parents may never change - but in the best case they can have a cordial, if not warm, relationship.</p>
<p>Your son needs to decide how much this relationship means to him, and likewise for his girlfriend. I don’t think life would be easy if they should get married. I am the daughter of such parents. H is a saint for having put up all of those crazy demands from my parents. My parents expect us to pay for them even when they could afford it themselves - dinners, vacations, upkeep of their house, and expensive gifts for various holidays. All of my siblings have decided to move away, except for me.</p>
<p>Not all Chinese/Asian parents are like mine or the GF’s parents. My SIL parents’ (first generation Asian immigrant) are loving, giving, and considerate to their kids. They would do whatever is necessary to make sure my SIL had everything she needed. But it sounds like the GF’s parents are very demanding and the GF is also very obedient, so I wouldn’t expect the situation to improve.</p>
<p>My own father (now deceased) would be unhappy if we are too good to h
my child. He would try to butt in an teach us how to bring up a disciplined kid, even though he might have seen his grandson like 6 times in his whole life. When DS got accepted into an ivy in SCEA, we would rather not tell him about, no much good words might be said.</p>
<p>Purely dysfunctional! A motivation for us to immigrate. orherwise, very destructive to our marriage.</p>
<p>Actually, unbraided long hair was more traditional in China; braiding it into a queue (after cutting some of it) was imposed during the Qing dynasty (Manchu conquest). Short hair is a more modern style (Republic and People’s Republic times).</p>
<p>In my extended family, my Chinese-American immigrant relatives of my parents generation were actually pretty liberal about whom we dated compared with the stereotypical “traditional Chinese” family I kept hearing about from Americans of different ethnicities. </p>
<p>Only exception to this was woe to anyone who brought home a Japanese/Japanese-Americans…especially female cousins due to my parental generation’s first-hand memories of seeing invading Japanese soldiers along with the atrocities and destruction associated with their conquest-oriented rampage. </p>
<p>An older female cousin caught a lot of grief in the form of guilt trips and anguish from her parents when she decided to take a Japanese-American as her fiance. It didn’t matter that the fiance’s family had been in the US since the 1890’s and thus, had nothing to do with the Second Sino-Japanese War or most of Japan’s colonialist expansionism. </p>
<p>Despite the fact my parents and another set of more open-minded relatives ultimately mediated the issue successfully so the marriage went forth…it was quite an ordeal for her and her parents. Consequently, I will admit a bit of wariness in getting serious with Japanese/Japanese-American women as the last thing I’d want is to subject them to being viewed by many older aunts/uncles in the same way as they viewed Imperial Japanese soldiers or the colonialist militaristic Imperial Japanese governments which issued their marching orders.</p>
<p>Her father has finally pulled laid out the big threat of not paying for college. No surprise there. He’s a bully and next January when the last turition payment is made she can decide what she wants to do with her life. </p>
<p>She did tell her parents that she would not be applying to med school - as they wanted. She took pre-med courses and is majoring in something with creative writing which is what she wants to do. This will be interesting to see if she can stand up to them and follow her own course.</p>
<p>To get respect you need to give it. Sorry if that’s not the way it works in other cultures, but the parents both were raised here since they were kids. </p>
<p>I’d like to go over and TP the house. (yes, I know that won’t help, and its petty and small minded, you don’t need to tell me) - but I dont forgive or forget easily.</p>
<p>Good for her for not applying to med school and choosing her own path. I think it’s another good sign, since it’s clear even now she is standing up to her parents. I hope she stays the path.</p>
<p>When DS was dating a girl late in high school, the girl’s parents behaved exactly the same as you described in your first post. But the difference is your S/gf are 4 years older than them back then. They also control the frequency (should be around one time per one or two weeks) and the time (should be in the day time)
, no movie theater by themselves as it is dark inside, the best place is their family’s room, or walking near her neighborhood. Mall may be allowed.)</p>
<p>Ironically, we later found out their parents actually liked our S. But their intention was to make the relation progressed slowly. (In our opinion, extremely slowly.)</p>
<p>At one time, the girl and DS planned to come to our house to stay a few hours. The problem was they would do this without getting their parents’ permission (and it looks like they could not.) So we also said no to them due to our respect to their parents’ rule. We had a concern it might hurt the feeling of the girl by doing so.)</p>
<p>They broke up during DS’s freshman year. He flied thousands of miles back to see her during her break. She seems to be not very interested in conversations and had no intention of meeting again during that week. I think I still do not know the reason why.</p>
<p>Another strange meet years later was that the girl contacted DS to go to her local college and a few friends. When DS was there, the persons he met: the girl, the girl’s current bf, and girl’s ex-bf that she dated after she had broke up with DS and before her current bf. I do not see the point of such a 4-way meet. But DS and that her ex-bf actually had good impressions toward each other.</p>
<p>To their credit, they handled the break-up well. If only all ex-bf in the would can be as peaceful toward the girl and other ex-bf as them.</p>
<p>If they only dated in girl’ family room and were walking around the neighborhood and no other deeper bf/gf events, this could happen.</p>