<p>We did the empty nest routine about three years ago, and the best way to handle it, IMHO, is to realize that you are grieving. I finally broke down and had a good cry about two years after my son left for college. Before that my wife and I were just keeping busy with house remodelling. We kept a stiff upper lip, trying to pretend we were not terribly sad over our only son leaving home. Once we let the floodgates open,we felt so much better and our life is back to normal.</p>
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That’s a big 10-4.</p>
<p>I started classes this fall in an MFA program, and it was a great way to launch myself into empty nesthood. Particularly as my DH travels a lot for work. So far we are both enjoying our kidless house. They are happy at school, it was time for the youngest to be on his own, and we know lots of other parents in the same boat. The cooking thing is getting me down a little, however – I like to cook but I find it depressing to fix something for two (or just one). Any helpful ideas in that area?</p>
<p>Ah, the cooking thing has been a problem. It really isn’t fun to cook for two and so far I haven’t learned to adjust amounts and we are left with eating the same thing for days. Mostly, I don’t cook much anymore unless one of the kids is coming in or just do really simple meals–chicken on grill, veggie and a salad.</p>
<p>I’m in the eight week countdown to EN status. Came home last night and found the house full of kids. Group greetings, I love 'em! Had a yarn with a few of them on the porch. They were telling us about the ‘funny’ senior class picture (one sober/one funny). Two chained themselves together with fluffly pink handcuffs. Yup, that should be great picture.</p>
<p>Mine asked me for a camera so he could start taking picture of his beloved mates. Weirdly, H and I talked about the same thing on the way home. “Let’s get him an early graduation gift–a simple camera.” </p>
<p>Then, I had a EN panic attack early this morning. Will that void fill up? I am a working mom but I’ve spent so much energy and time on doing and thinking for those two boys. I’m about to head to the office with plans to be back before he wakes up, for example.</p>
<p>My plan for the grief, is, as always, to throw money at the problem. Not renovation, no, no. Too much like work! </p>
<p>Travel! Just two airfares! Oh, the places we’ll go…</p>
<p>Travel might be a nice way to fill the void. Unfortunately, we are pinching pennies much tighter now than ever before with two in college–so no trips here.</p>
<p>As a father I had a much more difficult time with it than my wife. Never thought it’d be that way, but she’s been much better about the whole thing.
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<p>I thought it might be smooth-sailing for us, especially when DD kept telling us how much she loved her school and how happy she was. If she was thrilled, shouldn’t we be, too? I wish it worked that way, but I’ve found that I cry far too often and I think I’m a bit depressed. I’ve been feeling this way for the past month and a half or so. I’ve been trying to tell myself to get over it, but I’m really having a tough time. It’s not like I’m bored because there are plenty of things I do with my husband and my friends, but I’m just not feeling right. I recently saw the doctor and started crying there, too. I was given a prescription for an antidepressant but I haven’t filled it. The doctor called to tell me my thyroid level was too low, so that could be the problem, too. I’ve been on thyroid medication for 20+ years and I need another adjustment, so I’m crossing my fingers that will do the trick. If I were flexible enough, I would kick my own butt to get over this hump. I’m just not digging the empty-nester stuff. I think the empty-nester thing is affecting my husband’s mental status, too. He suggested adopting a child! I asked him if he had been smoking crack.</p>
<p>Really had to laugh at that one ^^^ SplashMom! My D. has suggested that I get a new puppy. We had to euthanize one of our older dogs 2 weeks ago, but I still have 3 dogs and 4 cats (another reason travel is difficult) and I don’t know that adding a puppy is the Rx to happiness–much less adopting a child!</p>
<p>Not doing well here. The cooking thing is a problem. Sometimes I feel like a short order cook- and now I am feeling some resentment - because there is no meal time. I cook when I think my husband will be coming home and that usually involves at least one conversation with him during his work day - how is his day going - how late does he think he’ll be-never reliable- will he want to go running before he eats - do we want to go out? There is no before or after dinner activity.</p>
<p>We are struggling with living parallel lives. He does his thing - I do mine and somewhere we meet in the middle to share. He’ll spend hours on the computer or reading at night - I’ll knit and watch TV - in two different areas of the house. We are working at setting date nights.</p>
<p>We promised each other we would travel. But the house needs improvements - projects like wood flooring and fresh paint -that we delayed cause of kid traffic.</p>
