I don’t really know what to do so I guess that is why I am posting on here. It’s kinda silly when I think about it but like I said I’m out of options. So I am a freshman and I’m just finishing up my first quarter and heading home for Christmas in 2 weeks. Right now I am writing this in my bed on a Saturday night while watching “how I met your mother” trying to ignore the fact that I am once again not living my life how I want to. In high school I was always pretty shy but not too shy where I was unable to talk to people. I had great friends but I had never had a boyfriend, ever. I didn’t really know why, I was pretty looking(I think?) I played sports, I’m easygoing and I have a good sense of humor. But recently I figured out the reason why is because I am afraid of making mistakes. Sure everyone is but I am so afraid of making a mistake that I find myself not even trying. I don’t talk to boys and I have been having a hard time making friends ( I have two friends right now but not really good friends like I did back home). This is coming across really choppy sounding and a little all over the place but what I am trying to get at is that I am so bored with how I am living and I want a relationship and friends and to have fun but I just can’t if that makes sense. I can see my life that I want in a couple years I want of be a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner with a good goofy boyfriend and a couple of best friends nothing special just, normal. Wow I hope this makes sense to someone because right now I am so confused I don’t even know how to write this. I just don’t know what to do I am nice to everyone because I know how hurtful girls can be, and I don’t know I just don’t want to do the same thing I did in high school and just float by only focusing on school. Thank you I know this sounds silly and petty!
First of all, you don’t sound silly, you feel what you feel. You want to have friendships, possibly a boyfriend, and you want to have fun. But, for whatever reason you are also afraid of making mistakes, or maybe even getting hurt or feeling rejected? All relationships do involve a certain level of risk of both mistakes, and pain. They also offer the chance for great joy. You may want to schedule an appointment at your campus counseling center for the week you return to campus and explore your feelings and come up with strategies to overcome the forces that are blocking you from having the friendships that you want.
You don’t sound silly at all. You sound like my daughter who is a freshman and my my eldest son when he was a freshman. They both went to schools different from their friends. It only changed when they decided to make it change. For my eldest, it was going back to school after Christmas break that he had an epiphany and made the effort to change his situation. He had no friends at school. His suite mates got kicked out of the dorm and his roommate was pledging a frat and was never there. He lived on the top floor of a 6 story, 4 bedroom dorm and was so lonely. He now is in the math club and actually gives talks on Zipf’s law and other topics. No one would have ever guess that of him.
This is a growing moment for you. Moments of growth can suck, because they make us uncomfortable. All those people you see whooping it up are having growth moments too. They just are just in a different area. It is normal and it does get better. It does take your participation, though.
I know a gal who is so incredibly homesick that she did not go home all semester except Thanksgiving. She knew she would not want to go back if she went home and that wasn’t an option. She is running herself ragged and even got pneumonia in Oct. when she would’t slow down when she got bronchitis.
Every moment she is not in class, she is doing something with some club or organization because she is afraid to stop because she gets really sad and cries when she is not around a lot of people. It sucks for her right now, but she will get over it and grow to be more comfortable away from home. She’s having to learn it is ok to cry and miss home and to be an active participant in her life, not run from it.
What you are feeling is so normal. The friendships right now are not the same. Those take time. Just like the ones back home grew over time.
You are not afraid of making a mistake. You make mistakes every day. Sometimes your biggest mistakes come from your irrational fear of “making a mistake”.
Your fear is rejection and that is a fear most of us have. We want to belong. We want to be accepted. We are herd creatures for the most part, even if some of us stay to the edge of the herd instead of the middle.
My daughter is an example. She isn’t a big crowd person and while very pretty, accomplished, and good hearted, she has her own insecurities and fears, but to look at her, one would think she has it all and ask what does she have to fear. But she does have her struggles, just like everyone else and one of those IS being rejected.
One thing she really misses is her pets and takes comfort in them when she is at home. About mid semester, she decided one Saturday to go volunteer at the city animal shelter. She had already been to pet stores, held some rats and hamsters, etc. and she needed an animal fix. In 18 years, she had never done that at home. It was a huge mood booster for her.
What started out as getting to handle the animals, give play time for half an hour each to those up for adoption out of their cages, she gained a purpose to something else other than herself. She also got the personal interaction with other people (the staff). She had been missing that personal interaction that we all need. Over the course of the weeks, every Saturday, she is there and she has met some other college student volunteers she interacts with. They are “friends” but not best buddies. But that led her to an organization on campus where she now has a group of people to interact with. Friendships are developing.
Nothing will change without you making an effort and try, try again. If one thing doesn’t work, try something else. But go slowly. Take your time. It is a process. You don’t need to run for class president right now, but you do need to find something that has you interacting…even if it begins with animals in a shelter. Good Luck. It will get better if you try and keep trying. These moments build character and strength so we can handle life’s bigger challenges later on.
You got this.
Also, when you are back at school, do as Northernmom suggested. The school counseling office is set up to handle situations such as yours. They see hundreds of struggling freshmen every year. They are pros. Nothing you can say will shock them. They have seen it all and can help. They can help relieve some of the burden you are feeling.
I don’t mean to sound cliche, but I was kinda like you at a time in my life. I still am to an extent, but I’ve fixed it kinda. If you want things to come, you have to go get them. I, too, was so afraid of making a mistake that I didn’t even talk some days. But if you just go out on a limb once, maybe a few times, you’ll see that the mistakes you’re afraid of making aren’t really that big of a deal. For example, my junior year in high school I really liked this girl. Almost the whole year I went by wondering, “why doesn’t she talk to me? I like her.” Then I realized that she couldn’t read my mind. No one can. I was gonna have to actively form a relationship with her, it wasn’t going to come to me out of thin air. Then one day I said screw it, I’m gonna ask her out on a date. I was so afraid of this moment. She was in my Spanish class and I was gonna ask her after we were dismissed since we walked the same way to lunch. I planned the entire conversation in my head and I found confidence in knowing I wouldn’t make a mistake because my plan was SO fool proof. Then the moment came. I walked beside her and tapped her shoulder and said, “hey.” She said hey back. EXACTLY how I planned. “Where do you sit for lunch?” I asked this knowing she’d say some answer I didn’t really care about, it was just part of my planned conversation with her. “In the cafeteria. The sophomore tables. Bye.” I was so confused. She just said bye and walked the opposite way to her locker. WHAT??? That wasn’t in the plan. That was pretty demoralizing. I was pretty sure I had just fudged up the only chance I had with this girl. I was so embarrassed. But anyways, half a year passes, the next school year comes, and now we’re pretty close friends (closer than I am to most people). I guess what I’m trying to say is, even if you make a huge mistake (and at the time, I thought that conversation was a HUGE mistake), it’s not as significant as you may think. Life happens, you can’t control everything, you’ll make mistakes. The beauty of it: people understand. Don’t be afraid of making a fool out of yourself sometimes. It’ll let people see who you really are, flaws and all. Seriously, I know it’s easier said than done, but you’ll find confidence. It definitely is a process. It’s not like you’ll find a whole group of friends and a boyfriend over night. But remember, life happens It’ll come eventually, you just have to trust yourself and find that beautiful confidence you have in you
It’ll come eventually, you just have to trust yourself and find that beautiful confidence you have in you