essay for nyu.. revised

<p>ok.. i considered every one of you feedbacks.. thanks guys.. my essay is now like this. if u have any more feedbacks.. that would be great</p>

<p>I was on a plane ride back to New Jersey from a technology conference in Silicon Valley, California when I underwent an experience that would teach me the true meaning of leaving your comfort zone. Shy and aloof to those whom I did not have to interact with, I usually ignored strangers around me - those who walked by in the school halls, those who used the urinal before I did, and those who sat next to me on planes. Therefore, it was an unexpected turn of events when a man leaned his chair back against me, an event that changed my way of approaching people.
I sat down on the seat, took out a book, and entered into a different world. While I was absorbed in the story, I felt a wall slowly closing in front of me. Waking me back into the sad world again, I noticed a heavy man in front of me adjusting his seat and pressing his chair back into my knee. Okay, he will probably notice that he is a
little too far back any time.
An agonizing 360 seconds passed, and the pressure against my knee was excruciating. I tried to free myself, but there was nowhere to run. I tried to budge my way left. Failed. I tried to budge my way right. Failed. “Pain is gain! Pain is gain!” I thought to myself, but the cliché my track coach always used to chant was not alleviating the pain.
Should I call support from the other two limbs above the helpless knee? I was desperate. I placed my hands on the seat in front of me, and slowly and subtly pushed it to lessen the force on my knees. It temporarily warded off the pain, but my support soon faded. There must be an easier way. I did not dare ask the older, larger man in front me. I was always the one who kept his mouth shut and held his selfish favors to himself. Raised in a Korean family, I was taught to treat elders with the utmost respect. My family lived a feudal system, where the oldest is the king and the youngest is the peasant. I was going against an omnipotent king.
The tables needed to be turned. I had to take actions for myself and go on the attack myself. With aggression, I retaliated by cordially asking, "Excuse me sir. Is it okay if you can move up your seat just a little, it's touching my knee," and concluded with a gentle smile. "Oh, of course. No problem." He adjusted the seat, and the backseat slowly backed away from its victims, letting them regain life after the dreadful damage. "Thank you sir, it's much better now".
This 10-minute event shaped me up to have confidence to confront strangers. Just Two weeks ago, I saw one of my timid classmates who just came from Korea scratching his head and struggling over a math problem. It caused a flashback of my own struggle on the airplane ride in my head. I sat next to him and supported his own war against a calculus problem on derivatives, concluding this struggle in less than a minute.</p>

<p>i liked it a lot since i was so able to relate to you. i have social anxiety and have had it since i could remember...well ok thats a bit more extreme than in your case, but anyhow....as i read it, i was able to get a really good visual image...and since i was able to relate, the emotions combined with the visuals made for a really good read...good job man</p>

<p>thnx a lot for the positive feedback ^^</p>

<p>I like the theme.. fix the first paragraph up a little it doesn't grab the readers attention</p>

<p>i changed the intro... u think this is better?</p>

<p>I was 30,000 feet above America when I underwent an experience that taught me the true meaning of leaving your comfort zone. I was on a plane back to New Jersey from a technology conference in Silicon Valley, California. Shy and aloof to those whom I did not have to interact with, I usually ignored strangers around me - those who walked by in the school halls, those who used the urinal before I did, and those who sat next to me on planes. Therefore, it was an unexpected turn of events when a man leaned his chair back against me, an event that changed my way of approaching people.</p>

<p>like the new opening. You've integrated many suggestions into this revision</p>

<p>I like it, the new first sentence makes a huge difference. </p>

<p>"The tables needed to be turned. I had to take actions for myself and go on the attack myself."</p>

<p>That sentence is awkward... don't use myself twice in it.</p>

<p>"With aggression, I retaliated by cordially asking, "Excuse me sir. Is it okay if you can move up your seat just a little, it's touching my knee," and concluded with a gentle smile. "</p>

<p>This is an oppurtunity to draw the reader into your struggle, so take it. This is the climax of your whole story. Do a better job of a addressing it. Do a better job at building up the suspense moments prior to addressing the man. Let us know what you were feeling, convey the inner conflict that you felt moments before vocalizing your thoughts to the man. What pushed you over the edge and allowed your thoughts to be vocalized?</p>