<p>It’s hard being a long distance cheerleader. I miss being able to look my girls in the eye and telling them I believe in them and to just hang in there - I know how hard they are working - or are just being the one person they can cry or laugh with.</p>
<p>And I am struggling also with what I want for me - crystal ball cloudy.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear about the loss of one of your dogs, mkm. That is never easy. Our dog is funny and neurotic and supplies many laughs for us, and DH treats her like a child. It is difficult, at times, traveling when you have animals, isn’t it?</p>
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Preach it, sister! I’m so stinkin’ tired of having to deal with dinner. I would rather eat a sandwich or a bowl of cereal each night, or go completely without, than have to plan, prepare, cook and clean up each evening. DH works a fairly long day and often doesn’t get home until 6:30 or so. Although he tries to give me the best estimate of time he might be home, it often is off by quite a bit. DH enjoys my cooking and encourages me to make new things. He said whether or not he likes them, he appreciates the fact that I’m doing it. I hate not making something decent for him because he gets so tired of ordering out (something they do for lunch from the office each day). He loves it when I make extra dinner portions so he can take them for lunch. I feel guilty that I no longer enjoy the cooking thing. He has offered to find recipes, do the grocery shopping, etc. Somebody kick me in the butt … I’d do it myself but my foot won’t reach!</p>
<p>LOL I am so sorry Splashmom, it really, really does get a lot better. </p>
<p>When my daughter left, I was left all alone with just a cat. I began traveling extensively for business, but also, I did a LOT of work around the house, and even in the community. </p>
<p>Kluge once posted in some other thread, some other topic “the hardest part about anything … is getting out of the chair” and I think that’s very true. I think the fastest, best cure for the downside of the empty nest is to take action - ANY action. It almost doesn’t matter what it is, the thing is to get moving. Attitude is improved by daily activity. </p>
<p>For my part, I did a lot of work on the house - new roof, new siding, new central air system, over four years. This coming year I hope to tackle the flooring, something I have wanted for a long time. </p>
<p>I discovered Home Depot sells lots of fun things that lend themselves to curing unhappiness. I painted nearly half of the interior of my house - my room, which had soft beige walls, is now very dark slate grey, with white trim, and all the wood furniture is now white, too. The downstairs is a wonderful blend of forest and sage greens, although first semester of sophomore year I painted half the dining room flame red - and then spent three weeks priming it out to fix it, as it was so horrid a color in the light of day it made my eyes burn. </p>
<p>The really cool thing about Home Depot is that for a very small amount of money, you can cause lots of disasters and problems around your house, but, happily, for just a little bit more money they also sell all the stuff that you can use to fix all of your mistakes. You can resolve lots of emotional unhappiness in the aisles of Home Depot, plus, you can really improve and upgrade your home in the process. </p>
<p>Beyond Home Depot, there are gyms, new sports to try, theators, travel and new cities to explore etc. If money is an issue, if you have a skill or know how to do even one thing, someone out there will pay you to do whatever it is you know how to do, or, if you’re already working full time, sometimes a part time job can be fun and fullfilling - that’s what a friend of mine did, and she’s having a blast, or at least that’s what she says. </p>
<p>There might even be money available to go back to school - I noticed on my daughter’s college they have a program for transitional adults under age 50 to apply for full scholarship, and tuition prices out at <$450 credit hour. (It would be sort of weird to be a “reverse legacy” though so I’m not applying). But there’s lots of educational opportunities out there, and a million things to learn. </p>
<p>It will get better soon, you’ll see.</p>
<p>I have the same problem as SplashMom and Crabbylady with a husband who works late and doesn’t come home for dinner at a predictable time. But the bright side of this aspect of the empty nest, for me, is that my daughter (sophomore in college) is the world’s pickiest eater, and there were many favorite dishes I stopped making because she wouldn’t eat them. My husband likes almost everything and I like to cook, so we can enjoy the dishes we loved before we had kids, as well as new recipes without worrying about someone refusing to eat them.</p>
<p>You all are so funny. My DH had a stealth meltdown when S1 left. I am living in dread of what will happen to him when we are truly without boys. The youngest one is singing at the top of his lungs at the moment. (He’s tone deaf). His music is blasting/pounding through the neighborhood. </p>
<p>Who is going to turn the music up to volume 35 when he’s gone? </p>
