I like how @Empireapple phrased it. Yes, better to bring it up in advance if it’s important to you, and this phrasing leaves it clear that you aren’t trying to still flex your parental muscles over an adult but saying that this is important to you.
My wife and I “eloped” in 1987 to avoid the stress of dealing with two sets of divorced parents and got married on the Isle of Skye in Scotland. Our son and his fiancee “eloped” last year for different reasons and got married in Ireland. I could hardly object to him following family tradition [we were a Marine Corps family when I grew up so doing anything even once could qualify as a tradition], and he asked us if we would mind. Not gonna share the reasons, but they were very good ones, and, as much as I would have loved to be there, I understood what they were asking for. Exactly the same peace that my wife and I got.
I’m not big on ceremony, and prefer a very simple wedding. If I had to chose between a big, elaborate wedding, and my daughter eloping, I’d choose eloping in a heartbeat.
I would really like to he present at my kids’ weddings (IF they marry). They can have as small and simple a ceremony as desired but I really would want to be present and would tell both kids that.
I am not sure if I am interested in sitting through the ceremony. I’d say elope and have a party later.
I very much enjoyed D1’s ceremony. It was very personal and our family/friends were very happy to share the moment with the couple.
I have been to all of my kids’ milestones and getting married is probably one of the biggest milestones. I would be crushed not to be there.
On the flip side, their dad just recently got married and didn’t want them to be at the ceremony. They were quite upset about it and let him know. I don’t think it’s a parent thing. When you are close to someone, you want to be there for their important moments.
I would let your son do what he wants to – even if that means elopement.
But I as a mom would reserve the right to still celebrate: I’d throw a party, at home or at a restaurant, and I’d make a toast and hug them both tight.
At my son’s wedding, there were a dozen of my/his family there, and same for his friends. We were 1/6 of the number. Had the wedding not been in her home town, the numbers may have been more equal.
My ideal wedding for my son would have been 50-75 people, but there were quite more present. (Like 150)
When I held a shower for the couple, it was at my house. 98% knew my son growing up. It was not a party for my friends, but for family and the parents of his close friends.
“would you care” I absolutely would care and would be very hurt to not be included.
A childhood friend of mine married us but because he was not yet ordained at the time, and his church would have had a problem with him officiating a ceremony pre-ordainment, we were legally married the night before in my mother’s living room in a three-minute vow exchange by her coworker who was a Justice of the Peace. We celebrate the date of the fancy church wedding, not the perfunctory paper-signing event the evening before and, frankly, I had forgotten all about that accommodation until a several years ago when I brought it up in a relevant conversation at my in-law’s. My MIL went nuts about not being invited to the “real” wedding and still has not forgiven us for this heinous breach as she now considers our church wedding a charade attended by dupes. My husband was also unhappy that I had somehow forgotten that this was a big dark secret. I guess I figured that, after 30-some years, the statute of limitations on wedding insanity had run out. Guess not.
I wouldn’t mind our son eloping, but I would like to know/attend. Ultimately, though, I just want him to be happy and end up with his heart’s desire in a mate. I don’t think the wedding matters much.
H and I eloped with our two oldest children to the chambers of the judge H clerked for and then we has a religious wedding a few months later.
H used to sing a lullaby to the kids when they were little: “College scholarship, elope.”
Only my two oldest are seeing anyone seriously. If either of them eloped, I’d be okay with it. After all, I did it, too. As for the younger boys, I’d just be happy if they found anyone to date, let alone marry.
I would be fine with any of the kids eloping. Throw a party later.
If I got to control everything (ha), I would prefer it if my kids had very small ceremonies - immediate family, first cousins, and aunts/uncles only, then we would give them the money we’d saved on a fancy wedding . I really wish DH and I had done that! I remember the shocked look on my dad’s face when he got the bill from our wedding venue (Green Pastures, @“Youdon’tsay”) and still feel a little bad.
I wouldn’t care about missing an elaborate wedding but I would want to be there. Even if it was in front of a judge and 2 minutes.
I would be crushed to not be included, but would not care about where or how. I’ll be there at city hall or in their backyard. A friend’s son is getting married and while he and gf are allowing parents and siblings (not sure about aunts and uncles). The mom wants to throw a party later, but not sure that will ever happen! Not at that point with any of my kids, but I would definitely be supportive, but say something.
Do people get engaged and elope all at once? Or do they get engaged and then at some point sneak off and get married? Assuming your son does the latter, I would just speak to him about it after the engagement. I wouldn’t worry about it now. If she still has to go through law school, they may not marry for awhile and a lot can change (including a possible break-up). Also, their loves might just be so hectic right now they can only see eloping, but as they get a little older and things start to calm down, they may totally change their minds.
I would not be happy at all if I wasn’t at my kids weddings. They are only in their teens but we watch enough “Say yes to the dress” together that they are well aware of my wishes!
My H and I eloped 32 years ago. We went down to the courthouse with a couple close friends as witnesses. We have told our kids the story many times. We have laughed often over the picture of H in a tuxedo and me in a wedding gown on the courthouse steps; us looking shockingly young and very happy. So I certainly couldn’t complain if any of them decided to elope.
However I certainly hope that with 3 kids, I will get to attend at least 1 wedding. The siblings are close and being at one of the others’ wedding would so touching. I’m sure they’d all be crying. I have such fond memories of my college friends’ weddings. Only a few were traditional. All were unique and interesting. On a beach. On a hilltop. A couple at family properties on lakes. In an old family mansion in the south.
For H and I, a wedding of any sort did not feel appealing. We were poor grad students, very untraditional, and my parents were divorced and not on speaking terms (sigh). We knew my parents, esp mom, would be hurt if we didn’t invite them to our wedding so we circumvented the whole problem by not having a wedding at all. Otherwise we would have had a friend marry us in forest gathering with our close friends. My H’s parents took us out to dinner on our next visit and were very understanding (they were/are such great FIL and MIL).
I so hope my older child finds a spouse. If that happens, I honestly won’t care if they elope or if they have a wedding celebration. I will welcome my new IL with open arms.
I am very happy that I got to attend my children’s weddings, but fundamentally I am with thumper1: Mostly I am happy that they found people to love who loved them back, and both wanted a “permanent” relationship. That’s important. The wedding, not so much. (I was happy to be involved in planning the weddings, too, but by the time I had gone through two large weddings in 13 months my attitude toward elopement had changed very significantly for the better.)
One of my sisters-in-law eloped. She called her mother one night and said, “Jack and I are eloping to Charleston tomorrow. If you want to come, too, and be there with us, meet us at Newark Airport at 8:00.” Of course, my mother-in-law dropped everything and got to the airport, and went down to Charleston with them. It turned out that neither of the couple had any idea what you had to do to get a marriage license in South Carolina. My mother-in-law had to hold their hands through the whole process, and lend them the money to stay 3-4 more days than they had planned in order actually to get married – there was a reason Charleston wasn’t a big elopement destination in those days. The whole thing was like a festival of their immaturity (and at the time they were 35 and 29).
The marriage lasted about 18 months. It produced some excellent nuggets of parental wisdom I duly passed on to my kids:
“Your drug rehab program may not be the best place to look for a spouse.”
“If your fiance(e) is 28 and has never been involved with someone of your gender before, take things slow.”
Would I care if my only child eloped? Absolutely I would. She and I are very close, and I would hate to miss out on such an important day in her life.
Not to worry, though. She was married in 2018 - and I was there!