@Madison85 “Could it be that son’s fiancee is expecting?”
Oh stirring the pot! LOL.
@jeannemar , my oldest son will be 19 in four months and it’s hard to imagine him anywhere close to being married. I see nothing wrong with calling your son to inquire. Tell him exactly what you told us. I think I’d keep it light and stay on good terms. Don’t alienate him or tell him he’s too young. IMO you will only drive them closer together. FWIW when my daughter was in early high school several girls (9th grade?) would put up engagement announcements so maybe it’s a joke. At least marriage is not the life sentence it was 50 years ago if a mistake is made.
Wow! I just can’t imagine how you are feeling. I think the sooner you talk, the better it will be moving forward. I agree with others that I would feel the same with S or D. I also strongly agree with the advice from abasket and kelsmom. This young woman could be your S’s wife and the mother of your grandchildren. Best wishes and more ((HUGS)) to you.
I don’t know why I’d be more upset if it were a daughter. Maybe I would expect to be closer? I certainly don’t feel supportive of marriage at this point and am not inclined to ask for details about wedding plans.
I understand, but just know this can backfire… if it gets back to him that you found out about the engagement and didn’t say anything, he could likely be just as hurt as you are now. Now that a family member has told you of the engagement, there can’t be any pretending of, “Oh, I didn’t know,” to explain why you didn’t say anything to him. You really, really don’t want to get caught up in a lie.
My son’s best friend got engaged at 19, during his freshman year in college. Right after the couple graduated from college, they were married. It’s been two or three years, and the young couple appears to be happy and thriving. They have a house, three cats and a dog.
I too would be upset. But I encourage you to reach out to your son. He’s clearly uncomfortable telling you, so take the lead. I understand the hurt feelings, but it’s counterproductive to your relationship to remain silent. His fiancé may be the future mom of your grandchildren. In all honesty, I never fully like D’s boyfriends. But I always try and find the postive in the young men she dates regardless. I figure the next one might be THE one. I remind myself–it could always be worse!! I don’t want to find myself on the outside of her life even if I don’t agree.
Please take a deep breath before talking to him about this. Make sure you know how to bring this up without hitting any triggers. We don’t know if they were kidding on FB (in middle school and hs, my girls’ friends said all sorts of wacky things on FB.) But in case it’s real, you have to be the right sort of supportive. Unfortunately, that’s going to be his definition of “supportive” and non-judgmental.
Since you looked at his FB, did you look at hers? Or just her pictures on his page? I’d be curious if she’s got this on her page and is getting congrats from friends and family. (Yup, I’d try to look, in a case like this.)
This would be my position, which is different than most people’s on this thread. I would wait for my son to tell me in person.
If he is man enough to get married then he should be able to tell me even if he thinks I may not be happy. If he should tell me, I may ask few questions on their plans and such. I may even tell him that I think he is too young and I would prefer if he could wait. I would stay away from saying anything negative about the girl. OP’s relationship may be different with her son than my relationship with my kids, but I have always given my kids honest opinion.
If the son is not telling his mom because he is not sure about “the engagement” then it is probably best if OP pretends she doesn’t know about it. If it should go away in few months then no harms done.
I do disagree that the son may be upset or think his mom is being dishonest if he should find out OP knew about his engagement from a relative and didn’t say anything to him. I would just say to him, “I was waiting for you to tell me yourself. I thought it was better for you to tell me when you were ready.”
I would tell him that somebody mentioned to me that he was engaged via FB and what is the story? Did you see the girlfriend too? Is she wearing the ring? At this point, you need to support him. He may say they are engaged, but the wedding won’t be for a few years. You seem to have a relationship with him, so you may have to get used to the gf/fiance/future wife.
I would be very upset about this, son or daughter.
Assuming the mom occasionally sees and comments on things her son posts on FB, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her casually asking about it. It could be a joke-I’ve seen people do that.
But, I think here is the real reason son never said anything, assuming he is really engaged: " I don’t care for this girl and I think he’s afraid of the response he will get from us."
There’s your answer right there. It’s obvious that there’s tension between mom and son anyway, since they don’t seem to speak often, and throw a disliked GF into that mix, and voila! Fwiw, my sister’s son got engaged at the same age the same way (announcing on FB) for that exact reason-sister does not like GF, feeling is mutual. So the engagement with photos, took place without any parents being told beforehand. The only saving grace here is that my nephew is in the military and is self-supporting, and the GF in college on a scholarship, which she would lose if she marries and us no longer supported by her parents. So they have 3 years to mature before they go through with it. Maybe by then the GF and my sister will be speaking to each other, but the odds aren’t good. At least her son keeps in touch.
Touch situation for OP, if real. Nineteen is very, very young. I’ve seen really young marriage work, but those first few years as they’re trying to make a living while they finish growing up are pretty rough. My older kids are mid-20’s and 30 and show no signs of getting married, and my youngest is 16. SHE wants to get married young so she is not an “old mom” like me (I was nearly 41 when I had her). I hope not too young. I worry about that a lot.
