<p>Just venting. DS’s girlfriend is home and her parents in their passive/aggressive manner are not allowing them to get together. They’ve pulled this before so its no surprise, but it’s very hurtful for son. So they allow them to make plans, and then cancel at the last second.</p>
<p>Their daughter is a senior in college, so they’re in for a rude awakening once tuition paymets are done and they can’t keep her under their thumb.</p>
<p>Sounds horrible 
Thankfully, they can’t control her for much longer!</p>
<p>How long has your son been going out with gf? Do you know why they don’t like him? Is there anything he can do to improve their opinion of him? (Did he break curfews when out with their D in the past? Is there a moral/religious objection?) Does he want to marry this girl and have these folks as his in-laws?</p>
<p>I am surprised this women has not figured out how to avoid this problem by now. Even younger couples know how to use subterfuge in these situations. If she allows this control to continue and their relationship manages to survive, your son may be a very unhappy in law. It sounds like this women does not have a spine or your son is not important enough to stand up to mommy and daddy. Parents that play these games, need to get a life. I do feel your pain, but your son needs to realize that we teach others how to treat us.</p>
<p>She invited him to her Senior prom and they’ve been dating - mostly long distance while they’ve been attending different colleges.</p>
<p>Don’t know what their issue is. They are asian, and are generaling controlling with their daughter. My son is nice, respectful and is not likely to have engaged them antagonistically.
Long crazy hair but no tats, no piercings, no gangsta moves.</p>
<p>Parents on the other hand often speak in chinese, about son, while he’s there - which is extremely rude.</p>
<p>Feels so high school, as she says shes walking to the mall, and then they can meet up.</p>
<p>Ouch. Harsh toward the girl there.</p>
<p>I had a HS/college bf whose mother was super-protective. Clearly, they didn’t think I was good enough for her ds, but she’d never met me so I didn’t take it personally. No girl was going to be good enough for him. Do you think they have a problem with your ds specifically, or would this be the case with any guy she brought around?</p>
<p>Could be that the parents are racist against your son’s race or ethnicity.</p>
<p>I agree that daughter needs to stand up for her BF to her parents. He needs to discuss it with her.</p>
<p>However, I would give her a few months once she has started a job/living on her own. Sometimes children from really controlling environments have a tough time breaking away right away. However, if she doesn’t start standing up for him, that may indeed be a problem (I wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that). He definitely should bring it up with her!</p>
<p>Sounds like a cultural issue. The parents may expect her to date those of her own ethnicity only. They may prefer her not to date anyone until after college. I doubt they will accept the relationship. (The long hair might not help, either 
)
She probably can’t stand up to her parents–this would be disrespectful, and they might punish her for it.</p>
<p>My mother did this to me with one of my close friends. She was jealous of the time I spent with the friend and at the friend’s house. She was also very insecure, and the friend’s family was intellectually and socially “superior” in an old-school way. (You know, three generations of Yale and Vassar type of people, that made my Jewish mother uncomfortable. But they were extraordinarily nice to me.) My mother used to tell me that I couldn’t go to my friend’s house on Sundays because that was “family day.” Of course, we all stayed in separate rooms on Sundays.</p>
<p>Agree with atomom. This is a cultural issue that some of us cannot identify with. I am sure that her parents and their friends might not understand some of the things we do with our kids!</p>
<p>Hey, there’s hope things might improve once your son’s GF is out on her own. </p>
<p>My future MIL used to pull this stuff on us all of the time back when my fiance still lived at home while attending high school and CC. It honestly had nothing to do with me and everything to do with her trying to control and manipulate her son. He would be routinely forbidden from seeing or talking to me for things like forgetting to wash her blender or leaving in the morning without a coat on. </p>
<p>Surprisingly, now that he is no longer under their roof their relationship has improved substantially. They have personalities that antagonize each other, and now that they are separated they can have a much better relationship, because they’re not fighting and she’s no longer in a position to control him.</p>
<p>Your son should be aware that the control exerted by the parents can persist for a long time and add stress to their marriage. My wife grew up in an environment like this though it was her sister exerting a lot of control. Her sister still tries to control her after 25 years of marriage and half-a-world away.</p>
