Essay for NYU... please help me

[danhyoo]

hey. im not that good of a writer… please comment or help me edit this essay… thanx guys… if u guys really wanna help… u can email me or im me

“Thank you and enjoy your flight. Next please” I walked past the flight attendant after handing in my wrinkled plane ticket with my briefcase conveniently attached with wheels. I was returning back home to New Jersey, from a technology forum in California. I looked at the paper with my seat number written on it. 25-C. After walking down the endless hallway, I finally spotted 25-C. Hoping for a window seat, I looked at my row, realizing both ends were taken. Disapprovingly, I sat on 25-C, the aisle seat, the farthest seat away from the window where I can view America from a bird’s point of view. I took out a book, and entered a different world. Deep into the story, I feel a wall slowly closing in front of me slowly. Waking me back into sad world again, I noticed a heavy man in front of me wanted to be comfortable by leaning his chair back into my knee. OK, he will probably notice that he is a little too far back any time.
360 seconds past, and now the attack are pouring onto my defenseless knee. I tried to retreat from the heavy attack, but there was nowhere to run. I tried to budge my way left. Failed. I tried to budge my way right. Failed. Oh my goodness, my next stop is going to be the ambulance if I don’t think of something quick. I thought hard. Should I call support from other two limbs above the helpless knee? I was in desperate need. I placed my hands on the backseat ahead of me, and pushed it slowly and subtly to lessen the force on my knees. It warded off the pain temporarily, but my support soon faded. There must be a way.
Another grueling 600 seconds past by, and the pain was unbearable. My face trying to squirm, I did not want to look foolish to the quiet lady next to me, reading a magazine. I tried to lean to my side to see the enemy’s strategy against me. My rival’s deadly plan was to sleep. Mutually, he was regaining energy while on the offense against me. I felt hopeless.
Tables needed to be turned. I had to take actions for myself and go on the attack myself. With ferocity, I viciously retaliated by asking cordially “excuse me sir. Is it OK if you can move up your seat just a little, it’s touching my knee” concluding with gentle smile. “Oh of course. No problem.” He adjusted the seat, and the backseat slowly backed away from its victim, letting my knee take its first breath in a total of more than five minutes. “Thank you sir, it’s much better now”
A vital lesson was learned that day. Asking a favor could make your life easier enormously. This lesson served many purposes. Not only do I hesitate to ask people a small favor for the better of my situation, but also gave me confidence to confront or greet a stranger. Interactive communication is very essential in the society we live today. Even the smallest request can change your whole day’s course. We all do not want to go through war because of your shyness.

[danhyoo]

<p>bump bump bump bump bump bump</p>

[sunnydaysee]

<p>The essay doesn't have a lot about you in it. Perhaps shortening the story to around 150 words would help. After you mention "there must be a way" start the next paragraph with something like "all too often I try to deal with the situation at hand. I've never been one to talk to a stranger. And I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and my annoyance inside" And then talk about how you've changed and how you ask for favors. Aything else you could tell them about yourself The last sentence could be "My knees still hurt and I guess I have no other other choice but to say, "Sir, would you mind pushing your seat up a little?"</p>

[binx]

<p>My initial response is negative. (Sorry. I'm a writer, and I'm rather used to brutal give and take on my writing, and know that it's not necessarily easy to take. But we want to get you into college, right?) Here's what struck me as negative: It took you a lot of time and mental effort to get someone to stop causing you pain???? Are you afraid of people? How will you ever survive college? </p>

<p>Here's how I think you should fix it: Talk about yourself more, and your growth as a person. Talk about why speaking up was so difficult for you, and how you are changed. Are you a people pleaser? Extremely respectful of adults? Those aren't necessarily bad qualitites, but show me why. If this happened a long time ago, and you have changed -- say so. Colleges are looking for leaders and survivors and creative thinkers -- people that can cope with roommates and professors and new experiences. This essay says you are way too passive. What can you tell them in this essay that will make them say, "We want this kid here!"?</p>

[RKATC]

