<p>I say call her out on her anti-Semitism. My in-laws had a tendency to make homophobic remarks and my daughter called them out on it every time.</p>
<p>I am Catholic. I think there is a difference between being upset because your granddaughter is marrying outside the Church and being an anti-Semite. If grandma does a song and dance about the fact that the young man is Jewish, yes, correct her. If she just is upset that her granddaughter is getting married outside the Church, I think you are wrong to correct her IF she isn’t saying it to the bride or the bride’s immediate family. </p>
<p>Using the N word and being upset when your granddaughter is about to do something which you honestly and sincerely believe is morally wrong are two different things, IMO. YMMV.</p>
<p>I can’t wrap my head around the idea that it would be ok for her to be intolerant because of her religion. That the Church believes this is a reason she has been taught intolerance. That she acts this way is separate. </p>
<p>We had a version of this in my family in the generation older than me when the mother had great difficulty accepting a convert as a daughter-in-law. (And in the tradition, the convert would not have been accepted because the conversion wasn’t Orthodox. The mother wasn’t religious at all but her brother was an Orthodox rabbi. You can see the issue.) But she was told to suck it up and act nicer. She still had issues and as I got older I told her bluntly she was wrong. She was my grandmother and I had a very good relationship with her. </p>
<p>In other words, saying “Well, she’s Catholic” is a reason why she may be intolerant but it isn’t an excuse for her continuing to be intolerant.</p>
<p>Based on your comment, I guess you can’t “wrap your head around” the fact that having strongly held religious beliefs isn’t the same as being intolerant and that conduct based on strongly held beliefs isn’t “separate” from your faith.</p>
<p>Your example isn’t analogous because the mother wasn’t religious at all. What if the brother, the Orthodox rabbi, had a daughter who was getting married to a Catholic in a civil ceremony and he was very upset about it? Does that make him “intolerant?” I don’t think so. YMMV.</p>
<p>My observant Jewish friends don’t think I’m an anti-anything for wanting my offspring to marry in our faith–because they feel exactly the same way about theirs.</p>
<p>My GF was a 30 year navy man and whatever filter he may have had was gone by the time I was born. He didn’t like fat people, blacks, Mexicans, women who wore too much makeup, women who wore skimpy clothes, etc. You name it, he had an opinion. He didn’t come to my wedding, he didn’t want to sit that long was his reason. Fine by me, that was one less thing to deal with. We had a video done of our wedding, so i took it to him so he could see our special day.</p>
<p>GF starts watching and when he sees my slightly overweight hubby, he starts with the comments… you know H would look better if he’d just…</p>
<p>Before he got any farther, I stopped him and said GF, I married him, you didn’t. If you want to argue, continue on. Otherwise shut up or change the subject. I’d hate to have to compare my hubbys weight to yours. 
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<p>He smiled…and changed the subject. Being nice and polite never worked with him. You had to tell him what you wanted. Plus I think he liked to stir the pot. As a pot stirer myself, I think I get that from him. But I’m not a bigot or racist. This is the 21st century. Some people just need to get with it.</p>
<p>Good luck</p>
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<p>But so often it is the same… just masked by something we call “religion”. Still about holding someone’s “otherness” against them, which is just another name for intolerance.</p>
<p>"Not sure I’d put it that way, Hanna. How about: “I find that word difficult and judgmental-?” "</p>
<p>I guess it depends on the word. To me, a difficult and judgmental word would be something like “goy,” where tone and context mean a lot. If we’re talking about the kind of poisoned slur that would be bleeped on TV, I’d be more inclined to (politely) put it in stronger terms.</p>
<p>“There’s only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people’s cultures and the Dutch.”</p>
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<p>I agree. Hoping that your children or grandchildren will get married in a church or synagogue, and continue to identify with a heritage or a faith is not bigoted in and of itself. And yes, many Jewish families feel that way, too. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/01/us/poll-shows-major-shift-in-identity-of-us-jews.html?_r=0[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/01/us/poll-shows-major-shift-in-identity-of-us-jews.html?_r=0</a></p>
<p>I think the most you can say about this scenario is that the grandmother is becoming repetitive on a subject that is already a done deal.</p>
<p>Yes, hoping your kids stay within your own faith is common and understandable, but once a grandkid has a fiance, commenting on the groom’s religion and viewing that as a negative is quite different.</p>
<p>Just want to share that my mom, 84 yrs old, has become very open minded and progressive as she’s aged. I admire and respect this about her. She openly supports same sex marriage, accepts interfaith and interracial relationships. She accepts that the world has changed and we humans need to move forward too. So not necessary to assume that “elderly” have only one way to believe or behave</p>
<p>jonri, wanting your child to marry in your upbringing - religious, cultural, whatever - is natural. Being intolerant about the choice that has already been made is … intolerant. And saying or implying that, well, it’s okay to be intolerant because the Church teaches that you should marry in your faith - as other religions also do - takes the reason why this person is acting intolerant and excuses her behavior inappropriately. Whatever the Church teaches, her personal conduct is the issue, not why she believes what she believes. Wanting is not the same as acting. And I’m sure Pope Francis would say the woman should find it in her heart to be welcoming and accepting of the choice made instead of acting like poison.</p>
