My brother eloped, and my parents were very hurt.
Obviously each couple is different and I’m sure people can elope and have happy marriages and good family relationships. In my sister in law’s case, however, it was a harbinger of her terrible relationships with family, both her own and my brother’s. And the marriage ended very bitterly in divorce years later.
@cinnamon1212 that’s why in my OP I said that there weren’t any family issues. I can see eloping to avoid the whole horrible scene that dysfunctional families can be.
In our case, we actually are traveling to their new town for T’giving, as is her whole family (parents from OOS and brother coming in from Europe). I am wondering whether they are planning something for that weekend! But my ds loves her family and thinks they are a lot like ours. Everything I’ve heard and witnessed indicates a genuine closeness, so I really don’t think that’s an issue. In fact, the first time we met her her brother called to see how it was going, despite that fact that that day he was in Europe graduating from his master’s program. I thought that was sweet. I do think they sound similar to us … close ties but not the “you can only live five miles from us” kind of authoritarian parenting. lol
I care not where the kids get married as long as I can come. That being said, I did tell them that they can do whatever they like for weddings, but if I ever utter “I insist” DO NOT FIGHT ME. This was after attending an outdoor ceremony at a working dairy farm on a 99 degree day; it had not been sprayed for any bugs, was only beer to drink and no chairs to sit on. I would have insisted on bug spray and chairs. They are still married though so thats good!
My mother eloped. I still have the dress she would have worn, had it been more formal.
I suggested D1 marry in a tiny ceremony, maybe at some beachy resort location and then later throw a formal party. She said no. She’s the one big on ceremony.
Lol, I just want it solemn enough and for the men to wear nice shoes, no Keds.
At this point with my D I do not care. I would just like her to get married (she is pregnant right now) at some point. I do not even care if I am there or not. I would prefer she just elope than try to plan a wedding because of her mental illness and tendency to cancel everything she plans.
For S I do want to be there. I would be hurt if I wasn’t asked. If he stays with gf I won’t have to worry because her parents are all about the big wedding and very controlling. They have pretty much said that if they get married her mom will be doing everything (they don’t love the idea but are resigned to it happening and have moved on). At least her parents do have good taste and will be reasonable on cost. Almost all the guests will be from her side of the family so go for it!
I’m a big believer in respectful honesty. I think if you don’t say something you will always wonder or down the road your son will say, “If you had only told me. I didn’t know.”
I think you should say something like, “I’ll respect whatever you decide but we would love to be there.” Then, see what happens.
My husband and I eloped 32 years ago. By then we had been living together for 9 years. Marriage itself was not important to us, but he had great health insurance and we were 6 weeks away from having our first child. It was an economic decision.
We didn’t tell anyone ahead of time and had a close couple as our witnesses at the town hall. Neither set of parents minded. Still going strong!
I don’t think I’ll have a choice (well, I can choose to care). Daughter and her boyfriend are saying they will get married in 5 years and it will be a destination wedding. This child didn’t participate in her college graduation, so I doubt she’ll have a wedding and I doubt she’ll invite me.
My other wants something a la Downton Abbey with a morning brunch and flowing, lacy dresses. I’ll probably be invited to that one.
My sister got married for the second time secretly and didn’t tell anyone for years. They’d been living together for years and had 2 kids, so nothing changed except their tax status.
We essentially eloped. Everyone knew we were getting married, just not the date - which we didn’t know either until we had the license and the judge lined up.
My mom and eldest sister were definitely saddened that there wasn’t to be a big party, and I learned years later that my MIL had felt that way too. But we have no regrets whatsoever. DH’s family had too much chaos for a relaxing wedding experience, and after being in the weddings of three sisters and two friends, I had no desire play the role of bride.
Let the kids elope. The next time you are all together, throw a party and invite everyone you would have invited to a wedding.
I don’t want to post any spoilers, but did you see “This is Us” last night? 
I would hate not to be at my child’s wedding. I don’t care how tiny it is. In fact on the whole I prefer small to large. It will be interesting to see what pans out assuming my son marries current girlfriend. (They’ve been together six years.) They both tend to be very frugal. However her older sister had a big wedding in London and a second wedding in Hong Kong. The girlfriend’s parents are planning on moving to England in the next few years, (they see the writing on the all and have British passports). I’m guessing any US wedding would be casual and involve barbecue. But any Hong Kong wedding is likely to be an extravaganza!
@MaineLonghorn I did but don’t remember a wedding scene!
@Youdon’tsay, I’m referring to the phone call with the big news.
Oh, yeah! lol
I wouldn’t have a leg to stand on, having eloped with my husband and not told anyone in my family ahead of time, so there is no way I could make much of a fuss if either of my kids decided to marry that way. That said, I would hope that neither of them would feel the need to do that, and would have family and friends in attendance! At the time I felt that my my parents wouldn’t just go along, they would make a huge hassle out of it so I just wanted to circumvent all that. I’ve worked hard to ensure that my kids wouldn’t feel the same way about me, so I would hope they wouldn’t feel the need to elope in order to have things their way!
A good friend of mine eloped many years ago. They eloped because she was a white Spanish and he was a black Dominican, and neither side of the families approved of the marriage even though they have been together since high school. They sent out “When you received this card we would have been married…” while they were on their way to the honeymoon.
My friend thought she had dodged a big wedding. Hmmm, no. When they came back from their honeymoon, there was a large wedding reception waiting for them. Both sides were there and they are still married.
Well, I just corresponded with the gf’s mom about T’gving plans, and she seems as delightful as ds said she is so that makes me happy.
I have dinner plans tomorrow with a dear friend who is a therapist so maybe I’ll wait to talk to ds until after I’ve bounced ideas off my friend.
My husband and I eloped 33 years ago. We got married on a mountaintop, with a view of the lake, and skied down. My parents were in the middle of a divorce, so a wedding would not have been easy. And my husband does not like to be the center of attention. My parents did not have a problem with it, but my MIL has still not forgiven us.
DS got married in 2018. They had a big wedding (160+?) and it was wonderful. It was so fun to be around family, and we have such great pictures. DD got engaged in April. They talked a lot about eloping, but are going to have a fairly big wedding (although somewhat casual) March, 2010. The problem with eloping is where you draw the line.
I would care. A lot. I told my kids early on that the location or type of ceremony didn’t matter, I just wanted to be there. I can’t imagine being left out of such a special event. Your friends will come and go, but your immediate family is usually with you for life.
About 15 years ago, a good friend’s son told me he and his GF were going to City Hall and just get a license. No one there. I said “ please don’t do this to your mother, she will not just be crushed, but terribly hurt.” A nasty divorce /remarriage of dad had occurred and they didn’t want anyone. But they did change their minds, and put together a small ceremony and after-wedding meal in 3 weeks. Their parents, grandparents, siblings, new stepmom but none of her family. 18 total. My friend was so happy to be included, because she thought they would elope…and she told her son the same.
My response is that they should have the ceremony or lack thereof that is meanful to them. This is their marriage. I must be honest now that I find sitting thru weddings difficult as I picture half the couples divorced and all of this money wasted on feeding friends/family for 5hrs. The year to 18mths of sometimes anguish over dresses/flowers/seating charts, hurt feelings about who to invite. UGH-- ELOPE. Tell the parents the plan and when the happy couple returns you can have a celebration for the newlyweds. I hope I can be more cheery about weddings when my kids gets older because right now I’d never recommend a traditional wedding.