Empty nest as a single parent

Hi everyone,

First, a little about me. My husband passed away unexpectedly a few years ago. I have three kids. One in college, one a rising senior and one a 7 year old. I’m not facing the empty nest just yet, but I can’t help wondering how I will eventually deal with that. I read so many posts hear about how its such a lively time for couples to finally have time for each other and it is starting to give me a bit of anxiety. Honestly, that was something DH and I really looked foward to.

Even though its years down the road, the house is starting to empty out with 1 kid gone and one about to go. I would love to hear any stories from other singles who have faced this issue. How do you make the empty nest work when there is only one of you?

I’m sorry your husband passed (too early!).

I have a husband still, but we live separate lives under the same roof. My kids are 20 & 22. The 22 yo has launched to the East Coast. The 20 yo is still in college, but has been staying down there instead of coming home for breaks.

I am throwing my energy into building a new life for myself. I quit the job I’d held for 17 years & replaced it with a new one.

When I cook, it’s something very simple. There is barely anything in the fridge. The house is cleaner than it’s been in years because there are no teenaged girls doing what most teenaged girls do with the bathroom, kitchen, their clothes, their shoes, their books…I’m not frustrated that the kids are not pitching in as much as I’d expected.

I sleep well. I’m not sleeping with one eye open waiting for a kid to get home.

I joined a hiking club where I’ve met so many interesting people. There are quite a few people, in their 50s, 60s, 70s, who have never been married or never had kids, some currently partnered, many not. Most of the people I’ve met do some serious traveling —sometimes trips with other members of the hiking club, sometimes with a vacation company.

Meetup groups are often filled with people looking for other fun, nice people to do things with. There is a whole world out there, waiting for you to discover it!

I am LOVING the freedom and autonomy, and not having my time & energy & money be the kids, the kids, the kids.

It feels like a very special time. It can be for you, too. :slight_smile:

My husband trave,s for work and can be gone for more than a month. Even when he’s here he gets home very late st night. my life of the empty nest is all about the freedom to do what I want when I want. Eat dinner on the couch with a book. Join friends for dinner. Take a long walk. As Midwest 67 said there are groups you can join. There’s travel that can easily be done alone depending on budget. Etc. I am sorry for your loss but an empty nest can still be a very nice time.

Empty nest is awesome. I’ve been single for 22 years now. I’m super independent and love being by myself. Unfortunately, my son left his dog with me more than 7 years ago so I am not able to do anything on a whim, but someday I hope to just get in my car on a Saturday morning and drive all day. Maybe visit my old college campus that I haven’t been to in 39 years, or the town I used to live in, or maybe to explore cemeteries where my ancestors are buried. But alas, the dog has to be let out frequently, and I can’t leave his big Houdini tail in the backyard and expect him to still be there when I get back. :slight_smile:

You have a long time to go before your nest is empty and you are probably still grieving your unexpected loss (I’m sorry), but I think you will enjoy your empty nest when the time comes.

I’m a single parent, and moved to a new city during my youngest’s jr year of college. I decided I could really live the life I wanted to live. Sold the big house, and took the plunge to a city where I didn’t know a soul. It has been GREAT! I made a lot of effort to make friends, and have a pretty busy social life. Also have a whole new part of the country to explore (I’m out of town right now a few hours from home, at a nice restaurant drinking wine & waiting for dinner after a nice hike on the beach). I did have to learn to put myself out there by myself — but I’ve gotten comfortable with it. These days I’m taking swing dance lessons, getting together regularly with a theater group and restaurant group, and trail run at the local arboretum a few nights a week (lost 15 lbs this year!). Life is really good. Yes, I miss my kids! But I see them a few times a year, and am busy with work and activities.

