I got a text last week from a friend who said, “I read about the engagement on Facebook. Hope you’re OK!” So I went to my son’s FB page and sure enough, status update of “Engaged to so-and so.” She has pictures with the ring. I did not “like” or comment on the topic. It has not been brought up in any conversation we’ve had. They do live together and are not in school. Anyone been in a similar situation?
Gosh no and I’m feeling for you! How often do you talk to S? Have you met FDIL? Have they talked about getting engaged? Is there a reason he wouldn’t want to tell you?
Mostly, when are you going to ask him about it? Why pretend? You’ve had a non-family member ask you about it - you don’t have to be rude (or you can be…) but I’d say , “Hey S, friend Susie told me she saw something about a big life event announced on FB - is this legit or a FB prank?” Get the truth from him!
no. I must admit would be a little disappointed to not hear it first hand. Well, a lot disappointed.
II was on FB one day when a message popped up saying “Steve died yesterday. I’m devastated”. My brother’s name is Steve and my first thought was “WT*, surely my SIL is not telling me this on facebook!” Turned out it was the husband of an old friend. Still sad, but not as shocking to hear it that way as if it had been my brother.
It is a different world for sure.
Are you going to say anything to him?
I have little doubt that he hasn’t told you because A) he thinks you will disapprove, (And I wouldn’t blame you…but now is probably the time to bite your tongue.) or B) because he feels uneasy about it himself. Or both.
You need to tell him that you’ve been told by friends.
And you have my sympathy. I would be very hurt.
Hugs
I agree with Consolation. I think you should say something. I think the longer it goes without saying something, the harder it will be.
I got engaged when I was 18. Yes, ring and all (which I never wore but that’s another story). I made it facebook official but I never actually told my parents. Why? Because I knew (and he probably did, too) that we were way too young to get married but we had been together for so long that it felt like it was something that “needed” to happen. I don’t know how else to explain it. At least we were smart enough to not actually go through with it (we broke up about a year later). I did find out later that my parents knew but figured I wouldn’t go through with it so they stayed mum.
I’d guess that if your son didn’t tell you it’s because he’s either not sure about this or doesn’t realistically see a wedding in the future. Being kind of permanently engaged is not that unusual for young people.
Good luck. And yes, I’d confront him about it.
@jeannemar - (((HUGS))) I can’t imagine finding out this way. Does S live near you? I would want to see him and talk in person. This is a big life decision.
OP–Just talk to your son–first find out if it is serious or a joke. I’ve seen fake engagements posted before. But if they are already living together, an engagement should be no surprise. I’ve seen quite a few people call the person they are living with their “fiance/fiancee”–but they never actually set a date and get married. Makes living together seem more “legit” to some if they can say they are “engaged”–even if a wedding never happens.
My friend’s son got engaged and married at 19. She cried when she found out about the engagement. The girl was a few years older, and my friend just thought her son was too young. This was a couple years ago. Her son/wife are fine/happy. They are both working and have a baby. It can work out.
RE: #2-- Last fall, I was on the plane en-route to surprise my mom (who was ill/in a nursing home) for her birthday. When the plane landed, I turned on my phone. Mom had just died–I saw it on Facebook! (My 70yo aunt/mom’s sister had posted it immediately.) I kind of laugh about it now–nothing else I can do. I was stunned at that moment. I had to connect to another flight and remeber just wandering around the airport in a fog.
(My own son just got engaged yesterday! I knew all about it, and he texted me with a photo after the fact. He’s 28, though.)
I think the proper thing to do is to call immediate family members and friends before posting any major events on FB. D1 did not allow me to post anything on FB about her engagement until they have made their calls family and friends.
OP - I am sorry you had to find out your son’s engagement through a social media, but my bet is it may not be official. If my kids didn’t tell me then it is not real.
I would be really sad about that! I would definitely talk to him. At the end of the day, you can’t undo it, so I wouldn’t give him a hard time, but I sure would want to find a way to open up the lines of communication more.
Hope things go well from here on.
Yikes! 19 is pretty young for a male but maybe not for males that are out in the world self supporting… I do hope it’s a joke, but if not I’m so sorry he didn’t feel he could confide with you before or just after the “deed.” If you haven’t called and frankly my fingers would have been texting and calling constantly until a response had I seen something like that, call…
FWIW, the son of a good friend married at almost 20; his bride was the same age. My friend was very concerned, but held his tongue. Today, this couple has been married 4 years. It’s a happy, strong relationship, both young people are thriving, both finished undergrad and are in grad schools. My friend has seen his son truly mature and grow, thanks in part to the stability of his life.
So, OP, here’s wishing you a similarly happy ending.
I’m sorry about this, @jeannemar. This happened to my brother a few years ago - he learned that his daughter was engaged when one of his sons told him about her Facebook status. It was hurtful. He and this d’s mom were divorced when the daughter was just a toddler, but he had tried very hard to stay close to her and be an involved dad. There were challenges to the relationship when both parents remarried and had other children. Sadly, the wedding was a hurtful event, as well.
But! They are now much closer and more involved in each other’s lives, spending time with a beautiful grandson and getting along well. I think it helped that my brother never burned any bridges, even though he’d been treated shabbily about the engagement and at the wedding.
Could it be that son’s fiancee is expecting?
It sounds as though you do not regularly visit your son’s FB page. You didn’t know about the engagement announcement until a third party told you about it.
Could it be that your son didn’t realize you would find out in this way and that he’s planning to tell you in person the next time he sees you?
Thanks for all the responses. He actually lives here in town and he came over for dinner a few days after the announcement. Not a word. We saw him yesterday, too. I don’t care for this girl and I think he’s afraid of the response he will get from us. In fact, I am probably better off holding my tongue. I am somewhat hurt, but the girl has a tendency to pretend we don’t exist and probably views the engagement as none of our business. If this were a daughter, I’d be through the roof (but I don’t have daughters).
Why is it any different because he is a son and not a daughter?
This girl COULD be your future daughter in law. It might be to your benefit - if you want a relationship with your son - to give both of them a chance to speak their minds regarding if this engagement is for real or what it means.
As a mom of both a S and 2 D’s, I don’t know why you would be more upset if this was a daughter. It’s a marriage that works - or doesn’t - for either sex.
I would be very hurt if I found out this way that either my D or S was engaged. I think you should ask him. Someone told you about it, so it’s normal to ask about it.
BUT … and this is a very, very big but …DO NOT under any circumstances say anything bad about the young lady. I caution you because of your post #16. This is crucial. You need to figure out how to communicate with your S about this without bringing your feelings about her into the conversation. If he does marry her, you will be spending years keeping your mouth shut, so you might as well practice. My brother is married to someone my parents never liked. Thank goodness they didn’t let my brother know, because he has been married 28 years & has three great kids.