<p>I don’t have a crystal ball but I do have a strong feeling that a door is opening for me. I have held back my professional ambitions so that I could be home by 5:30 pm and take 8 weeks vacation. I could start swinging for the fence…that might be fun.</p>
<p>My husband’s parents did that. My FIL just ROCKED his career and his bank account from 50 to 60. He went right to the stratosphere in a decade’s time.</p>
<p>My parents had fun and travel but they were hit by six children going off the rails in one way or another–including one major bi-polar illness. I have an Empty Nesting friend who has been hit with a child’s mental illness. That is brutal.</p>
<p>Life can be very random. The raising kids bit is more predictable.</p>
<p>It’s Year Two of Empty Nest here, and I find Year Two considerably harder in some ways and considerably easier in others.</p>
<p>DS’s first year at college felt like he still lives here; he always wanted to come home at the times he was scheduled to come home (breaks and 3 “extra” weekends for family weddings and a HS GF homecoming dance)–but also was quite happy at school. We talked a lot (mostly via IM). I got busy; did a lot of going out and hanging out w/friends and some extensive volunteering, too…it was a generally good year. The adjustment wasn’t so bad, altho I had my moments (falling to the floor, gripped by sobs, when I went to sort, fold & put away the first load of laundry w/nothing of DS’ in it was one that we all laugh about now).</p>
<p>This year, tho, is in some ways harder. I’m used to DS being gone now…and can enjoy the cleaner house and the personal freedom of not having to be fully dressed or considerate of someone else here…I’m still busy and still enjoying my “busy-ness.” But now it feels like DS is more of a visitor than a resident who’s temporarily absent. He chose to stay at school for fall break (the allure of a new GF!). Haven’t seen him since August…we’ve never ever gone that long w/out a “sighting” before. We still talk a lot (and it’s still mostly via IM), but now I get frequent feelings of “this is what it’s going to be like when he’s done w/school and on his own.”</p>
<p>It’s the way it should be. But you know, I’m w/Curmudgeon…despite the fact that I’d hate it if he were dependent and unable to leave home, it pretty much sucks that the years have passed and now it’s time. I wasn’t yet tired of full-time mom-ming!</p>
<p>Still, life is good. I have friends, activities, work I like…I also have Ivy League bills, which means it’s a VERY good thing I like my work…but I can see ahead to when the Ivy League bills stop and that money becomes available to me to do stuff I want to do. </p>
<p>It helps to e-talk it out. It’s a good thread for us empty nesters who have mixed feelings about finding ourselves in this stage of life. Thanks.</p>
<p>MotherofTwo,
I thought I mothered the world’s pickiest eater. Said child is a senior this year and DH and I are looking forward to next fall when we can cook beef, lamb, shellfish, fin fish, mushrooms, spinach,… you get the idea…
We were looking forward to the empty nest but it seems our not-at-all picky eater will graduate and be living home part-weeks for the foreseeable future.</p>
<p>It’s nice to see so many optimistic comments. </p>
<p>It’s going very well for us. So far we have spent several weekends at our son’s college tennis matches. We also got away together for one weekend. It’s been nice and the bills have plumeted! I had no idea my kids used so much water!And now we are at an all time low for the gas credit card bill! The one down part is hus. and I have to take care of all the fall leaves ourselves, which is an absolutely unsumountable task. But aside from that we go over it at least once every weekend how lucky we are to have such communicative and responsible grown children.</p>
<p>I think empty nest is easier to deal with if you already have a job you like and/or activities you can now pursue more thoroughly. After all, I’m too busy right now to <em>think</em> about missing my daughter. </p>
<p>I imagine that if I had held off returning to work, or spent all my free time attending sport events and other kid activities, the day would seem endless right now. It’s tough to find direction when the house is suddenly quiet and everything has changed. I advise future empty-nesters to start implementing a plan now instead of waiting for the quiet to arrive. </p>
<p>The cooking is indeed the worst. I used to love cooking, but after x number of years doing it, I started getting tired of it a couple of years ago. Now with D gone, it has gotten even worse because it seems like too much work to cook (and clean up) for two. I have learned to cook twice as much as we’ll eat and to freeze the other half. It gives me a quick meal for the future.</p>
<p>As much as I like my new freedom, I find myself, during down times, poking around my D’s college website to see what’s going on on campus. And I’m here. Why else would I be on this site long after I “need” it? :-)</p>
<p>Good, good, good!! It’s all good. 
When the kids come home, they appreciate us, and we enjoy having them around. I looked at my son who was home visiting this weekend and thought, “Now, there’s that sweet boy that I used to know.” ::::Ahhhhhhhh!:::::</p>