<p>D just called, her roommate’s mom died of cancer today. D just learned that the mom was very sick recently (although roommate probably knew long before D did). D is understandably upset. Roomate is still there, although surely heading home in the next couple of hours. D is just trying to be a good friend right now. I called the school to make sure some adult there was aware of the situation. Anybody else had this experience and have any advice/thoughts to share?</p>
<p>My Father died unexpectedly when I was a freshman in college. I found out on the payphone in the hallway of the dorm and remember just falling to the floor. I applaud you for making the school aware and hope that they follow through with some sort of assistance. My roommate offered me sympathy, asked me what she could do for me if anything and offered to leave the room for a time if I wanted to be alone, which I did. One of the girls from the other side of the hall had lost her brother in a car accident the year prior and she came to see me before I left. She offered to talk to me and be a sounding board for me when I returned. Although I never took her up on her offer, I remember her kindness to this day. I would say that when your D’s roommate returns, that your daughter should ask her what she needs. I know that for me, being a very private person, I did not want to talk about it, but did appreciate the expressions of sympathy.</p>
<p>Knitknee, that must have been awful for you. D is pretty empathetic, so hopefully she will be able to offer that same kind of support. Roomie has had some issues with what may be depression since fall, so D is concerned about leaving her alone. But that is good advice for D to ask what she prefers once they are past this initial time. I am assuming her roommate will come back (although she had some academic issues last semester, so I suppose it is possible that she may not be).</p>
<p>How devastating…and what a thing for your daughter to deal with as well
One of my daughters is dealing with her roommate who just learned that her mother’s cancer has gone from remission to active. They are not very close , but my daughter has offered her support…once the parents gave her the news, they got her a hotel romm to be alone. My daughter didn’t learn about it for a couple of days , but offered to leave her to be alone if that is what she needed. This has taken place in the last few days.
So sad to deal with alone, far from home…</p>
<p>intparent, I’m so sorry your D and her roommate are facing this situation. My sister died when I was in college and I was very messed up for at least a year. I had no business going back to school, but did. Do stay tuned into your daughter’s emotional needs at this time, particularly if she is an empathetic type. Living with a depressed roommate can be extremely difficult.</p>
<p>The roomie’s issues with grades and depression probably began because her mom was dying… my room-mate’s dad died when I was a sophomore. None of us knew what to say to her because we had never been in that situation. You might walk your daughter through some possible ways she could help. Most of all, talk to her about how “being there” looks and sounds - ie, it’s not “tell me if I can help” while you are dressing for a party - it’s bringing a cup of cocoa and a hug when other people are complaining about their parents.<br>
Your D could also offer to walk with roommate to the counseling center. Most kids hate to admit they should visit. Having someone help you get there might be a big relief.</p>
<p>My father died in the spring semester of my senior year, after a brief battle with cancer. It was important to my mom that I not be alone when I got the news, so she called my roommate first, just to make sure she would be there when M called me. M knew my schedule well enough to know roughly when I’d be home. I am forever grateful to that roomie, just for being with me when M called. I really needed somebody to talk to and spend time with; being alone would not have been good for me. I know everybody handles things differently. </p>
<p>I hope your D can just be available to her roommate, mostly listening and caring. Never easy to lose a parent, but it’s really tough when one is so young…</p>
<p>Sort of.</p>
<p>I’m currently a freshman (yes, I like perusing around the Parent’s Forum-sue me!) and my mother unexpectedly passed away last semester. My roommate didn’t really offer much in the way of empathy…I left him a note (he was gone for the weekend) explaining what happened and why I was gone, and the only acknowledgment I received was a text message 2-3 days after the fact saying he was sorry and presenting an (empty) offer of help should I need anything.</p>
<p>But I digress…Really it’s probably the best to tell your D the truth: there is no explicit thing she can do/say to help. The past few months I’ve learned the hard way that there is no easy way to go through this…No one has the right words, because there are none…And there is no specific thing someone can do to help. All she can do is be there for her roommate when her roommate needs her.</p>
<p>Gravitysrainbow, sorry for your loss. Sometimes people don’t know what specifically to offer to do (I heard a story once about a man who showed up to shine the family’s shoes after the sudden death of a parent, which I thought was very touching - - something that needed to be done for them to be ready for the funeral that no one would want to take time for).</p>
<p>D is one of those people who will instinctively know the right thing to say, when to talk, when to hug, when to bring cocoa. As she said to her sib during an argument over break, “I have social graces that you can only dream of!”. And she is right. I admire her ability, she didn’t get it from me (or her dad; nearest we can figure is her great-grandma). It should serve her well. She just called again, and her roommate isn’t going home until tomorrow. It will be a sad night in their room tonight. Roommate lives only a couple of hours away, and D met her mom a few times. D and another friend will be going to the funeral.</p>
<p>My father died in January of my freshman year. I was deeply touched while home to receive a floral arrangement from the girls on my floor. I still remember how it made me feel. It also made it easier to go back knowing that they had made this gesture.</p>
<p>Ex-H and I talked, and we thought we would make a contribution to whatever charity is designated if one is, and have D ask if one isn’t mentioned in the obituary. And I thought I would put in some special treats for her roommate when I send packages in the future. Her roommate spent the day with us when I dropped D off, so I do feel like I know her, although I did not meet her mom.</p>
