English Teacher loved my "dream" college essay

<p>i posted a topic earlier asking people whether or not i should write about a dream for my college essay/personal statement.</p>

<p>everyone advised against it, but i decided to submit it to my english teacher for review.</p>

<p>she wrote that she loved it, it was beautifully written, and she was speachless after reading it.</p>

<p>should i use the essay as my official essay or not? i thought the topic mattered but what mattered more was how you used it.</p>

<p>i didnt mean "dream college" essay, i meant essay about a dream.</p>

<p>Could I read your dream essay?</p>

<p>Well your English teacher might view the essay differently then an adcom would.</p>

<p>I'd be willing to give you my opinion if you want.</p>

<p>Would like to see it as well. You mean a literal dream, as in sleeping? Or a dream as in an aspiration?</p>

<p>meadowland: i bet she read it as though she was an adcom. or else her reading it wouldn't have helped anyone.</p>

<p>i mean a literal dream, not an aspiration. hold on, i will send it to you.</p>

<p>but the rest of you have low post counts.</p>

<p>I just recieved the post, thanks, I'll be reading it soon. Which level of schools are you considering applying to?</p>

<p>i'm thinking of schools like NYU; i will apply to Columbia even though it is a far reach for me (you never know, they just might like something about me).</p>

<p>i don't know if you are familiar with St. Johns University (New York), but i will apply their too.</p>

<p>I'll critique your essay :)</p>

<p>Ok I have read your essay entirely and I have a lot to say.</p>

<p>I must speak frankly that this is certainly not Columbia material.</p>

<p>I am not familiar with the selectivity at NYU, however, I must say your essay is not very memorable. </p>

<p>"It is a hot summer day." is a very bad opening line. It is not unique, beautiful, provoking, or exciting in anyway. It doesn't make the admissions officer want to read your essay on.</p>

<p>The tone and rhythm of the essay is also not very strong, there is little variation in form and the "voice" of the essay. It is too formal at times, and too restricted.</p>

<p>The "I did this so I became that" ending is also very overused, it is better to leave the essay at a crucial point, with a thought for the reader to ponder on, rather than say what the experience brought to you. There are also a number of grammatical mistakes and confusion in the essay, it didn't flow enough.</p>

<p>"With the final bang, my body shook and I woke up.", this is also not a good climax, it is quite bland and overused, the wake up thing, if it is going to stay, it better be used in a more compelling or comical way, not like this.</p>

<p>Your essay is fine, but if you're contemplating Columbia, it is certainly not Columbia material.</p>

<p>Goodluck on your application :)</p>

<p>I'd love to read your re-write should you consider revising this essay.</p>

<p>thank you so much for the tips. honestly, i am not a good writer so this essay is considered great compared to what i can write. </p>

<p>what i tried to do in the essay was be honest and try to be myself, rather than put on a fake voice. well, my original essay had a lot less about ME but my teacher told me to add more information about myself in it. </p>

<p>i tried to make the style of the essay unique. instead of starting with "the one thing that has influened me most" or "the person that influenced med most..." i started in the middle of the action.</p>

<p>really? there are grammar mistakes? i had it read by several people and they didnt point that out. thank you.</p>

<p>IMO I thought it was a bit wordy in places, and you used too many speech marks.</p>

<p>And yeah there were a few grammar mistakes, although I can't remember where.</p>

<p>"Both parties are forcing everyone to choose a side, and if they don’t they will not be spared." represents ambiguity with the use of "they". It is not clear-cut whether "they" was referring to "everyone" or to "parties".</p>

<p>I'll look if you want another set of eyes</p>

<p>I'll take a look.</p>