<p>I ment to mention that your daughter’s compassion will be long remembered. My dad died 30 years ago this March, and I never saw or heard from this girl Maggie after my junior year, but she is fondly remembered all these years later.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the helpful thoughts and sharing your own stories. Starbright, thank you, I will remind D about how long the healing takes. My brother (her uncle) who had lived with us died unexpectedly a few years ago, and D knows that no one in our family is really back to normal yet from that. But I will give her a gentle reminder not to make any assumptions about this.</p>
<p>One problem with calling the school is that it was after hours when D called me. I ended up talking to campus security because they are the only ones who answer their phones in the evening, and they said they would make sure the dorm advisors were aware and let the Dean of Students know this morning.</p>
<p>I will also suggest to D that she see if she can help with any communications with profs, and also ask her to check with the health service on any grief counseling they or the community might offer so she can provide that info when her roommate returns.</p>
<p>I hope there is a student group on campus for those who have lost loved ones. There probably is one in the community, if not. I remember reading about a young man who had started such a group on his campus because it was such a help to be able to talk with others who really understand what the student is going through.</p>
<p>There’s no easy answer. I’ve seen similar things a few times now.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>When I was a high school freshman, the father of one of my cross-country teammates died while she was at a meet. She and her mother were supposed to meet her father and brothers at their vacation house after the meet, and when they got there her father was dead - he had a heart attack while water-skiing, fell into the water, and drowned before the brothers could get him out.</p></li>
<li><p>When I was in college, two different hallmates/friends had a parent die of cancer. One of them was a girl with whom I had a mentoring relationship in a student activity (as in, I was her assigned mentor in this club).</p></li>
</ul>
<p>Really, there is not much you can say, and if you try to come up with something useful, you’re as likely to put your foot in your mouth as to be useful. Just letting the person know that you are there if they want to talk, and understanding that they are grieving, is sometimes the best you can do.</p>
<p>When the girl is feeling up to it, I would encourage the OP’s D to do fun things with her. She may feel safer rejoining the world if she’s doing it with someone who understands that she’s in mourning, and will understand what is going on if something randomly provokes an outburst of grief from her that would be awkward if she were with a person who didn’t know the situation. Even early on, I would encourage the D to make sure that she keeps up social ties with the roommate, because without effort from her friends the roommate, consumed by grief, may let all her friendships go, and then she will have nobody to turn to as well as having lost a parent.</p>
<p>When I taught college, several of my students had parents and siblings who died during the school year. I expressed condolences, went to the wake if it was in town, gave a sympathy card, and let them know that if they needed extensions on work, that would be fine.</p>
<p>I think that your D can express condolences, and be willing to listen if her roommate wants to talk about her mother. Your D also can ask the RA if there’s anything that she should be attentive to that may indicate that her roommate needs additional support from the counseling center.</p>
<p>If your D can go to the funeral or wake, that would be good. If not, if she could arrange to send flowers or similar from friends in the dorm, that would be thoughtful and, I’m sure, appreciated.</p>
<p>I just talked to D, and she and another friend are going to the funeral, which is tomorrow. The friend’s mom is picking them up tonight (friend lives in the same town as roomie) and driving them back tomorrow night. I had forgotten until today, but when the father of my best friend from college died shortly after our college graduation, my parents and I drove several hours to the visitation. He had been a very private man, and only a few people were there. My friend told me a couple of years ago that it had meant a lot to her that my parents and I had come to support her. So I am glad D is able to go.</p>
<p>I will talk to D about chatting with the RA, too. Her roommate was having some issues before this that D was concerned about (and roommate dumped her boyfriend just last week - - at least it wasn’t the other way around). The RA was involved then, but I will suggest that D keep in touch with the RA about additional support for her roommate. Thanks again for everyone’s suggestions.</p>
<p>intparent - while in college one of my very good friends lost her mom to cancer. Her suitemates were very understanding at first, but as the months went by all of them asked her why couldn’t she just get over it.</p>
<p>It still hurts her to this day to remember how they did not understand she was still mourning for her mother.</p>
<p>Just be certain your D understands her roommate will mourn for her mother for many months to come. She’ll feel like an orphan and she’ll need the understanding and compassion that your D has to offer - perhaps until the end of school.</p>
<p>I know from reading your posts that your D will not be like my friend’s suitemates who couldn’t understand why she couldn’t get over her mom’s death in just a few weeks. I know you, too, will be checking in with your D to make certain the roommate gets any help that she needs.</p>