<p>I’ll chime in with those that it’s a cultural issue, especially if the parents are Chinese. My Chinese parents (immigrated in their lifetime) have made repeated mentions that I should find a ‘nice Chinese boy’ to date, and the long hair is probably an issue as well (very, very rare in Chinese culture and my parents would see it as disrespectful and unmasculine [I don’t agree with any of that, but my parents would certainly talk about it in Mandarin if they met a boy like that]).</p>
<p>Also, if the parents are traditional, the D probably won’t break ties as easily as you may be expecting after tuition payments are done-- and if the D does, she may be in for a barrage of family guilt. Filial piety and respect are huge in Chinese culture. The parents may also be (strange as this may seem) be scared for their own retirement if their D and your son are serious. In China, nursing homes and assisted care facilities aren’t the norm, whereas three generations of the same family under the same roof are. There’s an expectation that when the parents age, their children will invite them into their home and take care of them through retirement in the same house. I was brought up by grandparents who lived in the same house as their children, and my aunt (on my father’s side) in China cared for my grandmother until her death, living apart from her husband to do so. It’s also typically seen as the daughter’s job to take care of the parents (or the DIL). On some level, they may be afraid that you and your son’s culture won’t recognize that, and that they will be abandoned, for lack of a better word; that may be an issue (my parents have mentioned it once or twice when discussing what kind of boy they want me to bring home). Again, this is all very general and assumes a fairly traditional culture, but that’s some insight, perhaps.</p>
<p>I agree that this type of cultural control, that the gf obviously accepts as a normal part of the family dynamic, is not likely to disappear no matter what her age, marital status, or level of financial independence. It may morph to a different type of control, but she will always give them the upper hand. This is not disrespect to your son, this is their relationship with their daughter. Your son has to decide if he wants to be a player in this type of dynamic. He can not expect that the parents or gf will change…a different type of control perhaps, but always control.</p>
<p>I crossed posts with purpleacorn. Her post does a great job of explaining what I was clumsily trying to get at as continued control. Thank you for your very personal post purpleacorn.</p>
<p>I would give the girl a chance. I would explain the problem and give her a chance. I have known quite a few immigrants, some with controlling parents. SOME did see it as wrong. That’s the first issues- is that how she wants to live? If it’s not, I would give her a little time to break the mold. A lot of people here are stereotyping. Yes, I know, a lot of times this is how it goes, but I HAVE seen people stand up to their parents and draw a line in the sand, especially if they didn’t want their life to continue that way (aka it was coming from their own beliefs, not because of pressure from a significant other).</p>
<p>I would not give up on her without having a serious heart-to-heart. And no, not all people accept cultural control as the norm, especially people that have been raised here.</p>
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<p>Long hair was supposedly traditional in China, though the hairstyle it was worn in was changed by governmental order in 1645 after the conquest of China by Manchu conquerors ( [Queue</a> (hairstyle) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“Queue (hairstyle) - Wikipedia”>Queue (hairstyle) - Wikipedia) ). Supposedly, the government required hairstyle was the motivation for rebellions against the government.</p>
<p>I definitely agree with the cultural part. Her parents would likely prefer for her to be with a Chinese boy.
& some people were saying that she needs to stand up for herself. I completely agree but her parents are helping her pay for college. It wouldn’t be smart to bite the hand that feeds her.</p>
<p>Ucb-- I’m not denying that the braided, long hair has historical context, but if the parents grew up as mine did, during/shortly after the Cultural Revolution, under Communist rule, there is still the idea that long hair in men is not ‘proper’ and shows a lack of respect for personal worth (again, not saying I agree with any of this-- it’s the same rationale that keeps me from wearing flip-flops in the summer around my grandparents and older aunts). It’s certainly not very common in mainland China these days, in part because all public HSes (and many colleges) have pretty strict dress codes-- no long hair on young men would be tolerated.</p>
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<p>Her parents may not realize that a Chinese boy brought up in the US would probably react similarly to a non-Chinese boy brought up in the US.</p>
<p>The daughter may not realize what it means to stand up to her parents and the parents would probably work on her to maintain control, even if she did resist it. I think that you have to be willing to accept the person as they are now and be able to deal with what appears to be personality oddities over the years. It does help a lot to know what to expect.</p>