<p>Where I’m trying to go is - one can think that there is no moral issue with casual sex, but still think it is a riskier behavior - for both men and women - than relationship sex. So I don’t have a problem counseling to that effect. Not because I’m Molly Uptight, but because it invites more possibilities of bad things. </p>
<p>“don’t know about you, but I am in a committed relationship and have no interest in straying, and I am frequently alone with a man with whom I don’t want to have sex. It’s very odd to me to imagine that Cecilia wouldn’t find herself alone with a guy often, too.”</p>
<p>I was in a committed relationship all through college. When I was alone with guys with whom I didn’t want to have sex, I was in the library studying with them, or at the student center having something to eat, or working together on a project, or what not. I was not in risky situations where I could have been attacked. The girl seeking casual sex is. Because she was wanting consensual sex. Again, this isn’t about morality. </p>
<p>The guy increases his chance of being falsely accused each time, though I agree that the risk is less with a woman with whom he has a committed relationship.</p>
<p>But the woman doesn’t increase her chance of being raped <em>at all</em> when she has consensual sex, because consensual sex isn’t rape. </p>
<p>I suppose it could increase her chances if he doesn’t respect her limits - consenting to sex doesn’t mean consenting to every type of sex.</p>
<p>But yeah, if a woman WANTS to have loads of consensual sex, that isn’t generally correlated to her chance of being rape. On the other hand, there are behaviors that would put someone at higher risk. For instance, inviting a guy up to your apartment is not in any way shape or form consent to sex, and a guy is absolutely 100 % to blame if he rapes a woman after being invited up - but it still increases your chances of being raped if you invite guys up for coffee after every first date. So, a woman who invites virtual strangers that she doesn’t intend to sleep with into her apartment is in more danger than a woman who only invites guys up once she knows them a little better. And yes, obviously people are raped by those they trusted as well - but it is still good common sense to take precautions that will decrease, but not eliminate, risk. </p>
<p>Obviously, drinking to excess is another factor that increases risk, and avoiding doing so is another common-sense suggestion - not that the Eckerd president is putting any of this particularly deftly. </p>
<p>"On the other hand, there are behaviors that would put someone at higher risk. For instance, inviting a guy up to your apartment is not in any way shape or form consent to sex, and a guy is absolutely 100 % to blame if he rapes a woman after being invited up - but it still increases your chances of being raped if you invite guys up for coffee after every first date. So, a woman who invites virtual strangers that she doesn’t intend to sleep with into her apartment is in more danger than a woman who only invites guys up once she knows them a little better. "</p>
<p>Right. But oh noes, slut-shaming. </p>
<p>The risky behavior is not openness to casual sex, but being alone with a guy and not wanting to have sex. To the extent that openness to casual sex makes a woman more likely to be alone with a guy when she does not want to have sex, she incurs more risk. But what LasMa and I are disputing is whether being open to casual sex does in fact by itself make a woman more likely to be alone with a guy when she doesn’t want to have sex.</p>
<p>It’s funny, when I was growing up, you were warned not to skate on thin ice. Not to walk on railroad tracks. Not to talk to strangers. Not to wander away from your parents in a store.</p>
<p>Is that all victim blaming? For the poor people who have gotten pushed onto the subway tracks by mentally ill folks - do we blame them for standing too close to the tracks and too near other people?</p>
<p>Or do we just tell our kids “be careful near subway tracks, especially when it is crowded - don’t stand too near because you are better off getting a bad seat then a nut pushing you onto the tracks”?</p>
<p>As for “not wanting to be alone with a guy if you don’t want casual sex” uh, really!??!?! So, if I was alone with someone I knew was lesbian, I’d have to want casual sex to talk to her? And guys can’t be alone with gay guys, or they must want casual sex? </p>
<p>And being “open to casual sex” like what does that mean? I let somebody I barely knew walk me home to my dorm room, because I believe in human decency, that he felt sorry for a drunk chick and wanted to help her get safely to her door not saw her as a rape target. I was disabused of that notion. I NEVER invited him into my dorm room, because I was very drunk and he pushed his way into my room. </p>
<p>The next time a guy was nice enough to walk me home, I was more sober and we stood in the hallway for four hours talking. Then he went home.</p>
<p>The mechanics of dorm rooms, and rooms at frats or off-campus housing anyway, the living room = bedroom aspect of it causes some of these issues. I had friends who wanted to live in quads, with a living room and kitchen, and then separate bedrooms, so they could “entertain” and then decide where they wanted a relationship, short- or long-term, to go. Like in your house, where it is obvious you can eat dinner and sit on the couch, and not want to do the nasty.</p>
<p>Same thing with a sorority house, for the girls’ sakes they had rules about “not having boys upstairs” posted. It was broken regularly, but posting it meant that there was some measure of safety.</p>