ESSAY CHECK PLEASE!!!! (SHORT)

<p>Hey guys can you check my volunteering Essay</p>

<p>Prompt-why do you want to volunteer</p>

<p>At the naive age of 6, I stumbled upon an incident which changed my perspective of the medical field. Between the excruciating pain in my head and the confusion of everyone around me, I was put through an extravagant array of emotions. Having no idea of what to do and the blood ferociously coming out of my head, I started to panic and seek assurance of my safety. Upon reaching the hospital and seeing the doctors reassuring attitude, it made me feel safe and I knew at that moment that I would be alright. Since that day I realized that I wanted to help in the medical field, whether it be as a volunteer or as a Doctor.
This experience ignited my passion for helping people and ever since then I have wanted to work in the medical field, helping people day by day. I have ambitious ideals in the field of medicine and hope to one day provide a positive impact on the lives of others. I want to become a volunteer at the medical center so that I may help the lives of others, as well as help the community as a whole. The opportunity to volunteer at the Medical center would permit me to take a first step in the medical field as well as allow me to facilitate other people’s lives. Volunteering at the Medical center would allow me to give back to the community in which I have grown, while fulfilling my dream of helping others and making a positive impact on their lives. I personally feel that by volunteering I can not only be in the community, but rather be a part of the community. I want to volunteer to be a part of the team which brings reassurance to the admitted patients, and to one day be the reason why a patient feels safe.</p>

<p>PLEASE HELP ME .
GIVE ME SOME TIPS</p>

<p>Remove the first sentence. It removes all curiosity and is abrupt. I would also put a paragraph break at the sentence starting at "I have ambitious ideals…</p>

<p>The language is extremely pedantic and forced – think of the connotation of the words you are using and the context in which you put them - it doesn’t fit. It <em>sounds</em> like you referenced a thesaurus and arbitrarily replaced words with synonyms that are similar but not exactly the same in meaning. </p>

<p>You also repeated “medical field” and “Medical center” a lot – either employ pronouns or find other ways to describe those two things. </p>

<p>thanks any other help would be appreciated</p>

<p>DMed you an edit</p>