If or when you do speak to your son, keep the conversation on your hurt feelings over not being told, NOT about your feelings on the engagement or the girl or anything else. IMO, this is the only way to go if you want to have any sort of relationship with him, even if he ends up not marrying the woman.
Jmo, but depending on what this parent-kid relationship is really like, the “I’m hurt” could be a trigger. Some kids are overloaded with the parent perspective and it could feel like some attempt at guilt. What do we know about how this relationship really is? “I wish you had told me” is different. Maybe, cautiously, “I would have loved to hear it from you first.” But definitely, “I’m so happy for you.” Or, “You must be so happy.” If this is real, it’s not the time to make it about Mom this and Mom that.
Clearly this is why FB added all those new “reaction” options. I’d probably go with “Haha” or “Wow,” followed by one of those barf emoticons. (And then quickly delete them!)
I’ve been reading the passive aggressive thread and all my reactions seem passive aggressive! But I think my son is being passive aggressive by posting on FB and not saying anything to us in person.
I try to have a good relationship with him. He decided not to go back to school after freshman year, moved out of the house last November, and lives with the GF and 2 other friends. He doesn’t post very often on FB and so he’s not one of my “active” friends who shows up regularly in my news feed. I think a friend of his “liked” the announcement and her mom (who’s a friend of mine) saw it and texted me. The girl also has a post and photos of the ring on her FB page.
@jeannemar I would think the way forward for you depends on the type relationship you want to have with your son. If you are ok with the status quo, then handle it your normal way. If you think you want to be involved in future g-kids lives then you might want to take the high road, be the adult, etc., and scale back on the passive aggressive behavior and talk to your son. Maybe he has learned too well from you and doesn’t know how to broach the subject…
Good luck and congratulations!
fyi, @jeannemar, you can make it so your son’s posts show up at the top of your newsfeed. Go to his page and there will be three boxes to the right of his name. In the second box, select “see first.” (These instructions for the computer version of FB accessed via a browser, not the phone version.)
I can’t imagine the awkwardness and wall you must feel between you and your S knowing what you know when you’re together or talking on the phone or whatever. Why would you want to feed into that?
Whether he is right or wrong or if this is a good idea or not, how do you think your S is going to feel if he finds out you knew but said nothing? Look at this situation and the effects farther into the future - do you want to nurture the relationship or not? (not saying you should only be concerned about his feelings, but they will come into play into your relationship in the future).
What would be your advice to a friend or relative in a similar situation? If they came and said “my son is posting on FB that he’s engaged - but hasn’t mentioned it to me!” - what would you tell that person???
Having recently attended a wedding where groom’s mother and sister were “mad at bride”, and hadn’t “liked” bride during their 3-year courtship, all because bride is 1) foreign; 2) has foreign parents who want to eventually live in USA; 3) is temperamentally different than mom and sister. Bride is nice, pretty, educated, and importantly, couple seem equally “in love” with one another. Also, bride is likely to be “driver” in this relationship, with groom’s consent, and reflective of groom’s personality. The bride was brave in the face of such open (and unwarranted, really) hostility. Groom is an adult. He’s able to make his decisions without mom (or dad) chiming-in. As I suggested to groom’s mom, who’s a good friend, but an assertive plain-speaking personality: “you need to learn to welcome her, or you’ll lose him”. And truly she would, given how blissfully unaware (or unconcerned) happy groom appeared to us, despite their long faces.
That said, FB post could be a joke, an error, or a poor decision on your son’s part. Your reaction to your son, when noting your awareness, could likely color your relationship long-term hereon with both son, and possible future DIL. Think carefully. Speak carefully, and restrain your immediate emotions here. Best wishes to you.
I was in your son’s shoes about 23-24 years ago. DH and I have been married for 21 years. We got engaged and I didn’t tell my parents for 6 months because I was petrified of their reaction. And when I did tell them, they reacted exactly as I expected they would: “you’re too young,” “you don’t know any better,” “he’s not good enough for you,” etc. Nothing my DH did was ever good enough for my parents. We got married after I completed college. While DH & I were dating, my parents even tried to stage a sort of intervention in an attempt to convince me that he was a loser and it would never work out. Two days before my wedding day, my mother pulled me aside in private and begged me not to go through with it and when I refused, she offered to pay for a divorce “for when it doesn’t work out.”
On our 7th wedding anniversary, they said to us, “Congratulations for making it this far. We didn’t think your marriage would last this long.”
To be perfectly honest, the #1 biggest thing that my mother could have done to repair our relationship with her would have been to keep her opinions to herself, to respect my choice in a life partner, and to keep her opinions to herself. She died 6 years ago from cancer and about a month before she passed away, she admitted that she had been unjustly rude and disrespectful to my DH and she apologized for the decade-plus of rude and passive-aggressive treatment of him. We reconciled prior to her death. But it’s really sad because she could have had a closer relationship with us, but chose not to.
Tread carefully. Think very carefully about how you handle the situation because it will make a big difference in how your relationship with your son and his fiancé goes in the future.