I have almost the same story as you @gallentjill. My parents were both deceased too, so there was nothing holding me where I was. I decided that when child #2 left for college, I was dragging the 11 year old off to my retirement where there are palm trees. He is still grumbling 2 years later, but I had lived in various places in the frozen north and I was beyond tired of it. It has been the best thing I ever did for myself. I have lost a lot of the weight I gained when dh died and I am much less stressed. Children 1 and 2 still call or text when they have issues, so I am not free of worrying about them. Child 3 has adapted and found his niche. Once child 3 goes off to college, I may stick around here or move to someplace else.

OP- with a seven year old it is way too soon for you to consider life with an empty nest. You will be ten years older and the world will be different as well.

H and I are retired and in our sixties. I have friends who are single (never married/divorced/widowed) living in various parts of the country. In a way they have the freedom I lack because they never need to consider another person in their plans. You have three kids. In another ten years you might be a grandmother with travel to see grandchildren as a part of your life. That’s one divide I notice with those who have grandchildren and we whose son may never find a girlfriend.

It will be different for you to only have the youngest child around without the (near) adult kids and their activities. I suspect the challenge will include losing those nearly adults while still parenting. You need to cultivate your me time while still needing babysitters. btw- any fantasies about life in the future are just that. The doers will go out there and some of us will lead boring lives.

I am quite happy as a single parent empty-nester… but I do agree that with a 7-year-old at home, that’s quite a long time away for you. My advice is that you start now building a social life beyond the universe of your kids & their activities & their friends’ parents. You can be carving out time to make new friends and also dating. So 11 years down the line, you won’t have to feel lonely … instead you will be looking forward to time you will have with your adult friends.

I’d add something else, however-- with the age difference between your two older daughters and your son, there is a very high likelihood that by the time your son is ready to head off to college, your daughters will be keeping you busy with things like wedding planning and you might even be a grandmother. After the college years, the kids have a way of coming back into your life one way or another.

Thanks everyone. Your support and stories are really just what I’ve been needing. It was hard with D1 left, but thinking about being the only “near adult” with my little one (a girl) is a little daunting. I really like all the advice about how to get myself out there in a social way. I think I will start trying to do that. I’ve also been trying to pick up some new skills that I’ve always wanted, including music composition.

Keep the stories coming. They are really inspiring.

@gallentjill So sorry for your loss.
With the age difference between your kids, you just may become a grandmother before your youngest even gets to college. That can keep you very busy!

This reminds me of my grandmother. She had 4 kids, all about 5-6 years apart so there was close to 20 years between the oldest and youngest. My mom was the 2nd. Grandma was widowed while still in her 50’s, right after her youngest graduated college.

She continued to run the farm, though she rented out the fields to another farmer. She had a huge garden, was in the local garden club, she was on the library board, was active at church. She walked a lot, it was about a mile to her mail box, so she walked 2 miles round trip 6 days a week just to get her mail.

She. also did some travelling with friends. I knew my grandfather, he died when I was 11. I doubt he would have travelled like my grandmother did. If he had lived longer she would have just stayed home with him and not taken advantage of those opportunities.

I also lost my husband when he was fairly young. I had 2 kids at home.

Now that both kidlets are fully launched (graduated from med school and moved far away for residency), I’m finding I have the time & money to do all sorts of new things. I’ve been taking glass making classes and am in the process of setting up a studio with a kiln in the garage. I’ll be looking at traveling to take classes with nationally recognized teachers/ artists at national conventions starting this fall. I’ve taken a couple of cooking classes locally–which is great way to meet new people. I also do volunteer work with the local cancer center.

Right now I’m looking to buy a small, self contained travel trailer. Dh & I had always talked about getting a trailer when the kids left so we could visit/revisit all the great western parks and national forests that we used to backpack in our youth. I have friend who has one and I’ve envied her ability to get out into the wilderness.

I’m also doing some international travel–cooking classes in Oaxaca, wine tasting tours in Portugal, glass studio tours in Venice…Sometimes I go with a friend; other times I go alone and meet all sorts of people on the trip. There’s almost always a meet & greet the first night before the tour starts. My older D is emigrating to the Land Down Under when she finishes residency (she married an Aussie)—so I’ll be traveling to Australia and New Zealand for several weeks to months at a time once she relocates.

