My mom has breast cancer. I just spent a week there and will be going back next week because she has to have more lymph nodes removed. I think because I’m not there all the time that I can see things my two siblings can’t.
My mom is starting to lose it. She’s 84, and my dad is 88. We no longer let him drive, with a doctor’s backup. If my mom didn’t drive, it would be a blow to her, and my siblings would have to take up the slack. She is physically in great shape – people regularly think she’s 10-15 years younger than she is – and my dad really depends on her. I am feeling hesitant to put my foot down on this because it’ll be a burden on my siblings more than me. I’ve driven with her where she drove the wrong way down the road. That was about a year ago. This week, she went to look for a water fountain in the hallway outside the doctor’s office and didn’t come back. I went looking for her and couldn’t find her anywhere. She finally emerges from the men’s room. WTH?
Any advice?
What do your siblings say when you share these kind of stories with them? Do your parents live in a city served by Uber?
My sister was there for the bathroom one. My brother is in denial.
The great news is my brother has really stepped up. He takes my dad out every Saturday so my mom can have alone time and Dad can see his old haunts. My sister always feels put upon. She talks a great game and has taken our mom to appointments and stuff, but she is really wrapped up in her own life and isn’t very nurturing to them. When my dad had brain surgery a few years ago she insisted that she be the medical contact, but then she didn’t go to his follow-up appts, which created lots of issues. I told her then that if she’s going to be the main medical contact then she has to be there for appts or we can get our brother to do it. She wasn’t having that … she wants control without the responsibility. But she did get better after that.
One thing I hate about being up there for any length of time is that all the old baggage comes back. My sister and I never have been close, and I know that that’s coloring how I handle this. If I felt like it wouldn’t cause major drama then I would push the case more.
They do have Uber, but they don’t have smart phones thankfully. I can’t imagine what kind of trouble they’d get into with the internet available. There’s a city transportation service for the elderly, but after my dad’s surgery my brother shot that down – again, because he’s in denial and doesn’t want to admit that we’re at that place. My mom was excited by the idea back then!
I guess I’m wondering what those of you who are in the same city as your elderly parents would think about the sibing who isn’t there making suggestions about their care.
Youdon’tsay, I haven’t had to deal with exactly this situation, so I can offer is my sympathy to you and your sibs.
Is there any possibility that these two episodes were caused by a vision problem; that is, difficulty reading signs?
Oh, Consolation, thank you. And that’s a wonderful thought, that it’s related to her vision. She is supposed to wear one contact when she drives, but she chooses to not wear one at all. Greeeeeaaaat. But I like the idea of getting her eyes checked. That would be a good first step to take that wouldn’t feel too “scary.”
I’d definitely do that. Maybe she would do better with glasses. Easier to put on/remove. I can completely understand not wanting to bother to put in a contact lens when you think you have one perfectly functional eye!
Now, if we could persuade my mother to get hearing aids…
She can have one of my dad’s four pair as he never wears them!
The glasses might explain the driving, too…and if her eyes are not correctable for driving, you have the eye doctor telling your mom this rather than you or a sib. (Poke the eye doc in advance about viewing the appt as an assessment of her ability to drive, at least from the vision angle.)