Essay Critique

<p>Please critique this essay. This essay was written so that it could fit most "describe your experience" essays. I modified it just a bit so that it could reflect this prompt: </p>

<p>"Describe the personal experience that gave you the feeling of greatest achievement of satisfaction because of the challenges you met." </p>

<p>My question: Does this essay answer the question?
Thanks very much:)</p>

<p>Interstate 20: A Surmounted Challenge
Welcome to my weekend house: Interstate 20. My family travels to Birmingham twice a week for church and more for competitions, libraries, and food supplies. The interstate that connects Anniston with Birmingham is the all-mighty I-20. After eleven years of pilgrimage, I have grown to respect the influence and implications the road has on my life.
At eleven years old, I was hardly aware that I would be traveling along the same stretch of road for the rest of my high school career. However, I did know that idle time is an unspeakable sin. Therefore, I developed my personal “Constitution,” an unwritten set of rules that governs how I pass time on these trips. The latest one for me, having undergone many amendments, is as follows: study Algebra I and other schoolwork for the first forty-five minutes when the ride is smooth, spot the white stork that stands at the same spot under the Pell City bridge, and enjoy the scenery and skyline for the last fifteen minutes as we cruise into the Magic City.<br>
“Mom, I’m hungry,” I piped when I saw a driver eating his dinner. “When we get home, we will eat the ramen noodles we bought today,” assured my mother. There is nothing better than a hot bowl of ramen noodles after a long car ride. We always begin the trip empty-handed. When we return, our minivan will always be filled with food we reaped that day- spiritual, intellectual, and physical. Never is a trip made in vain. We would always return home with a couple new Chinese idioms from Chinese Culture School, books from the library, or just some packs of ramen noodles.<br>
“No, no, I want to go too,” I would plead with my mother whenever she thinks about leaving me behind to study for an exam. I am enchanted. The black ripples of the Coosa River, the lulling rhythm of the road, and the continuation of our quest for special license tags make every trip worthwhile, even if I have a test on Monday. However, it is the homeward-bound night trips that I cherish. Rare incidents such as forest fires, two lane accidents in “Death Valley,” and Talladega 500 race days cause curious drivers to slow. These events lay the foundation for miles and miles of angry and sleepy drivers stranded on the loneliest part of the corridor. Having responded to dad’s gentle patting on my leg, I wake to blurred redness of taillights and hundreds of headlights behind us. It seems that a thousand-watt spotlight is shining on me. “Where am I going to college? What major am I taking?” These are two challenging questions that I must eventually answer.<br>
Looking back, my family’s eleven years of pilgrimage is actually a miniature of an ideal human life: a structured life having a destination in life and family awareness. Interstate 20 is no longer an interminable stretch of road to me. In fact, my life has built around it. Through my not-so-boring car rides with my family, I am assured that I will travel to (college name) as a structured, hungry, appreciative, and insightful person. “Now, I wonder how long it will take for me to arrive home? There’s no place like (college name)… There’s no place like (college name)….”</p>

<p>bumpbumpbu</p>

<p>so my essay's bad, eh?</p>

<p>Your essay is definitely not bad. Separating it into paragraph form would be nice, but the essay itself is pretty good. However, try to avoid repetition: "ideal human life: a structured life," "In fact, my life has built around it" does not seem to flow (at least fix the "life has built" to "has been built." The Algebra I thing also threw me. If you're a senior, shouldn't you have, ah, passed Algebra I? Maybe I misinterpreted. Anyway, I liked the physical journey as journey of life metaphor. It's been done, but you've dealt with it well. Good luck. ^.^</p>

<p>Well, the Algebra I was referring to my time in middle school, when I was eleven. Did I not make that clear?
Tahnks for the response:) Anyone else?</p>

<p>"The latest one for me" refers to your time in middle school? Sorry, I may be having a blonde moment or something, but I don't see it. Also, sorry for leaving out the second ). Sorry if I came off picky, I was just trying to help. Anyway, good job.</p>

<p>No, no, sorry if I sounded rude. Thanks very much for your help.</p>