I guess that hardest adjustment to having a completely empty house is now there’s no one to blame if something gets misplaced or broken. :wink:

I lost my wife 3.5 years ago and it was really tough on my kid and myself for the first year or so. I felt bad the last couple of years since I was traveling a lot for work and he often was home on weekdays by himself. So I took a forced self-retirement this year and spent a lot of time with him in his final semester of HS and in the summer. That helped our relationship a bit. But I’m headed back to work the day after he moves into the dorm, which is now 15 days away.

Oh and I got remarried at the beginning of the year also, which helps a lot. I guess my plans to travel around the world with my spouse after my kid left the house is now back on, now that I’m married again. Now I need to convince the new company to let me telecommute from Europe and Asia…

Single mom empty nester here - have been for 3 years now. I also cringed when I read those stories about how couples were doing this and that when their kids left. My relationships with my kids are my most important ones by far, and as I’ve been divorced for a long time, they have been central for a long time. I have no interest in remarrying.

Since the empty nest began, I lost both of my parents and then my dog. My kids are adults and they are fine. So I’m doing me, now. There was definitely an adjustment. I was sad. But I learned to enjoy solitude, and what time with the kids I can get, and spent - still spend - time figuring out what the heck I want to do with the later decades of my life.

For now, I’ve left. I am living more or less on the road, I take my work along with me. I had a lifelong travel dream and it’s now possible so I’m doing it.

Possibilities are endless once regular life changes in such a major way.

I’m still working full time and probably will til I’m 70 So, it’s not hard to come home from work and enjoy resting. Weekends include the gym and meet ups with friends. I admire those who have loved traveling solo but I’m not there yet. I wish there was a CC travel club.

@bookworm : Start one. B-)

Many of my sorority sisters are becoming empty nesters, and are starting to travel either together or to visit each other and explore that area. Three of them just had a wonderful trip to Newfoundland, two with husbands (one who planned the entire adventure) and one single.

We sometimes travel with husbands, sometimes just the girls. I have a friend who just returned from a biking around Holland trip with her girlfriends who are all in a running club. They have husbands, but just left them home.

I have been divorced since my kids were small. With joint custody, it seemed life started again when they returned home. That first semester my twins left the house was rough My S had gone off to China, one of girls was doing a gap year in S America, and I felt very much awash despite having many plans for my empty next years. The remaining kiddo was at a school an hour away. I started working more at that time to pay for college as well. I realized life in terms of kids coming home was not going to start up again so I better find my own.

Fast forward 10 years. I am thrilled to be alone, have moved, have an active life with friends and cut down on how much I work. Working less, at least in my stressful job, is the ticket to happiness. I travel, with friends and family all over the country, and world, but it is usually to visit someone.

I think @“great lakes mom” hit on something important there. As with any big transition, it takes a while to get settled in. First, downsizing and moving was A LOT OF WORK. It kept me busy for a solid 2 years. (Although busy is good once the kiddos move out!). When I moved, I tried some things that didn’t particularly work for me. For example, a couple of national organizations that I’d done a lot of volunteer work with in the past weren’t really my cup of tea when I tried them in my new city. Another activity turned out to be difficult due to traffic constraints. I’ve just now (2.5 years after moving) hit upon a new volunteer organization that works well for me. But it was still interesting to try things out until I found the sweet spot.

Live in the moment and not the distant future. Be sure to not smother your remaining at home child. It could become easy to be overly involved in her life because you are not pulled in as many directions. I have just the one son and avoided volunteering most of the time to give him his separate experiences after he was your youngest’s age. Take cues from the older kids- they will notice the differences in their and the youngest one’s life. I have a cousin who was an only child and whose father died when he was four- smothered. Ruined life. Think independence- for you and child.