<p>Sorry, but it seems to not really go anywhere. I get the point that you are trying to make, but you should really focus on that point and cut out a lot of the excess stuff. Make the essay mean something and really show something of importance. Remember that admissions are reading thousands of essays and yours is just another one on the list. You need to make sure that you are engaging and writing about something of significance throughout the essay. Also, it doesn't flow nicely. Too much repetition of certain phrases and ideas (ie mentioning the seat number, 25-C, multiple times in a short number of sentences). There are also many gramatical errors. May I suggest that you find an exceptional writer that you know and have them edit and make suggestions for improvement.
But who knows. There are books of college admissions essays out there, and it is surprising which ones not only lead to the student's acceptence, but publication in the book as well. Maybe with a little tweaking admissions will find something in it that intrigues them. Good luck.
(ps-sorry if anything was harsh, I'm just saying what I would want someone to tell me if necessary)</p>

[danhyoo]

<p>thanx for the comment.. i ll fix on it</p>

[danhyoo]

<p>hey... i changed it a little... can you guys comment on this? not the spelling errors.. its rough draft</p>

<pre><code> An event that matured me to confidence to confront strangers was on a
</code></pre>

<p>plane. It occured on a jet plane back to nj from a technology
conference in Silicon Valley, California. Although I was active with
schoolwork as I was invited to this conference, I was not interactive
with strangers, even at the conference with myself with new faces for
eleven days. Shy and aloof to those whom i did not have to interact
with, I usually ignored strangers around me - those who walked by on
the street, those who used the urinal before i did, and those who sat
next to me on planes. It was an unexpected day, where I was crushed by
a large man, that change how I deal with people today.
I sat down on my sat on the plane and took out a book, and entered a
different world. Deep into the story, I felt a wall slowly closing in
front of me slowly. Waking me back into sad world again, I noticed a
heavy man in front of me wanting to be comfortable by leaning his
chair back into my knee. Okay, he will probably notice that he is a
little too far back any time.
360 seconds past, and now the attack were pouring onto my defenseless
knee. I tried to retreat from the heavy attack, but there was nowhere
to run. I tried to budge my way left. Failed. I tried to budge my way
right. Failed. Oh my goodness, my next stop is going to be the
ambulance if I don't think of something quick. I thought hard. Should
I call support from other two limbs above the helpless knee? I was in
desperate need. I placed my hands on the backseat ahead of me, and
pushed it slowly and subtly to lessen the force on my knees. It warded
off the pain temporarily, but my support soon faded. There must be a
way.
Tables needed to be turned. I had to take actions for myself and go
on the attack myself. With ferocity, I viciously retaliated by asking
cordially "excuse me sir. Is it okay if you can move up your seat just
a little, it's touching my knee" concluding with a gentle smile. "Oh
of course. No problem." He adjusted the seat, and the backseat slowly
backed away from its victims, letting regaining life after the
dreadful damage. "Thank you sir, it's much better now"
This 10 minute event matured me to have confidence to confront
strangers. Two weeks ago, I saw one of my timid friend scratching his
head, struggling over a math problem. After seeing him, a flashback
went through my head of me in the airplane ride struggling, I sat next
to him and supported his war against a calculus problem on
derivatives, concluding this struggle in less than a minute.</p>

[danhyoo]

<p>Sorry... dont read the previous post... this is the new and revised... please comment, feedback, tips.. THANX GUYS</p>

<p>An event that matured me to confidence to confront strangers was on a plane. It occurred on a jet plane back to New Jersey from a technology conference in Silicon Valley, California. Although I was active with schoolwork as I was invited to this conference, I was not interactive with strangers, even at the conference all by myself with new faces for eleven days. Shy and aloof to those whom I did not have to interact with, I usually ignored strangers around me - those who walked by on the street, those who used the urinal before I did, and those who sat next to me on planes. It was an unexpected day when a man leaned back against me, the day that changed my way of approaching people.
I sat down on my seat on the plane and took out a book, and entered a different world. Deep into the story, I felt a wall slowly closing in front of me slowly. Waking me back into sad world again, I noticed a heavy man in front of me wanting to be comfortable by leaning his chair back into my knee. Okay, he will probably notice that he is a little too far back any time.
360 seconds past, and now the attack were pouring onto my defenseless knee. I tried to retreat from the heavy attack, but there was nowhere to run. I tried to budge my way left. Failed. I tried to budge my way right. Failed. Oh my goodness, my next stop is going to be the hospital if I don't think of something quick. I thought hard. Should I call support from other two limbs above the helpless knee? I was in desperate need. I placed my hands on the backseat ahead of me, and pushed it slowly and subtly to lessen the force on my knees. It warded off the pain temporarily, but my support soon faded. There must be a way.
I did not dare ask the older, larger man in front me. I was the one that kept my mouth shut and held my selfish favors to myself. Raised in a Korean family, I was taught to treat the elder with the utmost respect. My family lived a feudal system, where the oldest is the king and the youngest is the peasant. I was going against an omnipotent king.
Tables needed to be turned. I had to take actions for myself and go on the attack myself. With ferocity, I viciously retaliated by asking cordially "excuse me sir. Is it okay if you can move up your seat just a little, it's touching my knee" concluding with a gentle smile. "Oh of course. No problem." He adjusted the seat, and the backseat slowly backed away from its victims, letting regaining life after the dreadful damage. "Thank you sir, it's much better now"
This 10-minute event matured me to have confidence to confront strangers. Two weeks ago, I saw one of my timid friends scratching his head, struggling over a math problem. After seeing him, a flashback went through my head of me in the airplane ride struggling, I sat next to him and supported his war against a calculus problem on derivatives, concluding this struggle in less than a minute.</p>

