<p>I feel for all those here with recent losses. My parents are elderly, intensely private, and it has been a difficult relationship. My mother just sent a check to one of my children for a birthday. It was dated 2014. This seems to be the first sign that things may possibly be slipping, and I don’t know what to do.</p>
<p>2kids–does someone in the family have financial and health care power of attorney? DEo your parents have end of life directives, like what they want done or not done to keep them alive? Are they living in a place where assistance is available? Or are they on a waiting list? Are they still driving and maybe shouldn’t be?</p>
<p>Great questions, bethievt. I don’t know any of the answers. They intentionally moved far from anyone in the family some years ago and live by themselves without assistance. They discourage visits. I don’t think they have friends. This seems to be what they want, but as they age, it is scary.</p>
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Truer words have never been spoken!</p>
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You gave your love. Even Jesus would say you did what you thought was best according to what was in your heart. You should never feel badly about that.</p>
<p>Please know that your loved one felt your love. That is all you need to remember. “Nagging” is love, as they showed their love for you, you did for them as well. None of us have a roadmap for this and there are huge variations anyway. Be kind to yourself–your loved one is smiling down on you from heaven or wherever you and s/he believe s/he went. 
We all just do the best we can and us mere mortals have to be satisfied with that.</p>
<p>Hope you have received some comfort from those urging you not to feel regret. And, consider it a tribute to your father that you have posted on this site and urged others to be aware of the signs of approaching death.</p>
<p>Hospice info was a huge help to my spouse when he was with his mother for the last few weeks of her life. He was amazed at how the physical, mental and emotional changes during that time period were nearly exactly like what was described in the hospice materials.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss and the stress of trying to do right by your relative every day. I use a parenting analogy for later life/dying issues. Just like you don’t know your toddler won’t eat small toys until they are completely through that phase, or that the second nap is really gone, etc., you don’t always know when an ill person or elder is going down hill for the last time. Often, there are several times before they die when you are not sure if “this is it”. Only the passage of time holds the answer. It is humbling, but please be reassured that the “pros” often get it wrong. My mother was on hospice for 10 months before she died. I was advised it would likely be less than 2 months. She outlived all expectations, with a good quality of life.</p>
<p>However a loved one leaves, there are always tradeoffs. So many people say they would love to die in there sleep, without fanfare or anticipation. This can be tough on those left behind, who wanted to be able to say goodbye, but a merciful exit.</p>
<p>Please be good to yourself. You did everything to help and without your ongoing support, things could have been so much worse.</p>
<p>Worknprogress, I can’t respond to your private message because your inbox is full. If you clear it, I’ll send my message. :)</p>
<p>2kidsnoanswers:</p>
<p>I think you or one of your siblings should try to convince your parents to accept your help or at least to help you by giving you some information. Many of the elderly are subject to fraud and simply mistakes that can end up costing them a lot of money which can in turn affect other practicalities such as whether they can afford to live in assisted living facility or a nice nursing facility. They need to understand it’s in their best interests to involve a helpful child such as yourself before any damage is done. They also need to know it’s in the best interests of their kids as well financially, logistically, and for peace of the kids’ minds.</p>
<p>This might involve helping them out by using their own finances to make sure the bills are paid on time and so they don’t pay lots of late fees or get canceled from something like long term care insurance or secondary health insurance due to non-payment of the premium. You can also help them by suggesting less expensive ways to get what they want - i.e. if they’re paying people for services who are charging far more than the norm or something. </p>
<p>The above can be made simpler if you have online access to their banking. You could setup bill pay and monitor that it’s all done correctly.</p>
<p>On the health front side it’s best to have some confidence they’re taking any meds correctly since this is another area that suffers once they’re not as cognizant as they used to be and it can be dangerous.</p>
<p>In addition, if something does take a quick turn for them, you need to know where their important documents are, ideally things will be put in a trust so you can try to avoid probate, you could take care of their financial business if needed, etc.</p>
<p>Of course that all requires their cooperation but it’s best to start working on that now since it can be too late later. I don’t mean to sound morbid - just practical.</p>
<p>Thank you, GGG. I called my mother today, didn’t get far. She said things are ‘in the garage’ and ‘in the safe at the bank’. She didn’t seem concerned nor feel the need for any further elaboration.</p>
<p>My MIL, who lives alone, is worse. She has 3 grown kids who are finance MBAs but she refuses to discuss things with them at all. She even hired a financial advisor instead of asking her very capable kids for a plan. Now that her money has been frittered away, she is completely financially dependent on the kids but refuses to say where the money goes. I last heard her boasting about her recent tummy tuck…this is money her kids gave her for sustenance; the grandkids could have used those funds.</p>
<p>Maybe this is all just a heads-up for all those who read this post - please cooperate with your kids when your time comes, and get your affairs in order so as not to cause heartache for your loved ones later. None of us will live forever.</p>
<p>All of your parents sound like nice people. My step-dad died of lung cancer last year and my mom was totally shocked! He had gone through chemo on and off for a year and was obviously very ill. We moved mom into a life care community after he died and she is miserable; she was already a very unhappy person but now she is impossible. I wonder sometimes if she will be this mean for years and years…</p>
<p>My dad refused to eat too and died shortly after that. What I don’t regret is that I ignored all the advice of bring my dad good nutritionous food. He wanted junk food and I brought him junk food. He had fun eating them.</p>