<p>I originally posted this in the High School Life forum, but someone suggested I post here…</p>
<p>My friends find me arrogant and think that I brag about myself too much. I guess I do do that, especially since I like to flaunt my accomplishments in front of underclassmen. I really think I should stop though, but I can’t seem to shut my big mouth. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>Do some volunteering at a homeless shelter or a place for abused kids or a nursing home or a veterans hospital. Go and work with your local group supporting our troops (and their families) that are fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan and meet with them and their families. Heck , I’ve even got a quicker one. Some of those may take a day or two. 
Be at the airport when these brave souls come home from their latest tour of duty and greet them appropriately. A lot of them are not much older than you. That ought to do it.</p>
<p>Think before you speak. Ask yourself whether it is necessary and appropriate to mention your particular accomplishment for that conversation–it’s usually not. Spend some time saying nothing about your own accomplishments unless directly asked. If asked, keep your answer short and factual. Pay attention to the way people react when someone in the group brags. Usually other people get quiet, look away, fidget, interrupt, or roll their eyes. They almost never look interested. Note the types of behavior that get this reaction, and make sure you avoid saying similar things. In order to be a good friend or be respected and liked by others, it’s necessary to function well in social situations and have a good sense of social rules. Spend a little while being quieter than you normally are. Talk a lot less, and listen and watch others. Observe people in social situations, and take note of conversations people enjoy or feel uncomfortable in. Try to remember the different types of things people were saying in each situation. Then use what you’ve learned to have conversations that are fun, comfortable, casual, and respectful.</p>
<p>People may feel that you are trying to make other people feel worse about themselves. They may feel that they have many accomplishments, too, but they keep what they do private. It’s not polite to use a friendly conversation in order to make yourself look better, smarter, or more accomplished than the other person. Friends should feel comfortable with each other. They shouldn’t feel as if they have to prove themselves. You may also want to ask yourself why you feel the need to brag to underclassmen? What do you get out of it? Can you find that somewhere else? Do you need external validation in order to feel accomplished? </p>
<p>What you do is nobody’s business except your own. Share your accomplishments with your parents and on your college applications. You can also share things you are proud of (because of the effort it took you to achieve) with your closest friends, but since you are trying to stop this behavior, I think for now you shouldn’t do that, either. Remember that there are always many, many other people who are smarter, nicer, better looking, and more accomplished than you are. Then remember that one of those people may be in your current conversation.</p>
<p>Read the recent USA Today top 20 Academic team article. That is humbling. It sounds like you suffer from poor self esteem and are looking for validation- it does happen to those you would not expect it to. There are reasons you are insecure and keep seeking to show you really are somebody; it can haunt you for decades. Do bother to discuss this with an adult you trust, perhaps your school guidance counselor can help steer you to the proper help. This does not mean something is wrong with you, you may have needs due to external factors you have no control over. Dealing with this issue sooner rather than later will help you enjoy your life so much more. Good luck.</p>
<p>Its really important to not flaunt your accomplishments. People don’t respect that at all. As I say to my kids, “Let your talent do the talking”.</p>
<p>SlightlyConfused, I am with you. Without psychoanalyzing myself, I know there are times when I feel the need to have my achievements validated. In my case, as a stay at home mom, which automatically deducts 30 points from my IQ and gets me dismissed from conversations before they even start, I find myself thinking, but, but, but,… and desperately wanting to say I AM somebody. Look what I did. Recognizing WHY you need to validate yourself will be an important step toward not needing to. It will also help you recognize those times - in job interviews, or performance evaluations, for example - that you DO need to present your accomplishments in an honest, objective manner. Having a reputation as a braggart unfortunately detracts from any justified boasting and you will find you have to work even harder to gain respect.</p>
<p>The moment you know you are being successful at this is when someone else brags on you in your presence! Or better yet, behind your back.</p>
<p>Just try to go through the day without saying the words “I” or “my”. You can make a game of this by thinking of some mild way to fine yourself for each slip-up. You’ll have to talk about something else… interesting things you’ve read, fuuny incidents you witnessed… By the way, talking about other people and putting them down is implicitly bragging about yourself, so that’s off-limits, too.</p>
<p>New habits take about 3 weeks to take hold, so you’ll have to try really hard for at least that amount of time. Pretty soon you’ll notice that your speech patterns have changed.</p>
<p>Don’t beat yourself up over this, it’s just a habit, and it’s good that you’ve recognized that you need to change. Good luck!</p>
<p>Good first step is self-realization.</p>
<p>I have no quick fix comment for SlightlyConfused. It takes time to develop humility I suppose. That is certainly a noble trait to possess but I question to what extent, if at all, the business world embraces that type of attribute. Not that it is right but many people, whether they recognize it or not, flaunt their accomplishments in some form or fashion. For some, the behavior is encouraged from their toddler years and may not end until one’s life does.</p>
<p>By the way, aren’t there countless posts through this site where individuals (students or parents) flaunt accomplishments (3.90 UW GPA, 2200 SAT’s, Numerous AP/Honors classes taken, President of Latin Club, All State Athlete, Classical Pianist, etc.)? I just left a high school athletic event that my child participated in this weekend. After parking my car in the lot and walking past the other vehicles, many had stickers in their rear windows of various elite colleges. My guess would be many were the cars of parents whom I suppose don’t mind advertising that their children should be viewed as special given the schools they attend (conversely, it is rare to see any “Less Selective University” stickers in most public venues).</p>
<p>If it is your desire SlightlyConfused to curb what you say and do, try as much as possible to take inventory of your actions and hold back sharing the things that others might find to be offensive. It will take some time for sure (Rome wasn’t built in a day) but I can assure you that you are not alone on an island when it comes to that.</p>
<p>Think before you speak - and delete any sentence that has an ‘I’ in it.
