I am sorry for your loss. I am not in your situation so can’t opine on that, but I can report that the majority of my married friends who became empty-nesters experienced marital crises of varying degrees at the same time. Over a few decades, the strongest shared activity had become kid-logistics and child-centered decisions. (Heck, all those college visits!) There may have been some resentment over whose career took precedence, how certain parenting or extended family decisions were handled. In other words, it can be a testing time with or without a spouse and being married adds to the woes for some.
It’s early to think about it now, but it’s a good reminder that it will be healthy for you and your youngest to have a life that includes your own interests and friends. To that end, being alert to those opportunities sounds smart!
@intparent, yes on the downsize taking forever, and I just moved across town. Between looking at real estate, buying, selling and then fixing up my project of a new place, it has occupied much of the last 4 years. But again, working less is the ticket.
Some of us do transitions better than others. Know your own approach to transitions, and allow for this. I am very flexible, but transitions can be hard.
@gardenstategal, good married perspective to have. Sometimes those of us who are single look into the window of married life with unrealistic views as to the challenges.
Also so very sorry for your loss, but agree that you should enjoy your time with your little one and worry about empty nest when its closer to reality. Lots can change in 10 years. Who knows- maybe there will be a new man in your life and the house won’t be empty.
God forbid if something happened to me, I would hope my wife would eventually start dating again and possibly remarry and have a full life with traveling, hobbies, social action, spending time with grand kids, volunteering, outdoor clubs, etc. live life to the fullest we really are only here for a short, finite amount of time. Make the most of it.
Just saying, not “a new man.”
New interests, drives, abilities. A new sense of whimsy. A random experience that opens you to a direction you can’t imagine now. New friends, by then.
Not grandbabies and planning weddings, either. Not other people’s needs but our own. Many widow/ers are sensitive to the idea it’s just about being busy or distracted…or replacing what’s lost.
It’s a catch 22. A friend recently said, the things you do to move forward are the very things that remind why you need to rebuild.
And no need to assume a widow is more likely to smother a kid than any parent could.
My thought was that in 10 years… who knows. There might just as easily be more people in/around the house as less.
Separate issue, but right around DS#2 left for college, DH took a consulting job that had him across country M-F. He usually came home on the weekend but was here for maybe a day and a half. Now this is not the same as being a single parent and my continued deepest sympathies to the widows/widowers here, but it was something that caught me by surprise. I was ready for empty nest, but not for empty house. I was still working 4-5 days/week so was busy, but still, it was an adjustment I did not like. And this went on for 3 years, before DH got a job (at my request) that didnt require him to be a continued road warrior.
Honestly, you have a lot more freedom to design your own empty nest situation as a single person, regardless of how it came about. Moving, vacationing, day to day habits, whether to keep workig an how much, whether to own pets (have LOVED the ones I’ve had, but finding that a pet-less nest gives me more freedom to do what I want). Yeah… I totally threw off most of the “taking responsibility for others” yoke when my nest emptied, esp after youngest graduated from college. That also takes a little getting used to. But I’ve got the hang of it now. I help my kids when they ask — but that isn’t all that often.
@gallentjill – I also want to add that I’m sorry for your loss, and I can see from your post that you are still acutely aware of the emptiness you have in your life because of that.
I’d also note that divorce is different, because for many of us with kids the ex is never truly out of our lives, especially on issues related to parenting or major life events (graduations, weddings, etc.).
But again, things do change over time. You’ll change simply as a part of the process of getting older; your relationship with your youngest will change as she gets older – and you may find that the transition to parent to empty nest is something that is somewhat gradual over the teenage years when you have only one child to worry about, and that teenager is growing more self-reliant and independent over the years as well. So your needs and wants then aren’t really going to be the same as what you are picturing right now.
Agree completely with the last 2 posts. Regardless of the reason, people do have to adjust to empty homes and/or single parenting. Just because a person’s experience is not identical does not mean they do not have experiences to share, and something they did or how they approached life might be helpful, maybe not now, but perhaps at another time.
I agree that posters who still have a spouse could still contribute ideas. The things I did weren’t really specific to being single. I just didn’t have to negotiate them with anyone else (except my kids, I did consult some with them, but they could see that a change would be good for me and raised few objections).
I had brunch today with two friends who both have slightly older spouses. One also has a Down Syndrome son who is about 26, and some grandchildren who live near them, and all those things need to be considered. She was complaining that her husband doesn’t want to travel and just want to keep his ‘retirement schedule’ every week (working out, climbing wall, Starbucks for reading time…). She wants to do more as she’s been a SAHM (with a lot of work dealing with her son’s education and medical issue) and she’s ready to GO.
The other’s husband still works, but it is very flexible. What isn’t flexible is that his 95 year old mother lives next door, refuses to have help come in because 'J can just make me lunch when he makes his…and do the lawn… and take care of the taxes… and pay the bills. They just came back from a really nice vacation, and it took a Marshall Plan to make it happen.
I have several friends (roughly my age, in our 60’s) who are married but have done a lot of traveling without their husbands who don’t want to, or can’t travel, for whatever reason. So being married doesn’t have to be a barrier to travel or engaging in whatever other activities one spouse likes but the other doesn’t. And some of them have husbands who are very willing to take care of the pets while they are off on their adventures … so even less tied down than I am, with two dogs.
My mother was a single empty nester. And, I am HER only child (I have half sibs), so she was really alone. First week, she started volunteering at a local hospital. She also started playing golf again, got involved in a bridge group, joined a new Sunday School group, and joined a travel group. Seriously, when I called home, she usually only had about 10 minutes to talk to me before she was off somewhere. Eventually, she found a job where she stayed until retirement age.
For folks who love animals but don’t want the multi-year commitment, fostering animals may be an option to consider. One of my friends is a single mom and enjoys fostering animals, she likes being able to give them back and not gave a very long term commitment as she travels to see her kids and family.
Another friend who was wanting some money and company signed up to offer rooms for foreign HS students and collected a modest stipend. She said her experience was mixed—some kids were great while others weren’t. She eventually relocated once her younger child went away for school.