<p>Are you hounded (occasionally or incessantly)? Guilt-ridden? Saying no, yet feeling no pain? Are you dodging requests for extra goods, services, or funds (beyond what you already contribute for spending money)? What kind of things have you been asked for that you said no to? This is for non-holiday and non-birthday times. Here are some of mine:</p>
<p>A trip to fly to a city my young adult child has never been to, to visit someone she has never met (a friend of a friend she wanted to go along)</p>
<p>A different trip flying to another city where an old friend lives</p>
<p>Private gym membership (the campus gym is soooo filled with sweaty athletes)</p>
<p>Gas money so she can get a ride in friend’s car (public transportation is such a hassle)</p>
<p>A car (living in a major city with fantastic public transportation, you just need it sometimes)</p>
<p>Massages (for tension which accumulates in the back area)</p>
<p>A pedicure (because sometimes perfect teenaged feet need some attention)</p>
<p>More money in the already generous weekly bank deposit (many requests for this, predominantly because said college student loveslovesloves to eat out I trained her so my bad)</p>
<p>My kid can stretch a dollar. She actually doesn’t like it when I buy her things because she doesn’t need them. Her reaction to the black cashmere sweater I bought her for Christmas and that she didn’t need it because she already had a black sweater. Fortunately there were other women in attendance who both said that a person can never have too many black sweaters.</p>
<p>Both my kids are very frugal and love resale shops. They also know that we are the same way. They also were never given a generous weekly bank deposit. That’s what summer jobs were for. Learn to say no, she will be better off for it.</p>
<p>My bet is both of my kids spent money on at least one thing on that OP’s list. BUT I never had to say no because I didn’t provide discretionary spending money AT ALL. They earned it…they spent it.</p>
<p>My parents were very generous, and I took advantage of it, but I wouldn’t have wasted time asking for any of the specific items on this list unless my parents were doing the trip/activity with me. (When I was in college, my mother would pay for us to travel somewhere together or get a pedicure together, but she would certainly not pay for me to do either on my own unless it was for my birthday.) You can say no to any of them with zero second thoughts IMHO.</p>
<p>I suspect I will be able to add to the list next year when my daughter is a freshman. I also suspect that I will not be the one getting the calls, as daddy is much quicker to say yes to these types of requests!</p>
<p>How about a high schooler getting his own car (mom’s old car) being very upset he is not getting a new one like everyone else! Cant wait until college next year. Yeesh.</p>
<p>^Haha, my youngest 2 complained about having to share my old SUV…I think I was very generous in my offer to sell it and buy them each a brand new bicylce! Haven’t heard a word since…</p>
<p>I don’t have to say no very much because my kids know not to ask, BUT I did offer to pay for my theatre major D to get her hair colored every six weeks. When she lived at home, she went to a nearby beauty college and had a complete color for $30 (and she paid for it). Unfortunately, no beauty colleges in her very expensive university neighborhood. And she looks so cute as a redhead!</p>
<p>Fortunately, I guess, my two knew we were stretching it just to pay for school. Neither has ever owned a car, and trips have always been on their dime. Both are extremely frugal–they must have caught it from us. They also didn’t get a monthly bank deposit; all spending and books money was theirs to earn the summer before. Okay, I admit it, we were grinches!:)</p>
<p>I am trying to break my S of these tendencies. It seems to be working over time, but it’s taking a lot of tough love :)</p>
<p>When I told him during his senior year of high school that he needed to work over the summer to help pay for his incidentals and books in college, he replied that he’d just use the 529 account money. :rolleyes: Um, no. that’s for tuition!</p>
<p>And he did work over the summer, but seemed to be having a very good time, going to amusement parks, eating out, and exchanging the laptop he got for graduation for a high end model. So it didn’t surprise me that he had no money left by the end of September.</p>
<p>This has forced him to come home some weekends and work.</p>
<p>He has been trying to get me to let him take the family spare car (10 yr old Accord that had been my mother’s) out to school. But he doesn’t need a car, and my husband’s truck has over 250K miles on it. We need the spare car until we can get H a new car. At that point S may be allowed to take the car, if he can pay for insurance and maintenance.</p>
<p>Now he wants to upgrade his desktop computer. The computer he has now is the newest and best in our family (though he did pay for it himself).</p>
<p>Since he got top grades his first semester, I did break down and get him the Droid phone he’s been wanting.</p>
<p>Aren’t we responsible for this? As parents, we’ve ‘spoiled’ them, as my mom used to say. We haven’t said “no” enough. We haven’t made them ‘make do’ with less than the latest design/best/most expensive ‘toys’? We haven’t said, “Take it or leave it” enough? We haven’t said “You can have a cell phone when you can pay for it.”</p>
<p>My parents had no problem saying “no” to us and teaching my sibs and me fend for ourselves. They were a product of the depression and knew on a personal level what it was like to have unmet needs.</p>
<p>While most of their high school peers and the wealthier part of their college peers have had these kind of costs covered, none of mine have ever even asked. We were pretty up-front from an early age; after high school we pay only tuition/room and board/cell phone. Of course when they are home on vacation we might happen to be in Target together and stock them up on whatever, and I might decide the wardrobe needs serious help, but plane tickets ? No, never even asked.
I have many friends who have 20 somethings, out of college even, who have Mom and Dad’s credit card for whatever… I’m talking $800-$1000 per month. How does that help a young adult learn to live as an adult? Some folks we know even say we are “harsh” in our monetary dealings (no monthly spending money for college kid, that’s what summers are for.) Repeat, how does that help a young adult learn to live an independent adult life?</p>