<p>I want my kids to marry Jews - mostly because I think the world needs more Jews and I see tremendous value in the existence of Jewish thinking and methods of analysis. But if one marries a Catholic, my hope is that the person is nice and a good spouse and, I hope, parent of my grandchildren. My religion is more exclusivist than Christianity because the conversion process is long and involved - and isn’t even recognized by Israel unless it’s done through Orthodox rabbis (and this is a huge fight in Judaism now). Remember Fiddler on the Roof? What happens to Chava? She marries a Christian and is cut off from the family … with hints of reconciliation as their world in Russia falls apart. So my religion teaches this and yet … decent people don’t act that way. Tevye was living in almost pre-industrial Russia. We live in 21st Century America.</p>
<p>The OP stated that the mom IS anti-semitic. Religion aside, she is a known bigot.</p>
<p>My mom has also mellowed with age. When my dad was alive, she followed his lead but now that he’s gone, she has become more tolerant and accepting.</p>
<p>My problem is one of our younger relatives. He likes to shock the crowd by saying rude things about minorities. Most recently he bated me in a conversation asking if my D was still dating that black kid (in a very disparaging tone). I said no and then he said “Oh yeah, that’s right, she’s dating a JEW now.” Well, that was it, I called him out on right then and there in front of his girlfriend and my nephew’s new girlfriend. You could have cut the awkwardness with a knife when I was done with him.</p>
<p>I, obviously, believe in confronting this issue head on. If the bigot is rude enough to make hateful comments in front of others, why should we not correct them under the same circumstances?</p>
<p>“Just want to share that my mom, 84 yrs old, has become very open minded and progressive as she’s aged.”</p>
<p>91-year-old Carl Reiner was on Bill Maher on Friday, and he’s a bigger pinko than ever. It warmed my bleeding heart.</p>
<p>“he’s a bigger pinko than ever”… hee hee. The only thing better than a big old pinko is a big old RICH pinko ;)</p>
<p>I believe that silence=assent. Your niece is doing the right thing in speaking up. You should speak up too, and not allow the grandmother to dismiss the niece as the family PITA.</p>
<p>Ahh, that pinko has come a long way since he lived on Bonnie Meadow Road…</p>
<p>My DH is active with a group of war veterans. We say that the line form their brain to their mouth gets shorter every day, and the filter is totally gone. Those old codgers will say anything, and they don’t care who is around them. They badger the speakers that come to talk to them, they yell at each other, you name it. But their age does not excuse their behavior. Its tacky and uncouth. They bark orders like they are still in WWII. I have yet to say anything to them, but its not my place. If grandma offended me/my soon to be family, I’d be less diplomatic. Unless this granny is struggling with dementia and has no capacity to control what comes out of her mouth, then by all means , let her know her opinions are to be kept to herself.</p>
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Thank you, lindz - I work at a senior center and completely agree. I do see a tendency amongst folks with age-related cognitive issues to filter less; the good news is that not every senior has those issues.</p>
<p>I’ll take this as a chance to brag about my late grandmother, who died last year at the age of 100. She had very little education, but read widely and had an unusual ability to see from other peoples’ perspectives. She was pro-gay rights before the word “gay” acquired its current meaning. And woe betide any of her kin who might make a dismissive comment about another religion. She was one of the great blessings of my life.</p>
<p>(And Mel Brooks showed up on Barefoot Contessa, which made me happy.)</p>
<p>The comment from the younger kid would rankle me, too. I do correct them, firmly. But does the age of our older relatives allow us to fight fire with some pretty obvious fire- or are there other ways to firmly communicate it’s unacceptable? Maybe our tone can’t come through on posts.</p>
<p>My grandmother was quite liberal on social issues, much tougher on certain family members. We drew a line without engaging in the same style she used.</p>
<p>I also think there’s a somewhat blurry line between being intolerant and preferring that your child or grandchild marry within the family faith. It reminds me of the other thread in which the dad, a graduate of Michigan, doesn’t want his daughter to go to MSU. How you feel about it is one thing, what you say about it (and to whom, and when) is something else, and what you do about it is something else again. Certainly, there are people who take more radical steps than comments when relatives marry outside the family faith.</p>
<p>During a visit with my parents shortly after my daughter was born my father came forth with a racist comment. I had grown up with this - Dad was an intelligent man who never felt the need to rise above the world in which he grew up and his parenting style was such that as a girl I never would have confronted him on the issue. The first time it happened after my daughter was born I looked him in the eye, told him that I loved him but would not come to his home again and he would not be welcome in mine if he ever said a racist thing in front of my family. He knew that I meant it and it never happened again.</p>
<p>The threat of not knowing one’s grandchildren is a powerful thing…and may I state for the record that Dad was one of those rare birds who actually broadened his outlook a bit in his old age. I was very proud of him.</p>
<p>You don’t have to put up with ridiculousness from an aging family member.</p>