<p>How do you deal with this? A few years ago my mom was accusing my MIL ( to me only, not to MIL’s face) of taking random things from her home whenever we all got together at her house for a holiday, and then she’d be angry with me for not believing her. It became so chronic that at one point I told her that if she didn’t stop complaining to me about her, I would stop calling. She had also accused me of taking a couple of things she had given me years ago, (she’d see them in my home and insist they were hers) but it’s been several years and I thought she had stopped with this.</p>
<p>Yesterday, she called me in a panic that the spoon that was her late mother’s was missing. Yes, one of us must have taken it because it was there “for sure on Sunday before we came” for Mother’s Day. She had been searching all morning emptying all of her drawers and she was certain that it was nowhere in the house. She didn’t come right out and accuse MIL, but she excused everyone but her, " Dh wouldn’t care about it," Dd is too sweet to take something," “You wouldn’t take it- you’re getting everything anyway.” Of course, that left MIL. I told her that MIL sat on the couch, then went outside on the patio, then went into the car, all without ever stepping foot in the kitchen where the spoon was kept. She even agreed! After trying to reason with her for a half-hour, I realized that nothing I could say would change her mind. She said that if she didn’t find it, “I don’t think I can have your family over to my home anymore.” </p>
<p>I’m really trying not to let this get to me, and realize she must be suffering from dementia, but it’s heartbreaking. In so many ways she’s as sharp as ever. She takes care of herself, and no one would think she’s losing it if they weren’t close to her, and even then, what she says could be true if you didn’t know better. I’m so angry with her I don’t even want to see her or talk to her, but I know this isn’t really fair because it’s obviously dementia and she isn’t rational. I need to step back and not take it personally, but how?</p>
<p>Does your mom persist with these accusations…or is it stated and done? My mom accused folks of all kinds of things…but the next day if we had brought it up, she would NOT have remembered. We just listened and nodded our heads…then let it go.</p>
<p>If your mom has dementia, I believe some degree of paranoia is common. </p>
<p>If there is any way to smile and nod…then do so. It will be easier. Disagreeing with her will likely get you no where.</p>
<p>Of course, make sure her real valuables are locked away where no one CAN steal them!</p>
<p>This happened with a friend’s mom. She grew increasingly paranoid, accusing many people of stealing from her. They couldn’t get her help, a housekeeper or home health aide, because she would accuse them of things the family knows they didn’t do. Eventually, it extended to family. Just a few months ago, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.</p>
<p>Have you seen a therapist to help you deal with your mom? My friend in the above story IS a therapist, and she seems someone to help her.</p>
<p>I’m taking care of an elderly friend of my parents. She was admitted to the hospital last week because she was found in her AL facility very disoriented and confused. The diagnosis turned out to be a urinary tract infection, but while in the hospital she was experiencing what the doctor described as off the charts paranoia. They prescribed a very low dose of Olanzapine. I realize there’s a serious issue of over medication in the elderly, but when paranoia interferes with many other aspects of a normal life then it’s good to be aware of potential treatments. So far my elderly friend is still confused but the paranoia seems to have abated.</p>
<p>I’ve been an older adult social worker for 25 years. I also used to work for our local Alzheimer’s Association. As soon as I read your post I immediately did think that dementia is a possibility. I was wondering if the behavior is recent? If it is new and sudden onset there is also the chance it could be a urinary tract infection and to get her checked for that. If not, she may need a work-up with a neurologist who specializes in dementia. Your local chapter may have a listing of who to go to. I think having someone really assess a person is crucial to know what you are dealing with. Dementia is heart breaking as you said but getting some help early on can really help. With someone with dementia is can oftentimes be scary when you can’t remember what you have done with something and it is so much easier to blame someone else. Please contact your local chapter of Alzheimer’s Assoc- they can really help.</p>
<p>Extremely common with Alzheimer’s/dementia. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m not sure if you can explain to her (when she is not angry/paranoid) that this type of suspicion/“missing items” is a symptom of dementia, that she knows that her true valuables are safe (in a particular place), and nothing else matters. Just repeat that to her and don’t discuss it.</p>
<p>Unfortunately many elderly folks get so paranoid that they isolate themselves and will no longer have anyone in their homes because they are afraid that everyone–even closest family members–is stealing things from them. Does she feel that your MIL has “stolen” YOU from her? That could be part of her focus on your MIL.</p>
<p>We had a similar experience with a family member who lived in another state. What made it worse was they had a housekeeper that happened to show up right around when dementia set in. Only person they trusted. Sadly, that trust was misplaced.</p>
<p>My mother and MIL always were really competitive with each other. To the point that we stopped having them over at the same time. I just thought I’d throw that out there. Maybe you can help her “find” the spoon? Although that may not even help - then she’ll acuse you of taking it and bringing it back, or she’ll say that’s not the same spoon.</p>
<p>Others who have commented have more experience with this than I have, so please tell me if this suggestion is not a good one: I might want to warn your MIL that your mother is doing this so that, if your mother does confront her directly, your MIL is prepared for it and understands that it’s the dementia talking.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, I’ve seen this all too often. A resident can carry on for hours about someone stealing from her, often when she herself has hidden the item. The next day, they have forgotten all about the incident. A few weeks later, a repeat of same.</p>
