<p>Hello, I know that many of us are dealing with elderly parents and I just want to share some advice. I recently lost my father, who was living with us. In the few weeks before his death, he seemed to be slowly declining, but none of his health care professionals recognized this as the early stage of dying. His last two weeks at home were very stressful, he was not eating or sleeping. He had a couple of minor falls and had me on alert 24 hours a day. I did not understand what was happening and pushed him to eat, fussing at him when he did not. I thought he was just being difficult, when he was actually in the early stage of dying. When my dad was transfered to hospice, I was given a booklet that explained about the stages of dying and I immediately recognized that this is what had been happening with my dad for the previous few weeks. I felt so badly that our last few weeks together were so stressful. Had I known the signs ahead of time, I would have recognized what was happening with my dad and I would have done things very differently. I urge you all to visit your local hospice or look online for information on the stages of dying. I regret with my whole heart that I did not have this information ahead of time.</p>
<p>Thank you for that powerful message. I have heard similar stories from friends. Also have heard that sometimes the dying will ‘rally’ - eating, being engaged and animated right before their actual departure.</p>
<p>Hugs and prayers being sent to you. I know this path is right in front of me, dad is 91 and mom is 86. They live a 1.5 hr drive from my home and each time the phone rings at a unexpected hour or I see their caller ID my whole being goes into fight/flight mode thinking - is this THE call.</p>
<p>Thanks for your post, fishy. I’m going to look this up. </p>
<p>And, sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>Oh Fishy, I’m sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>My mom was not living with us, but her nurses were very attuned to what was happening to her the week of her death…and alerted us to this on a daily basis. I’m surprised the caregivers of your dad were not better informed about this.</p>
<p>Thank you for sharing with us…it will surely help someone in the future.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>I think it is very natural for all of us to want a person to do every possible thing to stay as healthy as possible. My Dad had an untreatable cancer diagnosis for several years. My mother was always after him to eat better- he always ate junk food- in hopes of giving his body the best tools to deal best with the issues. About a year before he died, she complained to his doctor. The Doc turned and said, “For Dad, any calorie is a good calorie, if he wants ice cream, chocolate, and potato chips, that’s what he should eat”</p>
<p>Quite a surprise to hear it that clearly, but it did help her (and the rest of us) to nag him less. Also, along the way they explained that at some point no matter what he ate, he would not properly absorb nutrients as his body was no longer working ‘right’ and so we should not stress anything about what he chose to eat.</p>
<p>Thanks for that information, sadly enough I am sure it’s the sort of information that will be very useful for me within the next few years. And I’m so sorry for your loss.</p>
<p>We have all gone to lamaze classes (haven’t we all?) and I watched that C-section video, so we know everything about giving birth but few of us know much about dying.</p>
<p>The saddest thing my Mom said when my Dad passed away, was that if she had known he had only a week left to live during his last illness she would have let him have the scotch and soda he wanted.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for generously sharing what you learned. I, along with many others, are sort of bumbling through this stage of our lives. I COULD use a class. You say that your dad was living with you - well if that was the case, please don’t second guess yourself. I am sure you made his last years more pleasant because of your kindness. How very unselfish of you. </p>
<p>I have said so many times that this journey would be easier if I knew how long I would have my folks. It may sound terrible, but I would then know how to pace myself!</p>
<p>And yes to the scotch and soda! Recently my mom has decided she would like to have a glass of beer every night. She never liked wine or mixed drinks, but she always enjoyed a glass of beer. My parents are living in a retirement community that is affiliated with the Church of the Brethren, so mom’s big concern is disposing the cans. Somehow, she thinks if she puts them in the recyclable bin someone will discover her secret. So, she just puts them in a shopping bag and I remove them periodically. The other night I was visiting and she had a bag of cans for me. While I was there, the evening caregiver - a lovely mennonite woman, came by to check on pills. There was the shopping bag, filled to the brim with beer cans. I looked at my mom, draped my coat over the bag and proceeded to chat. When I was leaving, my mom - who is showing signs of dementia - followed me out to the hall and gave me a big smile and thumbs up and said, “Thanks, that was close!” It was a remarkable moment of clarity and conspiracy with mom. And I just loved it.</p>
<p>Sorry about your father. I went through almost the same thing a couple of years ago with my father. About six weeks before he died he started declining almost like your father. He refused food, fell a couple of times etc. He didn’t have any trouble sleeping though, could sleep all day if we let him. About two weeks before he died his doctor realized he wasn’t going to improve. My mother still wouldn’t give up trying to get him to eat until about two days before he died. I live 400 miles away and had made a few trips but was not there when he died, although I saw him a few days before and was able to say goodbye then.