<p>I just found out that the mother of a HS classmate of my S is in hospice with pancreatic cancer, recently diagnosed. Her D did not go back to college for the second semester, given her mother’s health, and her college is reportedly refusing to give the poor kid a leave of absence! I find that mind-boggling.</p>
<p>My father died suddenly when I was in college. I received a phone call in the middle of the night. One of my suitemates stayed up with me, just sitting by me, until my BF came to take me to the airport. That is really all one can do.</p>
<p>As someone else experienced, my suitemates did all send flowers at the time of the funeral. It was not the flowers, but the thought, which mattered. So your idea of contributing to a designated charity will surely be much appreciated.</p>
<p>The roommate will need to contact a Dean/professors, etc. and make arrangements for missed work. Your D might ask if she can help with this in any way. The roommate will surely have to make connections herself, but she will appreciate the offer. And your D might be able to gather email addresses - or send an advance email to profs, giving the roommate time to follow-up later.</p>
<p>Wonderful of you to be thinking about how best you can help.</p>
<p>The father of someone who lived on my floor died during our freshman year. I did not know her well when her Dad died, but we went on to become good friends and eventually roommates. I felt really bad for her when it happened and in the years following. But when my own father died when I was in my thirties, it really hit me with renewed force how incredibly tragic it would be to lose a parent at age 18 or 19, and my heart ached for my friend all over again. (I was happily married with kids, and I saw what a huge, aching hole my Dad’s death left in my life.)</p>
<p>I think a journal would be a good thing for your daughter to get for her roommate upon her return to school. An opportunity and encouragement to record memories of her father and her feelings would be appreciated both now and years later. Jmmom, I thought your suggestion of offering to contact people on campus for the roommate was a really good idea.</p>
<p>My deepest sympathies to you on your losses, jmmom, mimk6, and gravitysrainbow.</p>
<p>One of my friends lost his dad a couple years ago, and all his buddies from the dorm drove to Fort Worth to be at his dad’s showing. I felt really helpless and didn’t know what to say to him, but I felt good about making the trip and showing support anyway.</p>
<p>My sympathies to all those who have lost a parent.</p>
<p>Wow, that is so sad. And so hard at such a young age. </p>
<p>Can I just make one suggestion to pass along? Everyone is different so I might be completely off base, but I think one of lesser known but hardest parts of grief is when ‘everyone goes back to normal’ and you are so not ready, and won’t be for a long time. Many come to express their sympathy, offer support, act like they are around a grieving person the first little while, and its a big event and much goes on to acknolwedge it…then of course those not grieving go back to their lives as before, and think it’s sort of done, and stop asking how you are or appreciating that nothing is the same for you… Not their fault, its just hard to appreciate when you aren’t the one going through it. So the grieving person is sort of left where they were, seeing the world around them go on as if nothing ever happened. It can be a very lonely time. The grieving person may not even feel like they should be grieving anymore and may not want to bring it up, when the reality is it just takes a very long time and they could still use support. </p>
<p>So I guess I would just tell a friend of someone who is grieving to remember this idea-- over the many months to come, even though life goes on, and roommate may look fine and act normal, she may continue to need her; to have someone in the ‘real world’ reach out and remember!! Even a simple and earnest, “how are you doing?” said with a sincere listening ear through the <em>months</em> to come will be such a gift.</p>
<p>I agree with starbright above. I lost my dad during grad school, and the after effects were quite long lived then. If this is a large enough locale, perhaps the local hospital has family support groups for grieving survivors that could help. I know of people who have lost a spouse who have gone, and maybe such a thing could help if available. When my Dad died, I was touched by a few people who reached out to me who were not close friends, but had lived through the same thing,and by all of those who reached out to me from my classes.</p>
<p>How sad!</p>
<p>It’s a good thing you did calling the school to make sure an adult knows what’s going on. </p>
<p>At most schools, the person to call is the Dean of Students. His/her office can take care of notifying professors, help make travel arrangements, help coordinate counseling and other support, and just keep an eye out to make sure the student (and his/her roommates and friends) are doing well.</p>
<p>It sounds like your daughter might be the perfect roommate to handle this situation. My thoughts are with them both.</p>
<p>My father died my junior year of college. As it happened that was the year my intended roomate transferred schools and I was given a last minute sophomore transfer student. We had absolutely nothing in common but the one thing I remember about her was her compassion when my father died. I had found out right before Thanksgiving that my dad had cancer, he died in March. I went to school in Indiana but lived in CT. I returned to school the day after his funeral, and my roomate Maggie was in our room when I returned. The first thing she said was that she was so sorry and that she didn’t know what to do or say to me, she didn’t know my dad, but if I ever wanted to talk, she would love to hear about him. My closest friends (who knew my dad) said they were sorry but I knew how uncomfortable they all felt (we were just 20). One of the nicest things that they all did for me was to hold a mass for my dad (yes, I am catholic and it was a very catholic college) where they chose the music and readings. Afterwards, we all went to dinner just like we always had, but that one event was their way of expressing what it was they didn’t know how to say. I have never forgotten the compassion shown to me by girls that were like my sisters, and a roomate that I wasn’t very close with but someone who I will say to this day was probably one of the best roomates I could have had at that time. She expected nothing from me, but I knew I had an ear if I ever needed to talk.</p>