<p>When living at home, they can accuse a cleaning person or private aide, and if they call police, get that person into serious trouble. Of course, sometimes things do go missing.</p>
<p>I’ve worked with family members and the person who has had things “stolen”. Try to find a therapist who has dealt with this problem often, and he/she can offer concrete suggestions. Very tough to see such bx in one’s own parent.</p>
<p>Good posts. Very common. We just went through this with a family member (my sister’s mother in law) who not only thought everyone was stealing from her, but also that her son was having an affair with her caregiver! I was horrified, but my sister and her husband (and the delightful caregiver) took it in stride. There was a medication adjustment, which, as was pointed out above, has risks, and it helped considerably. Unfortunately, the mother in law passed away a month ago at age 95.</p>
<p>Very common. If you go through her house, you’ll probably find things in strange places–for example: Depends in the freezer, jewelry in the hamper, money in drawers, etc. </p>
<p>Don’t take it personally. It’s a very common symptom of Alzheimer’s. The big thing to look out for is malnutrition or weight gain. They either forget to eat (thinking they’ve all ready eaten) or they eat too much (forgetting that they’ve all ready eaten). Usually, it’s forgetting to eat (and drink) that’s the problem. </p>
<p>Hopefully, the family will consider having a home health aide come into her home every day to make sure she’s eating her meals, taking her meds properly, and taking care of personal hygiene.</p>
<p>Moonchild, so sorry to hear about your mom. It is very difficult knowing how angry and frightened they are due to paranoia. It is even more difficult to get them evaluated and take medication, because, “I’m not the one with the problem, it’s you”. Come join us on the parents caring for parents thread.</p>
<p>This happened with my own mother at one stage of her Alzheimer’s. We changed medications often to combat it. It did lessen with the right treatment. Please get her to a neurologist and look at options. Your family needs to be informed.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone. In so many ways she’s still sharp. She sees a doctor regularly and she also recently had back surgery. If this were the first time she’s shown this paranoid behavior, I might think it was her surgery meds or something transient, like a urinary tract infection (which she does get.)<br>
I may try to find a therapist to help me with this because I find it overwhelming. As some of you know, I have Stage IV BC, and I think her behavior pushes what I feel I can handle. I love to know if it’s better to ignore, or to try to set her straight when she blames us for her missing things. So far I’ve argued, and it does no good. A couple of years ago she was really on this “MIL steals” kick, but she was ok for awhile. Now, it seems, it’s back. I should talk to her doctor about a referral for her to get checked out. She’ll need to go through her health care system. If I suggest it, it won’t happen. Her doc needs to do it.</p>
<p>It’s really rough, mc. I’m sorry for all you’re going through. I started to take part in the parents helping parents thread but would get too depressed reading it. And, thankfully, things have turned around, somewhat, with my dad. The driver’s license is gone, and he’s dealing with it, which has made my mom calm down, too.</p>
<p>I have lunch with my friend the therapist regularly to get my head shrunk. Actually, we shrink each others’ heads!</p>
<p>mc, what you describe is common for people with dementia. It’s not worth arguing with them…I’ve learned this the hard way with my own mother.</p>
<p>If you’re looking for a therapist, try to find someone who specializes in geriatrics. My mother was evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist when her symptoms started. The meds he put her on didn’t eliminate the paranoia but al least diminished it.</p>
<p>We had somebody in our family develop extreme paranoia and accuse people of stealing things. I may not be remembering this exactly right, but I believe she was on blood thinners (Coumadine?) for a heart condition and the consensus was that that caused paranoia. She did not have Alzheimers or dementia. The result was similar to dementia and it certainly did not make anyone’s lives easier but it was really a symptom of the medication.</p>
<p>mc, I’m so sorry for all you’re going through.</p>
<p>Sometimes supportive siblings are the only way to get through. My brother was helpful. We’d be at our mother’s house, and we’d have dialogue like this:
Where’d you put the big platter?
Haven’t seen it. I thought you stole that last month?
No, it wasn’t the platter. I stole the soup tureen.
Oh, that’s right. Well I hope you stole the ladle that goes with it. </p>
<p>My mother developed paranoia also. She used to keep all the drapes drawn, and she sat really far from the TV so that she couldn’t been seen from the window. She always kept the downstairs lights on though. She kept the lights on so that robbers would know she was home, but kept the blinds drawn so a rapist would think no one was home. </p>
<p>All I can say is bear with it, realize it’s normal with age. Best of luck and a cyber hug to you.</p>
<p>MC- You need to figure out what is the least stressful for YOU. The fact that your mom has been suspicious of your MIL in the past makes it seem a little different from something stemming from dementia or a UTI. My advice would be to do as little as possible. You need to take care of yourself right now and one thing I have learned is trying to be reasonable with someone who is being unreasonable is a fool’s work. </p>
<p>Maybe the best thing to do would be just to ask her when she says your MIL has stolen something is to ask her how you can help. Back off explaining, or trying to show her how illogical she is being - just a simple, “What can I do to help?” Who knows what is at the root of her feelings, but she clearly does not want your MIL to be there. </p>
<p>Let others in your family deal with your mom for now. You need to conserve your strength.</p>
Actually, we shrink each others’ heads!</p>