It was hard but as I said to my mother it was just time for his body to go. His mind and body went at the same time, which in a way was fortunate.</p>
<p>You could not have known that would happen.</p>
<p>A few years ago my mother and our elderly neighbor were good friends. They had talked the morning before about getting goats or something similar to annoy the landlord (who was her brother). A few hours later she called having heart problems.</p>
<p>Mother rushed her to the hospital but she “died” in the car along the way (maybe a 2 minute drive). They were able to ressessitate her enough for her family to say good bye. Her husband died two weeks later.</p>
<p>You just don’t know when a person’s time comes.</p>
<p>fishymom, my dad also died a week or so ago. This was exactly how things went for him and we didn’t know either. I think it might have been even harder for my mom if she realized what was happening.</p>
<p>I just want you to know that someone else went through exactly what you are going through. I am so happy I was able to spend time with him right before and even if I was nagging, I was still there. My sister was not able to get time off work and did not recognize what was going on and she missed him. I am so sad for her.</p>
<p>This is more painful to write than I thought. It’s just very raw right now. But as my mom says, she won’t wish him back how he was.</p>
<p>We were fortunate to have a palliative care service for my Mom the last year of her life. It was all about her comfort and that’s the way it should be. They only treated what she wanted treated.</p>
<p>fishymom–you did your loving best with the info you had at the time.</p>
<p>Worknprogress2- loved your story! I was raised in the Church of the Brethren, am of Amish descent, and my parents are preparing for a move into a Mennonite Retirement Community, so I could identify with your story. Priceless.</p>
<p>fishymom, deb922 – so sorry for your recent loss. </p>
<p>I have often wondered about that – how do you know when it’s the end. In the movies, the music wells up, the camera comes in for a close up, and people know that now is the time to say I love you or whatever they want to be their parting words. I think when someone I love is in that position, I’ll reach out to hospice care people. It sounds like they have a lot of experience dealing with the end of life and they know how to communicate with the caregivers.</p>
<p>sorry again</p>
<p>“I have often wondered about that – how do you know when it’s the end”</p>
<p>having been through this three times now with family and friends, the “rally” that dietz199 mentions happened all three times approx 7-9 days prior to death…</p>
<p>While this is extremely difficult, I do agree that nobody tells us any of this…and realizing it, in hindsight, is not the best…</p>
<p>thank you, fishymom, for posting…and condolences to all on this thread who have suffered a recent loss…</p>
<p>Yes, a friend just had her husband die the other day. She just thought he was sleepy and increasingly uncooperative. He also was in the process of dying.</p>
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<p>This! I was working on the idea that we had weeks of Hospice and it was only days; I would change so many small things.</p>
<p>Sorry for those with recent losses. i know it is tough. I spent the last 6 weeks of my mom’s life with her last year until she died in July.(I live out of town but went to her home for her last weeks). somemom,she had home health care but I wish we had moved to hospice earlier. She was only in hospice the last 10 days of her life at home. The booklet that the hospice people gave us was helpful about knowing what to look for. Her appetite greatly decreased and she began having trouble swallowing at the end. The aide that bathed her pulled me aside and said she had seen “mottling” when she bathed her. She said that is often a sign that the end was near. She was gone within 24 hours. I do recommend hospice. They were very helpful and wish we had gone in that direction a little earlier. But as others have said, you can’t look back with regrets. All you can do is your best. It is very difficult.</p>
<p>Well, i suppose you could look at it this way; your loved ones would not want you to hurt badly :<</p>
<p>Perhaps it would be a good idea to plant a gaurden or a tree in their honor.</p>