[pebbles]

<p>I definitely do not mean this in an offensive way but is english your first language? There are certain phrasing and grammatical errors that appear in your essays that are usually made by non-native speakers. If this is not true, disregard this part of my comment. If this IS true, however, I would highly recommend having an english teacher or a friend who is good at writing to help edit out awkward structure and grammatical errors. You want the reader to focus on the message of your essay, and this is very hard for the reader to do when the essay is riddled with simple grammar problems. I quote for example:</p>

<p>"An event that matured me to confidence to confront strangers was on a
plane."</p>

<p>I understand this is a first draft, however there are glaring mistakes in this OPENING sentence. A better way of phrasing would be something like, "An event occurred during a plane ride and gave me the confidence to confront strangers." That's just from a grammatical perspective... from a writing perspective, this is a very poor way to start an essay. No offense, but this kind of introduction is more appropriate for a 9th grade essay you're trying to b.s. than something that will represent you in your college application. Start off in an interesting way. Quotes are overused (like in your first essay draft), and a bland intro sentence like this is even worse. </p>

<p>This is just a random thought but maybe you could start off like a narrative. Random example off the top of my head: "It was a cloudy day 30,000 feet below us but our jet plane basked in sunlight. I had wanted a window seat but as my suitcase and I clattered down the aisle, I spotted the chair marked 25C and realized that was not going to happen..." And then you could go on to talk about how you didn't ask the people next to you to switch seats because you were too timid or something (i mean otherwise you probably would have switched seats with somenoe, right?), and that could allow people to see the change in you. That's definitely just an idea, I just scribbled that out so no need to criticize my writing or anything ;)</p>

<p>annnyways I hope I helped.</p>

[danhyoo]

<p>heh yes.. english is my weaker language.. ty for comment</p>

[ForeverZero]

<p>i'm korean too, so i understand if your english is a little weak. overall, your theme is pretty interesting. i like how you take a seemingly ordinary experience and make it meaningful to you. however, you almost go overboard with your shyness. don't make it seem like you're anti-social (this can really hurt in the college admissions process). instead, focus more on how you gained self-confidence and how you became courageous enough to stand up for yourself when someone was hurting you. i like how you described the way that elders are revered in korean society. i know exactly what that's like (i feel so lowly during our family reunions). overall, it's a good topic, but you need some work. show it to a teacher to fix the grammar, and don't present yourself as a loner.</p>

<p>btw, where are you thinking of applying?</p>

[Gabbyrenee232115]

<p>Hey i went to the exact same confrence Danhyoo!!!! NYLF!!! LOL !!! Nice essay!! i liked it, very humorous....well you applying to NYU??? awesome!!!! well goodluck!</p>

[danhyoo]

<p>HEY... damn thats.. cool.. it was fun thre</p>

[danhyoo]

<p>well.. im applying to nyu, washington, rutgers, umich</p>

[Gabbyrenee232115]

<p>hey ,
im applying to NYU, UT, U of Houston, University of Miami, Columbia, and Cornell U. </p>

<p>IM so excited!
hey did you send in your alumni Nominations for NYLF???? yet ?</p>

[bettina]

<p>Why oh why don't essay writers put spaces in? It's too hard to read so I just skimmed. Seems like you took one tiny incident and blew it out of proportion. It's very overboard to call this an 'attack'. I think the theme would work, but maybe with other examples.</p>