(This post was originally a reply to an older conversation, but it was gently suggested that I start a new conversation.)
I read older conversations about engagement parties, but my situation has a bit of a twist that wasn’t covered in prior conversations (and I got the impression that expectations varied with geographical region.) So, here’s my situation…
My X and his wife are hosting an engagement party for my D and her intended. They have been gracious enough to include me (via invitation delivered orally by my D.) This is in New England (greater Boston area.) This is the first I’ve ever heard of an engagement party. When X & I were married, his mom gave me a modest engagement gift, which I thought was very sweet. But we had no engagement party and my family did not give him (or me!) any gifts on our engagement.
I’m feeling like a host/hostess gift might be a nice gesture from me – especially since the relationship between me and my X became strained during D’s high school years. I’m grateful, relieved, and frankly, a little surprised, to be included. But I’m confused about whether or not I should get something for the couple.
X & D are New England born & bred. Not sure about X’s wife, but I think think this is true for her as well since she has lots of family in the area. I haven’t been invited to a wedding for decades and I haven’t heard anyone in my social circle mention engagement parties, so I’m a little unsure as to what might be expected from the MOB – especially since I’m not hosting the party.
Yes, get something for the couple. A nice picture frame or good bottle of champagne. It doesn’t have to be huge as there will likely be a shower and the wedding gift too.
It’s never bad form to give the host/hostess a small hostess gift, and given the history of your relationship, it would be a nice and gracious “olive branch” to extend.
Since you are not hosting the engagement party, I would give your D and her fiance a gift as well.
Any time someone hosts a party for any reason a host/hostess gift is always appropriate, never required. It need not be elaborate. Some scented guest soaps or an interesting fancy jar of something for the kitchen pantry, a bottle of wine for later. Yes I agree with you that it would be a nice gesture.
I wouldn’t give a host/hostess gift in this case because the party being hosted in a ‘gift giving’ one, and it just gets too confusing. You might ask if you can provide something for the party itself, like paying for the cake if they are having one or some other specific item. If not, send a thank you note after the event.
You might want to find out for sure if it’s a gift giving event. I have been to engagement parties where it was specifically noted that this was to introduce the newly engaged couple to local friends and family…and the family requested no gifts (of course some folks bring them anyewy).
Very often around here, engagement parties are sort of a party way to announce the engagement and give folks a chance to meet the bride and groom together.
Here is my .02 for giving a hostess gift. I would bring flowers, wine, food as hostess gift, but not something they may need to keep in the house for a long time, like a pictures frame, vase, anything decorative. They are inviting you because of your D, but it doesn’t mean they want something in their home that reminds them of you after the party.
Give your D an engagement gift if you want to, but I don’t think you need to if you weren’t planning on it.
I am throwing a fairly large college graduation party for D2 next year. I am going to invite my Ex, only because it is my daughter special day and I know she would want her dad to be there. I don’t think I would want my Ex to give me any present I would need to keep longer than necessary. On the other hand, if he should offer to bring food or wine, I would be happy to accept.
I agree with Oldfort and others. A consumable gift is fine, but not something they would keep in their house. You may even want to consider giving your daughter a present at some time other than the party, if you planned to give her a gift at all. Good luck. I hope it’s not too awkward for you.
I did get a host/hostess gift (bottle of wine). The party was a gift giving event, but I mentioned privately to my D that she would receive a gift at a later date. It was really nice to visit with the former in-laws, and the family of my D’s step-mother were very friendly toward me. I, X and groom’s Mom had a post-party wedding planning session which also went reasonably well. The day after the party, I even got an email from my X thanking me for attending!
Flowers are a classy gesture and appropriate gift for a host/hostess. Plus it’s clearly distinct from a gift that’s typical to give to an engaged couple.