Essay Critique?

<p>A friend just wants to know how what you think of his essay. He is applying ED to CMC and is trying to get any last minute suggestions for improvement.</p>

<p>I am on the treadmill to do penance because I have committed the cardinal sin of growing fat. I have discovered the limitations of the human body and what happens when you don’t take care of it. My trainer presses a button and bumps up my speed to 8 kph. It’s not a fast trot anymore; it’s become a sprint, a race for dear life. I half-stumble and manage to stay on, gasping and throwing dagger looks at him. </p>

<p>I’m coming up to the fifteen-minute mark. Halfway. The sweat is poring off me in rivulets, and my tongue is hanging down to my chest. He presses another button and adds five degrees of inclination to my invisible hill. I could kill him right now if I wasn’t running so hard. </p>

<p>I hate these machines. I hate it that I find myself ruefully contemplating the current state of my life, chewing on the fact that I’ve been sentenced to hard labor on this hunk of metal and moving fabric. I think this type of ruminating is best done over dinner with a couple of close friends, not running frantically up a hill that doesn’t exist while a slavemaster in sweatpants cracks his whip and watches you like a hawk. Oh, to be somewhere else. </p>

<p>I’ve noticed strange behavior here as well. People cast surreptitious sidelong glances at one another’s treadmill stats on the LED consoles, the ones showing how long you’ve been running, at what speed, and at how much of an incline. Or looking at the amount of weight you’re leg-pressing, or how sweaty you’ve become. Or if you’re wearing the latest Nikes. Comparing one’s self to people around you in an internal monologue is the favorite pastime in the Jungle Gym: Is he pulling a harder load? Is she running faster and longer than me? God, he’s almost vertical on that treadmill; won’t he fall off? I’m such a wuss, even that old fart with white hair and jowls can run the jogging pants off of me. Ooh, he’s bench-pressing a small elephant. What a wimp, giving up after five minutes – keep running, Wimp! And lay off the iced tea! </p>

<p>And so on. </p>

<p>Finally, I am through with my routine. Half-dead, but I managed it. I’ve crested the invisible hill and crawled down to the mythical, theoretical other side. And then my taskmaster smugly tells me to rest up, because I’m heading off to the resistance machines for an hour of weights. So I run. Away. I will eventually return and finish the damned routine, drawn by some sense of responsibility, but first I wander around. </p>

<p>Walking inside the Jungle Gym, away from the machines, I find a large clearing with a smooth wooden floor and a mirror wall. Here the natives come together at certain times of the day for some frantic, ritual dancing, also known as yoga. I am disqualified from these because I have two left feet. So I decide to end my torture session.</p>

<p>I sit drying off in a comfortable armchair in front of a widescreen TV. I sit here debating to myself about what to do next. I think I’ll take a shower at home, then eat a heap of cheeseburgers and a huge greasy pile of fries and wash it all down with a couple of big root beer floats. And then I’ll take a long nap and not dream of running up an invisible hill.</p>

<p>What I get from this essay is that you think you are fat and aren't sure if you want to workout to loose weight. What do you want the reader to take away from your essay? You write pretty well, but it's not clear what your main point is.</p>

<p>What's your point in this essay? You write well, but this is just a bitter rambling of poor little rich kid with a personal trainer and no motivation to exercise.</p>

<p>Hey guys,</p>

<p>Remember, it's not my essay. It's a friends. I'm not fat and I can't write well. haha.</p>

<p>Anyways, I was talking to him about what this said about him and he told me he was trying to relate to the reader or something like that.. how everyone hates exercising and feels like they are climbing and 'invisible hill'.. I sorta understood him..</p>

<p>This is his supplemental essay. His personal statement is more about him though.</p>

<p>If this essay is optional, your friend will probably be better off without it...</p>

<p>I love working out. Similar comments, sounds very bitter and doesn't say much. I think it'd be more doable that it is now as a topic if there was focus on his determination and what he learned about himself while trying to loose weight.</p>

<p>I don't think it paints the writer in a very positive light...</p>

<p>I agree with suggestions to focus on his determination and to show how he works hard to overcome this difficult obstacle. If he's not determined, or if he doesn't work hard, or if he hasn't overcome this difficult obstacle, then I would tell him to pick a new topic (preferably one that is more positive).</p>

<p>I honestly liked it. I can tell he's a good type of guy, maybe a little rough around the edges (like any teenager). Just a few things struck me and pulled me out of the essay. "Old fart." Not really the best description. I use the phrase all the time and I was slightly taken aback - it's an essay for COLLEGE! The ending is weak too. I'm sure it is honest and real, and it paints an accurate picture of him, but the picture is not the best. He's pretty much given up trying to get healthy. Colleges don't want a kid who is going to drop dead his second year. My suggestion to your friend: Keep the authentic image of your personality, but make it seem like you are TRYING, like you are going through this pain with a goal in mind, and that you plan to achieve it.</p>

<p>Thanks for all your suggestions. Upon further discussion, my friend decided not to submit this essay, as it was optional.</p>

<p>and again, thanks for all the comments and critiques.</p>