<p>I wrote this essay. I think the end could be a little smooth. Please give me you feedback and comment
PROMPT: can success be disatrous?
Essay:<br>
The trite saying “be careful what you wish for” holds an enormous amount of truth. Many people wish for their lives to be filled with success, but they do not realize that often times success epitomizes the double-edged sword. Success can degrade the overall quality of people’s lives
An example that demonstrates this is the history of South Africa. Around the 16th century Britain colonized South Africa. The African and Boer populations both resented British rule. Eventually the Africans worked with the white Boer people to protest British imperialism. After centuries of resistance to British rule, the colony was granted independence. Although South Africa celebrated sovereignty, the native African people were heavily suppressed. The Boers, who held to top government positions, implemented a highly discriminatory social system. In this system, Africans lacked any political voice. They were deprived of government positions. Their protests were extremely discouraged and were put down violently. South African society was also fraught with segregation. Jobs, restaurants, and land were all separated between the Africans and the Boers. Predictably, the Boers received the high end jobs and facilities while anything belonging to an African lacked quality. Life for the African population was arguably better before they succeeded in freeing the state.
Another example is the events that occurred before and during the Great Depression. At the start of 1929 the economy of America was in great shape: the stock market was skyrocketing and inflation and unemployment rates were low. Because of the economic flourishing, people around the country started to manage their finances carelessly. Banks were giving out loans to unreliable borrowers. Consumers purchased goods which voraciously bit into their savings. This carelessness eventually led to the stock market crash which negatively affected lives all around America. One Third of Americans became unemployed. In addition, millions of people were thrown into poverty. Inevitably, crime rates went through the roof. The prosperity experienced by America’s economy in the 1920’s caused it to slip into a disastrous nadir.
Success can have catastrophic after-effects. Sometimes, the quality of people’s lives is better before their “prosperity”. People must realize the negativities success could bring before they decide if success is what they truly want.</p>
<p>wow im unable to put paragraphs</p>
<p>your vocabulary is good, and your flow is quite nice. but the graders SHOULD know about apartheid and the great depression… what they want to know is how it relates to your thesis. basically, they don’t need a summary of the events, but an analysis of them in relation to your argument.</p>
<p>for example, you could say “In South Africa, the African and Boer ethnic groups helped each other gain independence from the British, but once the imperialists were gone, the Boers’ success caused them to similarly subjugate the Africans. When they were under British rule, the Boers and Africans had peaceful relations, but after, the former arbitrarily decided that their ethnicity was superior–as a direct result of their success in revolution.”</p>
<p>does that make sense?</p>
<p>Very smooth writing style. I agree with karabee’s critique, but I think it still has a good chance of scoring in the 10-12 range.</p>
<p>yea i also agree with that his statement haha, yea it was kinda like a summary, i poseted another essay on this forum and it had the same problem</p>