Eloping -- would you care?

I really dislike the word “elope.” To think about it, the word signals that a marriage happening outside of an official (religious) ceremony followed by a giant shebang is somehow a lesser quality marriage. A marriage is a marriage - and as many, many posters attested here, those who did not go the “traditional” route have happy, long lasting marriages.

I would be very upset because it’s important to me that my offspring marry in our faith (Catholic). My married kid isn’t religious but did marry in the Church–mostly to please me. I appreciate that.

For complicated reasons, there was a civil ceremony a week earlier which I did not attend. Only kid & spouse plus two friends who were the witnesses did. I wanted to but my kid said no–if I did, then my exH & spouse would insist on it and so would spouse’s parents and “kids” did not want it turning into a 2d wedding. Since I’d gotten what I wanted–a Church wedding–it didn’t matter.

I do hope my kids have church weddings–two down, five to go. Could be big or small, formal or informal–just as long as the budget is kept in check! If they choose to elope, I won’t be happy about it, but I would get over that disappointment quickly, have a party/dinner, give them a gift. My attitude is that they are adults, so it is their decision.
D had a civil ceremony in US (for legal reasons) before her church wedding overseas. Ten guests (parents, sibs, spouse of officiant) only for the 30-second ceremony on museum steps. I was honored to sign as a witness. Had dinner afterwards. Although none of us thought of this as the “real wedding,” it was the “legal wedding,” and we all agreed that immediate family should be included in this life-changing event.
(It certainly was an inexpensive and low-stress wedding!)

My best friend from high school eloped. Her husband was in the merchant marines and they just couldn’t resist during one of his shore leaves. (They were already engaged IIRC.) They had a church wedding about six months later which I was happy to attend. It was lovely and everybody’s parents got to attend that ceremony.

I would care very much. I think it’s normal to want to be present at your kid’s wedding. It’s one thing to be low-key and just have a few witnesses; it’s another to exclude one’s parents.

I would care, too.

I have a confession to make- When the hubs and I decided to get married, I really wanted to elope. I wanted to go to a beach in Hawaii, just the two of us and a minister and enjoy a honeymoon immediately following. The hubsy talked me out of it saying my mom would never want to miss her only daughter’s wedding. So we scratched that idea. Which reminds me, we never went on a honeymoon and I am telling him tonight that he owes me a trip to Hawaii!

I think I’m in the minority here. I wouldn’t care. I think there’s way too much planning and money spent on weddings. I get the ritual and tradition of it but to me it’s not worth all the troubles. I’d rather my kids put the money and energy into their marriages. If they want to elope on their own, I’m pretty sure I would be okay with that. I’m still happily married and had a big wedding. I haven’t looked back at our wedding album in years and never watched the video. I guess I’m really just not into the whole wedding day thing like most people. Maybe I got left at the altar in a past life ?

I like small get togethers. 30 people is my max. Never wanted a big wedding. My g/f shared the same view for her fist son getting married. Her house can easily hold 70 people. If the brides family had not added on so many people in last months, she could have held the wedding comfortably in her home.

My son likes wedding rings with a sapphire or emerald stone in the middle. She wanted a diamond. His guests (including family and friends) made up 1/6 of the guests. He made his bride happy. They agreed on a less formal setting. There was a gaming station in the corner of the bar, and I saw crowds of 8 playing thru the evening.

Agreed, HalfMoon22. I also am not thrilled about spending so much money to appear at someone else’s big event dressed up to make their show. I do it only for close family. Too many expectations and money spent. If it is really, really important to your kid, go for it. But don’t guilt them if it is not their dream too.

Not wanting to spend tons on a wedding, keeping it small, is one thing. Excluding your parents altogether is another. It just seems unnecessarily hurtful and possibly not the best way to start things off? If the parents are abusive in some way, maybe that could be a different story.

@sevmom I respect your thoughts on that. I just don’t agree. Again, I know I’m in the minority. I just think it’s more important how family shows up throughout the marriage rather than who shows up on the day it’s made legal. My parents weren’t abusive but I was young and they paid for the reception so they felt it was right to dictate every decision… so I guess that’s probably where I’m coming from too… it wasn’t the most pleasant experience to plan. I think however the couple wishes to tie the knot should be left to them. And unless it was to spite me, I would respect my kids’ decisions to do it on their own. I’m not expecting that to happen. I don’t know, even though our family is really close, I just don’t see me losing my s**t if my kids don’t have a traditional wedding.

It was not “hurtful” that my daughter didn’t have a traditional wedding with me present. Neither my feelings or my pride were hurt. But, as I said before, none of us is big on ceremony.

My S1 got married in a relatively large, traditional Jewish wedding (but not in a synagogue), as will S2, this coming March. In both cases, this was the couple’s choice.

However, should either have decided to elope and get married without parents present, I would have been sad. Not disappointed, but sad that I would miss such a significant life cycle event. My D will be the last of my 3 to marry (if she does) and I can’'t imagine her not wanting us there, but you never know.

In any case, I would certainly be in the camp of not wanting to be informed via social media, but willing to listen to reasons for excluding immediate family though I would be very unhappy with that decision.

Oh, it would make me sad! Big wedding, little wedding, of course it’s up to them. But my feelings are up to me :slight_smile:

OP, I would ask “what’s the reason you would prefer to elope?” and if it’s simply aversion to a huge church wedding, or pressure to do something fancy (perceived or real), that’s different than philosophical reasons. DS just got married a month ago, and in helping them plan their day, I was often surprised by how much they didn’t understand about their choices. I must have said “it’s YOUR wedding, so you do what makes you happy and what makes sense” a millionbillion times.

My older son is planning to get engaged in the next few months. At least I know he’s not planning to elope, since he has been feeling us out about whether or not we are willing to help with any wedding expenses!

My wedding was so small I always felt like I was jibbed. I always wished I could have invited more people to celebrate the event with me.

D1 had a medium sized wedding (175 people). I probably would have preferred something smaller, but it was the couple’s decision. We didn’t have a lot of drama with the planning (it was kind of fun) and I think everyone enjoyed the event (it was 4+ days ). It really brought both sides of families together - I think some of our guests became friends via the wedding.
When D2 gets married, it may be a smaller event (probably less than 100 people) because that’s who she is.

I can’t imagine my girls getting married without me there.

S2 and his wife got married by a judge, with only two witnesses (not DH and me). They did it for entirely logical reasons – the Big Reception was a week later and in Puerto Rico. They would have had to go to PR twice in order to make the “real” wedding happen there, and that was prohibitive in terms of cost. They had the official wedding videotaped and I’m delighted to see it (over and over again). I would have liked to have been there, but I was there (along with 75 other people) for the celebration.

My dilemma will be that my parents don’t drink for religious reasons and we haven’t shared with them that we do! My kids would want alcohol at their receptions and my parents would be horrified. I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when we get to it.

It’s a different world than I live in where a medium size wedding has 175 people and a small has 100 people.

There is a difference in eloping (where nobody is invited) and a small wedding, where certainly no parent should be left out.

And putting guilt on a couple for any wedding reason is no way to start out your new family.

^^ So are you saying that parents should not even let their kids know that they would be sad and perhaps hurt not to witness their wedding if they hear the kids will elope before hand? I think you can tell them that in a way that is not manipulative or guilt-inducing.