<p>CF, I think your niece is doing the right thing, and honestly you are being too nice and pretty much giving your mom a pass. Call a spade a spade – you should also tell her that her comment is anti-Semitic, potentially hurtful to the bride and groom, and that she should zip it from now until eternity on this particular topic. She can think what she wants to, but she shouldn’t let it come out of her mouth. And stick with that message if she repeats it. </p>
<p>Old dogs CAN learn new tricks – my 84 year old mom recently apologized to me for something rude she said (and had said repeatedly my whole life) when I finally stood up to her and got angry. Took her a few weeks (and I stopped contacting her during that time)… but she called, apologized, and said she would never say it to me again… now, she tried it on D1 when D1 visited a few weeks later, but D1 was tuned in and informed my mom that it was never acceptable to make this particular criticism. So Mom stopped it, at least for the rest of that visit.</p>
<p>Sometimes a united front with several people telling someone that their comment is unacceptable will get through to them (not always, of course!). But if your mom doesn’t know you consider it offensive, she will certainly keep saying it (at least to you). And I think you owe it to the bride to push back on this so she maybe thinks twice before spouting it at the wedding to someone she shouldn’t!</p>
<p>This reminds me of FIL, when we announced DDs engagement to a guy with a Biblical name, his religion was the first question and stated in an offensive way. What is it about the older generation that is so freely bigoted? My parents really raised us to be color blind and I see my family as color blind unless confronted with the prejudices of others, mixed race dating and marriages happen with no comment or thought about that aspect.</p>
<p>Yes, I’m sorry to say. This attitude is not new. But I don’t want to listen to her views. Thanks, everyone, for your excellent advice. While she is visiting, and in the future, I will make it clear that her comments about Handsome Groom’s religion are unwelcome.</p>
<p>The wedding is not for another year, so we’ll have a long time of talking about it before it happens.</p>
<p>CF this really strikes a chord. My MIL seems to have lost her filter and I posted about it here a couple of weeks ago. She seems to say whatever comes to mind. On this I confronted her and I think it went well. She did not bring it up again and she knows she hurt my feelings and I think after all this time she respects me and knows that I only would confront her on something I feel strongly about. </p>
<p>But and this is a big but. A year or so ago one of the grandchildren started dated an African American boy and oh my she had a problem with this. We and her parents told her that we had no problems with this. We told her we didn’t want to talk about it but to no avail. She did not want granddaughter dating an African American boy and she told anyone and everyone about it. I told my H that he needed to tell her to knock it off and he told me I must be wrong. That his mother was not prejudiced because she didn’t raise him that way. </p>
<p>The funny thing is she had a cow and said that she didn’t think people should date outside their race but favorite grandsons long term girlfriend is Asian and she doesn’t have a problem with them. </p>
<p>I find it very sad but am at a loss on how to confront prejudice with people of our parents age.</p>
<p>Youdontsay, he was right there when she was talking but as with all things his mother does he has selective hearing and of course his mother does nothing wrong. It’s so annoying.</p>
<p>Even though he was right there and heard everything she told me, he told me she didn’t mean it the way I heard it. I think people hear what they want to hear and my H didn’t want to believe that his mother is a bigot and therefore she is not. </p>
<p>I wonder if, when she keeps repeating it, she’s looking for validation. Sometimes, rather than rebuke, it works to blandly agree, in a way that isn’t critical of anything or anyone: yes, Grandma, he IS Jewish. Or, you’re right, they aren’t getting married in the Catholic church. (The end.)</p>
<p>When my mother was young, in her town, the Polish priest wouldn’t let parishioners attend a non-Catholic wedding without permission. Scandalized the family that my mother had a judge perform (and they eloped.) Then again, my father’s not very observant Jewish family was equally upset.</p>
<p>"To say nothing is to allow her to think that you agree with her. "</p>
<p>This. Keep speaking up. Old dogs absolutely CAN learn new tricks. My grandmother was one of them. And more than one well-known person has come out to say they changed their mind over time regarding some prejudice.</p>
<p>I am married to a black man, I have a biracial D, and I have family members who are racist. Every time they say or post something racist, I call them on it. It’s uncomfortable, and it pains me that we are not as close, but letting them think that I am ok with their opinions has never been an option. My D has learned to call them on it too, though a bit more respectfully that I might.</p>
<p>Several years ago, my aunt and I went to the heart of Mississippi to visit with elderly relatives. It had been more than 40 years since I’d seen them, but my aunt wanted a traveling companion and I used the opportunity to get additional information for the family tree. While there, the 84-year-old male relative asked me what I thought of N-word. I gasped and his 60-something daughter said, “Daddy, that word is offensive to some people.” I confirmed that the word is, indeed, offensive to me and told him I’d hoped we’d progressed more than that. I also once had an elderly patient who let me know he didn’t appreciate having a “n-word nurse” on the earlier shift. I told him I didn’t appreciate that word and especially didn’t appreciate it directed at the person to whom he was referring. He was nasty for the remainder of my shift and I hated every minute that I had to care for him.</p>
<p>There’s a difference between setting boundaries (okay) and correcting an adult’s manners (not okay.) Your niece is setting boundaries when she says it’s not acceptable to comment on her fianc</p>
<p>What is wrong with correcting an adult’s manner’s when they say something bigoted or racist? My D1 put my racist dad in his place once when we were getting ready to go to a family visit day at an inner city middle school summer program where D1 was teaching English. My dad made a comment about the “n-word” kids we were going to see, and D1 told him in no uncertain terms that if he could not keep his racist opinion to himself, he was not welcome to attend the event. My dad was stunned (he thinks D1 walks on water), and actually embarrassed. He hurried to say that of course he wouldn’t say that at the event, and we all went without incident. I was VERY proud of D1 for immediately calling her grandfather on this unacceptable behavior. Correcting behavior isn’t just for little kids – big people also need it sometimes, and I see nothing wrong with it.</p>
<p>There are rude and polite ways to let an elder know that s/he has crossed the line. Saying “Grandma, I find that word disgusting and ask you not to use it in my presence” is polite. Saying “Grandma, I’m sick of you being a bigot!” is rude even when it’s true, especially if said in front of others. If it’s someone you’re close to, I think you can speak from the heart in private, but keeping the tone civil is always the right move at a wedding or holiday party.</p>
<p>If he hadn’t gotten it, we would have left him home. Seriously. Not that he has dropped the word from his vocabulary or thinking, but he wouldn’t use it around D1 any more.</p>
<p>Not sure I’d put it that way, Hanna. How about: “I find that word difficult and judgmental-?” </p>
<p>I know, intparent- the challenge is how to show we find a word or attitude unacceptable without appearing to call the person unacceptable. And, make it stick. Not that different than childrearing. </p>
<p>It’s when the attempts just don’t work that you have to reinvent. GDad can miss the show. It’s a shame when a GMa has to miss a wedding. Frustrating.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry you feel that way, Grandma.” Not, “Sheesh aren’t you the Anti-Semite!” Influencing (even if that means drawing a line) versus accusing. But, listen, I may be splitting hairs or it may be that, in my family, we had to correct diplomatically.</p>
<p>My children just simply say “Grandma” when one of our mothers says anything inappropriate. That seems to interject the right amount of shame on behalf of their elders. While my mother, in particular, would like her grandchildren to walk on eggshells around her, they refuse to do so. My MIL is a bit less tuned in, but my kids have a disapproving tune that even gets to her.</p>
But he’s gotten better through the years.</p>