That ought to stop any bragging - and will result in you having better, less self-centered conversations with people.</p>
<p>when you’re temped to follow someone’s story with a story of your own … ignore the tempation and instead ask a follow-on question to the person who told the original story. He who talks the most listens the least</p>
<p>Why are your friends complaining? Because your accomplishments are not that interesting, that’s why. Few eighteen year olds have enough life experience to fascinate a group. Concentrate on telling one or two of your best ‘stories’ for the best ‘effect’ (validation) and then ask questions to discover the best stories that others have to tell.</p>
<p>Seeking validation, or fame, is a slippery, unsatisfying game.</p>
<p>3togo’s advice is on the ball. Start there.</p>
<p>Binx, nice post truly in the service of others.</p>
<p>Something partical to do is with your close friends, tell them that you realize what you are doing, and then when they find you starting to do that, to say, dude, yeah, we ALLL know how wonderful you are!!! Or some silly thing to cut you off in a funny way, and so you see when you are doing it</p>
<p>WIth my mom, when we start rambling on and on about the same thing, we tell each other we are “looping” like a tape</p>
<p>Another thing to do is 5 times a day- find something nice to say TO ANOTHER PERSON, emphasized- about a shirt, something they said in class, their hair, whatever you can think of that is real</p>
<p>Another idea is to say something silly or bad about yourself, oh man, did I blow it today, spilled milk everywhere, all over the dog, man it was a mess, or something to show that you realize you are not Mr. Perfect to others</p>
<p>These are day to day things to do, that you will have to think about, but after a bit, it will become much more natural, so starting this very moment, give someone else a compliment, send a text to someone about something cool they did or said</p>
<p>And tomorrow, slip compliments in, but make sure they are real, not fake—</p>
<p>When my Ds were little and weren’t sure how to meet people, I suggested they do that, see someone and say, hey, love what you said in there</p>
<p>First step is realizing you want to change…</p>
<p>So have a plan everyday that you will say nice things to at least 5 people, and at least 3 things or 3 times laughing at yourself</p>
<p>Thanks Alum.</p>
<p>“My goal is not to think less of myself; my goal is to think of myself less.”<br>
My S told me that today.</p>
<p>This is wonderful advice for anyone. If you think about your classmates that everyone likes (as opposed to “popular”) you will discover that they follow this ideal. It’s hard. It’s easier to think of what, in our own life, follows a person’s comments. It takes practice to follow up with what they have done… plus you might discover new things about your classmates. George “only” got a 2100 on his SAT? He might have taught Bible classes at the homeless shelter. Sarah didn’t make the all-state team you did? Ask about her work at her family restaurant…</p>
<p>Make sure you just don’t randomly bring up stuff. Only respond when others inquire about a contest or something else you did. Most people don’t know I won state competitions or scored really well on something…at least until someone ELSE brings it up.</p>
<p>If you are to utilize guidance to find a soulmate, the first thing you need to do is learn to tell the difference between the voice of your inner teacher and that of your ego.</p>
<p>This is not really difficult, since your guide and your ego espouse entirely different thought systems. Indeed, cultures throughout the world seem to resonate with the idea that there is a high-minded influence within us that argues in favor of love, humility, and forgiveness, and that it is opposed by another that urges us to be egotistical, selfish, and judgmental.</p>
<p>The cartoons of my childhood, for example, depicted what I am calling ego as a little red devil whispering malicious advice into a character’s left ear, while a winged and haloed angel representing guidance spoke words of generosity and tolerance in the other.</p>