Encouragement for parents missing their kiddos.

Parent Cafe
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I was one of the worst of the worst. I missed my kid so awful, it was ridiculous. I cried like a loon on the drive home…even burst into tears at the gas station. Had a panic attack the first time she didn’t answer my text for a couple hours (her phone was charging). I was a nut.

I wanted to say a little something because I remember about three weeks in (right around this time of the year) was a pretty dark time for me. Things got awfully real. The house got quiet. The morning routine changed. I had those million times I wanted to tell her something in the moment…that I couldn’t…that just plain hurt. Nighttime was weird. Not knowing if she’d gotten home ok to her dorm bothered me. Night classes and study groups bothered me (she had a night class). My little girl walking by herself at night brought to mind a million horrors. The million unknowns that go with college life…kinda freaked me out. Her inexperience with being on her own without support (that could physically be there in a blink) freaked me out. I worried about stupid stuff…Will she get her prescriptions filled ok? Will she buy more groceries than she can carry? Crazy stuff! Autumn made me nostalgic for bright red, yellow and orange memories of carving pumpkins and apple picking and Halloween parties.

And of course…

We were going through that weird adult-adult relationship transition that made communication harder. She wanted some space, I wanted to cling. She legitimately had her hands full of a million new responsibilities and a fiercely difficult class load (pre-med microbio)…and I felt shut out by her hurried calls…wanting desperately to know more about her new world, which she’d always shared generously in the past. It was awful. We still kept contact really well…but there was a forced uncomfortable ick there…where she felt obligated and I felt patronized. So, in addition to loss…I felt strain in a relationship I’d always thought was one of the coolest mother-daughter pairings ever in history…which made me wonder if I’d been kidding myself about that. It was just rough. Growing pains for both of us.

Let me jump ahead to say…my kiddo is 21 now, and our relationship really IS one of the coolest mother-daughter pairings in history. We got through the communication ick…developed more empathy for each other…and got more used to our new roles. We talk and text all the time and it doesn’t feel forced, and there is no ick factor. Sometimes I even step back and wait for my daughter to initiate…LOL. My kiddo has grown into her adult shoes enough to feel comfortable telling me when she’s swamped and can’t talk, or when a conversation would be more convenient another time. She’s also grown out of teen defensiveness…and grown into adult empathy. She humors me, and I’m grateful. I respect her adult life and trust her decisions, and she’s grateful. We got to the other side, and it’s fantastic. It takes time…but you get there. It can be a tough transition.

Right now…the end of September through the beginning of November…can be the hardest time for the new empty nester. Far enough away from dropping them off, that you’re starting to really miss them…but no holidays on the horizon to give you something to look forward to. It’s tough!

But here’s something to consider. (for most college kids, anyway…super distant parents might have a different experience)

They’ll come home for a few days at Thanksgiving, and it’ll be wonderful and go by in an absolute blink. But it won’t be so hard to say goodbye this time because Christmas break is just a few weeks away! In the mean time, send a cool care package for the stress of exam week. A big box of snacks and comfort items will get you a hysterically fun call of desperate gratitude.

Christmas break will be wonderful. The first thing your kids will do…is run off with their friends from highschool…LOL…but you’ll still see them enough for it to put your universe back in balance. You’ll realize…it’s not over…you’re still a family and everyone is still themselves. Even though it’ll be tough to say goodbye, Spring break isn’t far off. And you’ll have this weird sense of relief when they go back that might make you go…wait a minute! there are things about my new life that I actually kind of enjoy. Both of my lives are pretty cool.

Once Spring Break comes and goes…it’s just weeks until finals…and summer vacation.

My kiddo’s school is done at the end April. Never a day in May. Some schools will run a little longer.

I loved having my kiddo home in the spring. We planted flowers and veggies together, did a ton of things we could never do while she was in high school, did a little traveling to some natural places before the big mad rushes when the kids get out of school. It was fantastic.

I just wanted to say…You’re in the darkest spot right now. The longest wait for some relief and assurance that things will be ok. You’ll get there. And after Thanksgiving, it’s just one contact/visit after another that keep things speeding along till the end of the year. Relief is on its way:) Things really DO get normal again.

It really is going to be ok:)

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I found sending care packages with goodies and something just funny was fun for me. I always liked the dollar holiday isle at target for that.

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Wow, I’m crying and my first kid is only a Senior in HS!

Beautiful words, thanks for sharing.

As we pursue the college admissions process, I feel sometimes like I’m helping my daughter plan her departure…

Your story helps me see how we might cope with the changes. I think I’ll be reading this again, especially about a year from now.

Thanks again.

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Thanks for sharing. I’m going through some lost feelings and grieving our only DD having gone off to college. This was very helpful.

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I didn’t go through a terrible ‘loss’ period, didn’t totally fall apart after dropping D off to college. Probably because I consciously planned a once a lifetime trip with my husband for October of that first college year. We had a lot to look forward to and celebrated it as our ‘empty nest freedom’.

But, I did experience the awkward change in communication and teen defensiveness. She didn’t share her experiences with me and I was upset. Only received short texts when I pushed for some communication. Fast Forward to recent college graduation and 21 yrs old. Wonderful long conversations about her future, good communication about everything going on in her life and I’m the first person she calls when something great and exciting happens… such as the call from the car driving away from big job interviews.

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Here’s the thing. I still miss them! My kids have been out of collage for years and yet I miss their presence. I walk by their elementary school and sometimes get choked up.

Maybe because I have no family where I live, I miss my two D’s so much. My S still lives at home. That too gives me heart wrenching feelings.

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My D came home on breaks–and slept practically all day every day! She was exhausted.

I hate talking on the phone and it never crossed my mind to call her the first few days of college. I never knew when she would be in class or busy doing something else. She finally called me after the first week and thanked me for not calling her every day. One of her male friend’s mom had called multiple times a day until the son quit answering the phone. D usually called me while she was walking from one class to another and had a few minutes to talk.

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I have a copy of my son’s schedule so I know when he’s in class. I never call him unless it’s pre-arranged but I will text when I know he’s not in class. I have actually been communicating with him more in the month he’s been at school than in the entire senior year.

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@coralbrook - thanks for sharing that! Gives me hope. DS’ communications have always been sparse, but he seems to be loosening up a little now (he’s a senior). May the trend continue…

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It dawned on me at some point that my D will still be home four months out of every year for four years! That’s a lot! By the end of this past summer, I was really ready for her to go back to school!

It’s harder with my middle kid, the one studying in Beirut. We haven’t seen him in over a year. I’m glad we’re flying him home this Christmas. After some tumultuous teenage years, he’s turned out to be a sweetheart.

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That was beautiful, @MaryGJ ! And perfectly spot on. I can so relate to the “communication ick” that first year or so. Now, at 21, we are back to the easy talk, no weirdness. It’s hard to describe how he acted. Forced friendliness when we saw him. I wanted to shout to stop, quit acting fake. Great post!

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“Communication ick” I love that phrase. My daughter is in her junior year and we still have “ick” hoping it goes away soon LOL

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I can already see my son pulling away more. He told me he was going away for a couple of days at Thanksgiving with friends and that he won’t be home the entire Christmas break. He wants to spend time with his new girlfriend. He also hinted that he may look for a job near campus for the summer. I knew going into this it was a possibility. He is very independent and enjoys his independence. I just miss my boy too! I am glad to see him making mostly good decisions so far at school. I try to not bother him as much as I want to but he does call to tell me things from time to time.