Essay check

<p>I’m writing a supplement for SOKA University of America, and starting to have doubts.
I basically want to know whether I am on the right track, is my essay too cliche/ boring/ controversial?</p>

<p>Also, if anyone wants me to review their essays, my email is hydrobloom @ ********** </p>

<p>Q: Imagine you are at SUA, and you’re invited to give a lecture to all the students and faculty. What would you talk about, and why? </p>

<p>A: Right between the two emerging superpowers, China and India, in the heart of South-east Asia, lays one of the few nations that are overlooked by the outside world. It is Burma, a third-world nation controlled by one of the most repressive regimes, which recently began to reform for the better. It is the site on the verge of a new path to the territory of human rights and democracy but still in delicate and difficult time. To me, Burma is more than a physical location; it has a variety of connotations, all somehow contributed to it being my home.
It seems that it should take much better inspiration for attempting a well-prepared and memorable lecture to the audience consisting of future leaders, philosophers and global citizens than simply talking about my home. But as a collective body of individuals with a passion for promoting peace and human rights, SUA provides a highly appropriate and receptive setting to talk about Burma and its lack of liberty, not in a way it is taught in classes (that professors of SUA could do more competently that I could ever hope to) but in a way I see it and the people in Burma see it.
Civil liberty is not something that citizens of Burma are blessed with. Last year, I met one of my father’s good friends from college. He is an inspiring elderly gentleman whose recounts of his experiences taught me a great deal. He is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, and yet he spent most of the last decade in confinement. His crime was advocating universal law of human rights.
If you want to discuss politics Burma, even far-away American politics, you don’t meet in a popular restaurant for a chat over lunch. You wouldn’t pick up a phone and call a friend for an engaging discussion. If you did, you would probably find yourself being followed, monitored and, if you kept it up, arrested and thrown in prison for four to seven years. To discuss politics in Burma is risky business. It is mostly done outdoors, at night, sitting at low tables, on tiny stools at street corner tea shops. This is where people gather to talk about politics and any other issue that you might not want overheard by the wrong person - namely a government informer. Tea shop proprietors set up large speakers that blare heavy metal and hip hop tunes - the perfect din to conceal any questionable conversations. This is the reality of living in Burma, where it is believed one in five “citizens” is informing for military intelligence or M.I. as it is ubiquitously known.</p>

<p>To add on, this is my first draft and it’s only half-way done. The word limit is 1000 words. Also, English is my second language. </p>

<p>My email is hydrobloom @ g mail . com btw</p>

<p>First of all, I just want to say that I like your topic and I think you can really relate this to your own life since you immigrated from Burma. </p>

<p>That said, I found that in the 2nd paragraph, you don’t really relate to your background in Burma with the stories of oppression. Maybe you can throw in an example of you being oppressed when you were there? Something more personal. But at the same time, you need to make sure that it sounds professional since you’re giving a lecture in front of others.</p>

<p>Could you also please edit my essay? I’ll email it to you.</p>

<p>Thanks for the comment, I was stuck on that paragraph for a few days. Now. I think I see a new direction to go. To clarify though, I didn’t immigrate from Burma, I am still living there and am just hoping to study in the US next year. </p>

<p>Send me yours. I will try my very best at editing it. And reading great essays gives me inspiration.</p>

<p>Ah I see. Good luck with your essay! I just sent mine :)</p>

<p>Did you receive my email?</p>

<p>Sent you a reply :D</p>